


Genesis to Eschaton

by Hyperionova



Category: EXO (Band), Sekai - Fandom
Genre: Alternate Universe - Artificial Intelligence, Alternate Universe - Dystopia, Artificial Intelligence, M/M, Physical Disability, Romance, Science Fiction
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-12
Updated: 2017-05-23
Packaged: 2018-05-26 07:29:43
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 22
Words: 57,625
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6229261
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Hyperionova/pseuds/Hyperionova
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
            <p>In a dystopian era, humanoid robots and Artificial Intelligence were celebrated for their indisputable efficiency in their respective branches of calibre. Their merits excelled human statures. Although not as organic as humans, some AIs were parallel to humans with synthetic body parts. Spawned from this unnatural furtherance in perspicacity was the ALS-AI branded Kai who can never grow old or sick. But has a very short lifespan due to quality and quantity control. He, an AI who can love. An AI who can touch to feel.</p>
          </blockquote>





	1. Foreword

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In a dystopian era, humanoid robots and Artificial Intelligence were celebrated for their indisputable efficiency in their respective branches of calibre. Their merits excelled human statures. Although not as organic as humans, some AIs were parallel to humans with synthetic body parts. Spawned from this unnatural furtherance in perspicacity was the ALS-AI branded Kai who can never grow old or sick. But has a very short lifespan due to quality and quantity control. He, an AI who can love. An AI who can touch to feel.

 

 

>  

**ADVANCED LEVEL OF SYNTHETIC ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE (ALS-AI)**

 

**Product Name: KAI 6621**

**Model:** ALS6621

 **Serial Number:** 7267014-B64-1982

 **Date of Manufacture:** 23042072

 **Date of Expiration:** 23042092

 **Branches of Calibre:** Amity, Protection, Loyalty & Basic ALS-AI Skills

* * *

 

He was meant to die in the accident. It would not have been a terrible way to go. No. But instead of dying young, Jongin won himself a second chance. However, his condition during the comatose did not seem promising to his parents who were not ready to lose their only child. His death was certain. His father—the owner of Mecha Dynamics, a multinational company that engages in the production, manufacture and development of humanoid robots—decided to not mourn his son's possible death while he was still in comatose. For preference, he joined hands with LifeReal Biotic Corp to design and develop an ALS-AI (Advanced Level of Synthetic Artificial Intelligence) to replace his son.

Never did his father foresee the consequences of Jongin waking up from the comatose, although crippled for life. With walking aid, his legs could function almost as good as anyone's. Without them, he was a handicap, longing for love, yearning for a life that was snatched away from him. And before his eyes was the upgraded version of himself, fuel-efficient at everything that he did. When he was not in his walking aid or a hoverchair, he went around in Kai's arms.

_Inspired by Steven Spielberg's A.I. Artificial Intelligence_

* * *

 

**Cast**

 

 

Kim Jongin

Age: 18

 

 

 

KAI

Age: -

 

 

 

Oh Sehun

Age: 19

 

 

 

Park Chanyeol

Age: 18

 

 

For reference:

 **City** : https://newevolutiondesigns.com/images/freebies/futuristic-city-wallpaper-6.jpg

 **House** : https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/15/6e/5c/156e5c3c904df80b6080f40114eefdaf.jpg / http://cdn.freshome.com/wp-content/uploads/2010/09/villa-f-for-it-entrepreneur-7.jpg

 **Cars** : http://digital-art-gallery.com/oid/9/2485x927_3024_Futuristic_sedan_2d_automotive_car_sci_fi_futuristic_picture_image_digital_art.jpg

 **Walking aid** : http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2011/11/02/article-2056835-0E9E6AA600000578-517_306x444.jpg

 

* * *

"No, d-don't touch me."

"I can help you."

Jongin sucked in a shaky breath, clawing the edge of the mattress. "I said don't touch me." he swatted Kai's hand off his waist. "I get up on my own."

"I'm sorry, but I am programmed to help you."

"I don't care about what you're programmed to do, okay!"

Kai straightened up with ballooned eyes and lowered his head, averting his gaze. 

* * *

_"Just don't leave me tonight."_

_"Even if I expire tomorrow?"_

_"When you die tomorrow, take me with you."_

 

_Death leaves a heartache no one can heal, love leaves a memory no one can steal.—unknown_

 

 


	2. PROLUSION: THE GENESIS

“Honey, I want you to meet someone. Kai, this is… your mother.”

“Mother?”

“Oh, my god. He looks just like… Jongin.”

“He is… Jongin, honey.”

 

* * *

 

_2 months later_

“Can you hear me?”

“Hm.”

“Can you tell me what your name is?”

“Kim Jongin.”

“How old are you, Jongin?”

“18.”

“Good. Now tell me something about yourself.”

“I… just did.”

A soft chuckle. “Okay. Tell me. Um… Do you believe in God?”

 “God...Why should I?”

“They say that employing faith in Him frights the Evil and lights the Goodness.”

“ _They_ say? Then, should I not be believing _them_ instead of God?”

Silence followed.

“Do you not believe in God?”

“I’ve never seen him. How am I to believe something which I’ve never seen or heard?”

“All right. Fair point. So, tell me, then. What is it that you believe in?”

The silence stretched.

“I believe in nothing.”

“Nothing?”

“Nothing.”

“Why do you believe in nothing?”

“Because I’ve seen it.”

A sigh.

“You may open your eyes now, Jongin.”

Darkness and loneliness bathed the world he lived in. The world that he alone lived in. The progression of life which once seemed unstoppable now seemed to have halted in its slow pace. Nothing barely moved anymore. Despondency had taken its stranglehold. It had choked Jongin for far too long that all of his beautiful memories had turned into forgotten lost dreams.

The brightness of the room must have deceived him at first because his vision was a blurry chaos, dazzled by the brilliance of the light and decent glares that stared at him. Three sketches of figures. He clenched his bleary eyes for a moment, swallowing the fulgent vividness that struck him all at once.

“Verbal communication skills seem unaffected. No signs of constructional apraxia due to lesions in the parietal lobe. Pardon me, Jongin.”

A sudden flash of white blinded Jongin further and he cringed.

“All right,” the light went off. “Vitreous haemorrhage and retinal detachment are fixed. Mr Kim,” Jongin realized the doctor was no longer talking to him. “This is beyond science. But he has a great will to live. Not everyone could shift from VS to locked-in syndrome. And your son survived it all. Congratulations, Mr Kim.”

“Thank you, thank you,” The voice was familiar. “Jongin?” There was a frisson in the man’s voice as he edged closer. Latching his eyes again, Jongin drew in a long breath as he slowly recognized the voice and the vague figure.

“Dad,” The syllable rolled of his dry tongue. His lungs began to burn with a sad excitement. “Dad.”

“Son,” his father’s chapped lips stretched into a faint smile as his eyes furiously blinked away the tears that welled up. “How—how are you feeling?” he carefully laid a hand on Jongin’s. Scanning at the veins that ran on the hand, Jongin blinked rapidly. “You’re all right. You’re all right,” he muttered, wrapping his hand around Jongin’s and gave it a light squeeze. “Everything is going to be all right now.”

“Dad.” He sighed again before raising his head to glance around the white room.

His father’s eyes finally betrayed the old man’s pride and spilled a bead of tear. “You’re coming home. But first, your mother’s aching to meet you.”

“Mr Kim,” called the man in the white robes. No, not robes. Coat. Jongin wanted to lean his heavy head back and close his eyes again. “Perhaps we should discuss the matter at hand before we allow Mrs Kim to see her son.”

Jongin felt his father’s palm grow warm and damp against his own. The man’s jaw tightened as he rose to his feet, but refused to release Jongin’s hand. “All right.” He let out.

Nodding his head, the doctor took his seat on the stool next to the bed Jongin was resting in. The lower half of his body was covered.

“Hello, Jongin. I am Dr Song,” the man had brilliant blue eyes and greyed hair. His wrinkles on the corners of his eyes spelled his fatigue and experience. “Do you… know what happened to you?”

Jongin lowered his eyes before glancing to his father. “The accident.” He murmured, closing his eyes momentarily.

“Yes. You were in a vegetative state following the accident. We had you in our ageless programme. So although your cells could regenerate, they were made sure to not to mutate. So you were 18 when you got into the accident and technically speaking, you still are. However… Not even our advanced level of technology could… fix the damages in your brain at that time. You were close to… suffering from brain death,” he tossed Jongin’s father a doubtful look. “But fortunately, in those two years, we managed to get our hands on some of the most developed medical care from all around the world to aid you. And let’s just say that you, my boy, got very lucky.”

“Look, Jongin. Your mother and I thought that you will not wake up. We tried everything we could. Up to the point of merging you with a humanoid,” his father added, raising a hand to Jongin’s shoulder. “You woke up, son. You came back to us.” His smile filled Jongin’s chest with a new form light. The darkness had faded away. Slowly, the faint noises were acknowledged. A string of _beeps_ filled the room.

“We fixed almost all of you, Jongin,” continued the doctor before he exchanged another glace with his father. “Every last one of your brain balance and capacity is restored. But… here’s the catch,” he pursed his lips for a moment. “There was one thing we couldn’t fix. That was your spinal problem. Jongin,” the doctor took it slower. “I’m afraid your legs… are not functional due to injuries in your spine.”

“But it will not be a problem,” his father blurted out, diverting Jongin’s attention to himself before Jongin even had the chance to digest the new information. His father sank to sit on the edge of the bed as he took hold of Jongin’s hand again. “We have aids. Plenty! The doctors say that your legs are not functional below your knees. But we have specially designed walking aids for you and you won’t even know the differe—”

“I can’t… walk?” Jongin panted out in a shortage of breath.

“No, I’m afraid not,” answered the doctor. “But it isn’t the end of the world, Jongin. You will be able to lead a normal life. Look,” he waved his hand over the scanner on the edge of Jongin’s bed and a holographic screen flashed before Jongin’s eyes. “Except for your legs below your knees,” he drew a stylus pen along the blue outline of Jongin’s body on the screen. “Everything else seems to work fine, Jongin. That means, you will have the chance to lead a perfectly normal life. If walking is your concern, I’m sure your father, who owns one of the most renowned humanoid robotics company, would be able to help you with that. There is no short supply for physical aids these days.”

Jongin’s eyes darted to the covered area of the bed and took in the two narrow bulges beneath the sheets. His heart pounded in his throat. Then he snapped the eyes shut before tilting his head back to rest it on the pillow. “I want to rest.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

 

“Jongin,” his mother, bleary eyed, dropped to her knees before the hoverchair. Jongin glanced down to her, gripping the handles of his hoverchair as his father and a number of nurses loomed in the background. His mother’s eyes sheened with fatigue and months of desolation and grief. Smiling past the tears, his mother squeezed Jongin’s knee and brushed the hair out of her son’s eye. “We… we have something to tell you.”

Casting a look to the door of their penthouse, Jongin heaved a sigh. “What is it, Mom?”

“Before that, son,” his father started, ruffling Jongin’s hair with a sheepish grin etched on his face before he knelt on the other side of the hoverchair. “Your mother and I are just so,” he shared a contended look with his wife before smiling up at Jongin again. “So, so happy that we are all going to be a family again. In this very house.”

Jongin pursed his lips and averted his gaze. His heart remained sunken in the pit of his stomach. Nothing will ever be the same. When he cast his parents a look, he noticed their smiles had wilted. “Can we just go in?” Jongin asked in a low, sombre tone—unable to share his parents’ exhilaration.

“Yes, sure. Of course. Of course.” his mother blinked vacantly and rose to her full height. Waving her hand over the lock scanner, she unlocked the door and as it slid open, Jongin dropped his gaze to his legs. His inanimate legs.

“You ready, son?” the excitement in his father’s voice was palpable. The nurses took the sides of Jongin. Two of them held the disassembled parts of the walking aid. “All righty.” His father motioned the hoverchair to move forward and into the house. Jongin squinted at the brightness which was really difficult to get used to after months of darkness.

“We changed nothing in the house so that you’ll remember it as it was,” said his mother with her signature gentle smile as she accompanied Jongin down the slopping ramp over the steps. Jongin did not see the need of the ramp since the hoverchair could practically hover above the ground. “Jongin?” she called and Jongin tore his eyes from the living room before him.

“Yes, his room is this way,” his father directed the nurses so that they can set up his room and stock it with necessary medical aids. “And, Jongin. There’s a special someone we want you to meet.”

Jongin’s attention wandered to the couch and TV. “Did any of my… friends ever come to visit me when I was… in coma?” he asked, glancing around the hallway.

“Um… they did, sweetheart,” his mother said in a tender tone. “Sehun visited almost every day.”

“For how long?”

There was an eerie, stressful silence before his mother replied. “For some months.”

Jongin closed his eyes and drew in a shaky breath. “He never showed up again?” Something told him his mother was lying. Lying about Sehun visiting him almost every day.

“Ah,” his father interrupted with a rasp as he entered the hallway again. “Jongin, I want you to meet your new… brother. This is Kai.”

Jongin twirled the hoverchair around to face his father, hoping that his ears had deceived him. Ashen, his lips turned cold and blue. His heart still beat, but his chest had gone hollow. He felt his mother rest her hands on his shoulders from behind.

“He’s an ALS-AI,” his father added, but his voice began to ring in Jongin’s ears as he fixed his eyes on the guy—on _himself_ —that stood several feet taller beside his father. Its hair was cropped at the sides, but the long bangs were spiked up. It was a Xerox copy of Jongin a couple of years ago.

“What… is this?” the words came out as a whisper and the rest of Jongin’s body and soul died along with his legs.

“Hello, Jongin. My name is Kai.” It dropped to one of its knees before the hoverchair and held a hand out to Jongin.

“No…”

“Jongin, calm down,” his father advised. “We… I can explain.”

“Don’t be mad, Jongin.” the ALS-AI said in a monotonous, toneless and flat voice that echoed Jongin’s.

“Stay away from me! Get away from me!” he jolted the hoverchair back until it slammed against his mother.

“Oh, my god, Jongin. Please, calm down.” His mother gasped.

“No, no, no!”

The ALS-AI shot right up and retreated a few steps with wide eyes as if it were shocked.


	3. Development

“Please, look at us, Jongin.”

There was a sombre sadness in his mother’s voice, wrapped in a gentle sob as she pleaded, kneeling before the hoverchair as the nurses—whom Jongin realized were humanoids—quite deafened and quietly set up his room in accordance to his new needs—the damaged Jongin’s new needs. The empty shape in him had choked every drop of life out of him and now he was dead. Every word that carefully flowed from his parents’ mouths was an excuse, a lie. As Jongin understood, once people were in survival mode there would be a maw on their higher thinking, concepts like truth and honesty became whispers among the anxious screams. Artifice, deceit and desperate excuses became their heroic paladins to save them from the impediment. His parents at that instant were in survival mode. Anything they said, Jongin turned against them, but made no remark. Sometimes, silence was the best punishment. Was the best vengeance.

“Jongin, listen,” his mother continued with a sob choking her throat as her son surveyed the empty wall of his room, turning a deaf ear to his parents. “Honey?” she finally turned to her husband who stood by Jongin’s side with a hand clasped to his mouth.

“We didn’t think you’d survive, Jongin,” his father stated blatantly. Jongin slowly turned his head to look up to his father before scoffing lightly and returned his vacant gaze back to the empty wall. “Son, we want you to understand our plight. It was near impossible to live without your presence in this house. We couldn’t. Your mother couldn’t. I couldn’t.”

“Sweetheart,” his mother rubbed his knee, smiling up at him, but her smile wavered. “We did not want to replace you. Please, believe us. We were not going to replace you with Kai. But as your father said,” she wiped the corner of her eye and smiled again. “We couldn’t live or smile without you. Kai was a… he was a…” she trailed off, desperately glancing over to her husband for aid.

“He was just a comfort, Jongin,” the man said, pressing a hand to Jongin’s shoulder. “He is the new generation of ALS-AI. He is almost human. I was asked to work with LifeReal, I saw an opportunity, and I grabbed it. He’s not a clone, Jongin. He’s not _you_ in any sense. He is a mere synthetic consolation. Not a substitute, son.”

“A mother can never replace a child, Jongin.” his mother added as her hand shook on Jongin’s knee. A tear trickled down her pink cheek.

“But he was our solace.”

The empty wall became emptier. Like Jongin’s chest. He could no longer respond. He did not _want_ to respond. He wanted to just close his eyes and hurl everything out of his mind. How could his parents build a synthetic Artificial Intelligence to replace him? How do they expect him to take any of this well? Oh, that’s right. They were not even expecting him to wake up and come home. Jongin wondered if his parents considered pulling the plug while he was in comatose. He should not be mad. He was not. He was just too numb. Just as numb as his irresponsive legs.

“We are done, Mr Kim.” The nurses chimed in unison and his father immediately attended them.

“That’ll be all. Thank you. You may return to your stations. I can help him get into the walking aid.”

“Jongin?” his mother called as his father assisted the humanoid nurses out of the room. The humanoids were the prevailing Artificial Intelligence thus far in terms of quantity. Jongin did not know how much development had been achieved in the past two years, but certainly it was to a great extent, considering the fact that there was an AI which resembled him. “Jongin?” He bowed his head to face his mother when she cupped his cheek. “Think about me,” she sniffed. “Th-think about what I went through. We were all desperate, Jongin.”

“So, you went and got yourself a robot, Mom?” his voice sounded dead to him. It felt dry. Lifeless.

“He is not a robot, Jongin,” his father replied, re-entering the room. “He _is_ synthetic. And his brain _is_ programmed and localized according to his calibres. But he isn’t mechanical. He could regenerate cells, Jongin. He has all olfacception, audioception, ophthalmoception and tactioception. We didn’t find it necessary for him to have taste buds, but he could consume organic materials, both toxic and non-toxic. He is made of synthetics. But he is almost human, Jongin.”

“No, he isn’t, Rin,” Jongin’s mother’s voice turned harsh as she snapped at her husband. “Our son _is_ human. Kai is plastic. He will never replace our son, no matter how efficient he is. He doesn’t have a soul.”

Jongin fixed his eyes on his mother while his father fell silent for a moment.

“What I’m trying to say is, Jongin, he is not just something that we purchased as a substitution for your absence. It was too hard for us. Please, try to understand.” His father said, running a hand through Jongin’s hair at the back.

“Get rid of it, then.” Jongin muttered, spinning the hoverchair around to face his bed. Everything remained as it was two years ago when Jongin had last seen it. Except that now his bed had railings at the edges.

“Jongin, it’s not that simple. He is one of the first ALS-AI. He is extremely expensive, Jongin. I… I mean, I am responsible for him.”

Jongin did not bother to turn around to meet his father’s woeful gaze. Instead, he loured at the holographic photo-framer on the bedside table. “I don’t want it in the house.” He murmured under his breath, keeping his eyes on the photo that would haunt him for the rest of his life.

“Okay,” his father agreed. “Think of it this way. Uh… give him a chance. He could be a… a company since you’re going to be spending an awful amount of time at home for a while. Give him a week or two, will you? Then if you still don’t want him around, I’ll,” he took a pause and then a deep breath. “I’ll bring him back to LifeReal and I’ll… I’ll have him dissolved.”

Jongin did not need a week or two. He wanted this unnatural creation to be destroyed right this instant. But he did not have the energy or the incentive to drag this argument any further. “I’d like to be… alone for a while.”

His parents stayed mum as Jongin scanned the photo. When they had silently left the room, Jongin picked up the thin pen-like photo-framer and stared into the photo of him and Sehun. His arm around Sehun’s waist, Sehun’s head on his shoulder and the smile etched on their young faces—seemed like a lifetime ago. It _was_ a lifetime ago. He turned off the power of the photo-framer and settled it back on the bedside table before turning around. The windows were black tinted. But he knew it was bright and morning outside. Jongin had become a caricature of himself. And he was crumbling inside. Silently.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Now, that fits like a glove,” the man’s sheepish grin did not amuse Jongin in any way. His father rose to his feet after turning on the power of the walking aid that clutched around Jongin’s calves. “That’s ironic because gloves go on the hands,” he chuckled to himself and when Jongin did not share his humour, his laughter faltered and he licked his lips. “Now, try and walk forward. It’s pretty much self-effective. You direct your motion forward and it’ll carry 78 per cent of your weight for you.”

Jongin towered above his father and it felt almost uncomfortable to be standing on _nothing._ It felt as though he was hovering above ground, but his feet were grounded. He made an effort and took a step forward. His weight shifted at once and the walking aid carried him ahead. Two steps became three and three became four. His father grinned as if he had reverted back to a father who was witnessing his child take his first baby steps. Jongin came to a halt and pushed his hair out of his eyes. He might need a haircut soon. But he most certainly did not want to look like that robot out there which was a total rip-off of himself.

“They’re good, aren’t they?!” his father exclaimed, beaming from ear to ear. “And you won’t even feel they’re there.”

“I don’t.” Jongin admitted.

“Wonderful.”

“Oh,” his mother’s loving gasp reverberated into the bedroom and Jongin looked to her. She held her hands to her mouth as tears brimmed in her brown eyes. “Honey.” She sighed.

“It’s perfect, honey.” Her husband mirrored her smile of satisfaction.

“Well, breakfast’s ready.”

“I want to take a shower first.” Jongin appealed.

“Do you need any help?”

“No,” he said immediately. “I can manage.”

“Oh. All right,” she held her smile as her husband curled an arm around her. They stood by the door, watching Jongin stand stock-still for a moment. “We’ll wait for you, then.”

Once he was alone in his room, Jongin tried to walk to the sides. Then he tried walking backwards. It was not as bad as he initially thought it would be. His father was right. It was unbelievably light and efficient. It was still a little uncomfortable, but then again, his whole life had turned topsy-turvy for him to remain comfortable with anything. He can never return to the person he was. It was a new day. He had not stepped out of his room since he had come home yesterday. But for the sake of his parents’ happiness, he ought to try.

Just when he was about to unbutton his shirt, his own voice startled him. “Good morning, Jongin.”

Almost knocking the clock-framer off the shelf, Jongin turned around and met the ALS-AI with a set of shocked eyes. All air was knocked out of his lungs as he gaped at the ALS-AI as if it were his own reflection.

“Do not be afraid of me, Jongin,” it said calmly and in a very steady voice. There was just no way could Jongin describe how it looked because it literally looked like a copy of himself. Only with better maintenance. Swallowing, Jongin took a step back and braced himself against the shelf. “Father and mother said we are brothers.” Its composure threw Jongin off a little.

“ _Father?_ ” he breathed, clawing at the edge of the shelf. “Mom! Mom! Dad!” he could not help but yell his lungs out. Pure rage and disgust surged through his veins.

The ALS-AI, bemused and baffled as yesterday, took its retreat, but it did not leave altogether. Instead, he stood by the doorframe to stare at Jongin as if it found him to be amusing. “I will not hurt you, Jongin. I am your brother.”

“Says who, huh? You’re made of synthetics! I was born!”

“I know. I know everything about you, Jongin. I’ve read files on you.” he earnestly seemed innocent, which only angered Jongin further.

“Stay away from me. Just… fucking go away!”

“I… I am sorry, Jongin. I did not mean to scare you. It was never my intention.”

“Mom!”

“Jongin?!” his father’s cry echoed from the hallway before he gushed into the room with his wife rushing after him. “Oh, my god. What happened?!”

“Jongin does not want me around.” the AI confessed without any expression on his face.

“Oh,” the man sighed, rubbing his temples before he cast Jongin a vague look. “Kai, it’s best if you don’t bother him for a while.”

“All right.” It nodded its head and walked away.

“Jongin, calm yourself.”

“Dad, I don’t want it near me.” Jongin panted, clenching and opening his eyes.

“I understand, son. But—”

“Father?” Jongin’s eyes shifted to his mother. “Mother? Why is it calling you that?” he was aware of the scowl that deepened on his brows.

“He’s… he’s programmed that way. When his brain was localized, he was—”

“I don’t want to know, Dad,” Jongin waved him off. “Just keep that thing away from me.” He let out an exasperated breath before starting toward the bathroom.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It sat in the furthest corner of the vast dining room. With its arms wrapped around its knees. With its eyes constantly devouring Jongin. The dining table was silent. It was his first meal at this table after two years and his parents had almost lost hope that they would ever have a meal together again. Jongin tore his eyes off the ALS-AI that still seemed amused and focused on the salad before him.

“How’s the… steak, Jongin?” his mother asked in a very low voice. Jongin responded with a couple of curt nods and gave the AI sitting on the floor, in the corner with a sidelong glance. “I called some of your friends. They might drop by soon.” She said with a smile of hope.

Jongin swallowed the red beans as if they were stinging his tongue. It was still staring at him. “Does it have to sit there and watch?” he finally asked out of frustration.

Both his parents glanced to the ALS-AI named Kai and it burrowed its chin between his knees, staring at Jongin’s parents now. “Um,” his mother droned. “Kai has always sat here with us. We—uh… told him that he shouldn’t sit here when you’re…” she trailed off.

“But he can’t _not_ be here during breakfast, lunch or dinner. He’s constructed to uphold family values. Loyalty above all. Programmed to adopt affection, amity and love.” His father finished.

Jongin did not want to make a remark on that. That ALS-AI was just an item. An intelligent item. Nothing more. He forked the salad and blankly stared at his plate for a long minute before looking up at the ALS-AI again. It perked its head up and leaned it back on the wall with its eyes fixated on Jongin again. What a curious little thing.


	4. Automaton

“The team and I have to recalibrate the entire system today. And the Tokyo schemas are being reviewed as well. I might be home late.” His father had not aged badly. Not even close. He was an incredibly handsome man even if exhaustion and bereavement had greyed many strands of his hair. The responsibilities were equally weighing the man’s shoulders down. But Jongin knew his father was at much ease now that his son had returned. Nevertheless, he also knew a great deal of his father’s grief was solaced by ‘the new shiny toy’ he had brought home to replace his son. Swiping his forefinger on the remote tablet on his lap, Jongin flipped through the channels while his gaze aimlessly idled on the TV screen. It had been almost four days since he had come home and this was the first time in forever he had bothered to exit his room and retire from staring at pure nothingness on his own. Although he was trying to restore his regular modus operandi, Jongin doubted that he ever could. Nothing was the same anymore. The liveliness of this house had died long ago—along with Jongin’s motivating force and animating principles. And legs.

He could see his mother adjusting her husband’s necktie—as she always had before he left home, for as long as Jongin could remember—through his peripheral vision. The early morning rays of sunlight painted the sleek floor and white furniture, oozing through the glass walls.

“Okay,” he heard his mother whisper as she dragged her palms down her husband’s chest, straightening his shirt. “Don’t be too late.”

Jongin felt his parents’ eyes on his nape, but decided to not to acknowledge them as he switched the channels.  “He’s out of his room,” he heard his father utter under his breath and felt the hint of satisfaction in his tone. “That’s something.”

“He just needs some time.”

Some time to adapt to change.

Some time to heal.

Some time to acclimatize himself.

Some time to concur with the fact that he was damaged goods.

Some time to accept himself.

Some time to live again.

He had run out of tears.

“Sweetheart?”

Jongin mechanically turned his head to meet his mother and father with a weak smile.

“I’ll be right back,” said his mother, clinging to her husband’s arm. Jongin offered them a curt nod before returning his meek attention to the TV screen. “I was thinking about going to the mall later.”

Once they were gone, Jongin settled the remote tablet on the couch beside him and dropped his eyes to his legs. The walking aid clutched the sides of his legs and calves. His father had said that he would barely feel its presence, but all that Jongin could feel was the walking aid mocking him. He wanted to take it off and hurl it across the room. But he neither had the spirits nor the energy to do it.

It was not even the fact that he was physically disabled now that yanked his tenor and psyche down. It was the reality that he had met Death and negotiated with Him. When he returned to life on his end of the bargain, his life had flown by. Dreams and hope were replaced by nightmares and numbness. He had given enough thoughts about it. It was not the end of the world—as the doctor _and_ his father had said. But he could not seem to button down the reasons for his despair. There was an aetiology for his numbness, certainly. However, he did not know why he felt this way, why he was letting this dull grey pale his once colourful life.

He lifted a leg and the walking aid silently droned. Settling it back down on the floor, he heaved a sigh before tilting his head back. He stared at the penthouse’s ceiling. This was his least favourite house of all the houses he had lived in. But it was the most luxurious. Life had always been hectic for him and his family until only recently his father took over Mecha Dynamics when his confrontational partner passed away. Jongin valued his family. Greatly. But he had dreams. Dreams of going to college. Dreams of moving in with Sehun. And now, he was a disabled boy who could relapse at any moment. Dreams—crushed. It was not the end of the world, no. But Jongin could not find good arguments to debate against his despondency and pessimism.

The door clicked as it locked behind him. His mother’s slender fingers ruffled his hair as she passed him. “I was thinking about making your favourite today,” she chimed as she approached the kitchen. “Carrot cake.”

Jongin pursed his lips and nodded, keeping his eyes glued to the TV screen. He had forgotten that carrot cake was his favourite.

“Jongin?”

He was forced to look to her and his mother still smiled, tender as always.

“Are you all right?”

Jongin answered with a nod and a smile again before returning his gaze to the TV screen. “I’m fine, Mom.” He breathed out and saw his mother grin when he tossed her another brief glance.

“Okay, sweetheart.”

They’d want to talk about it. About his future. But he doubted they would bring the topic up anytime soon. Future. The word dampened Jongin’s mood deeper. What will the future hold? Time stopped two years ago after the accident. He was in the present, haunted by the past. Future was going to be a new problem.

He desperately wanted to push these soulless thoughts out his head, but all his attempts failed miserably. He found himself sauntering back into the dark realms of depression as soon as he diverted his attention or distracted himself. He tried to focus on the song his mother was humming in the kitchen. This house had never been this empty. It was always filled with people or humanoids. Most of the time, both. Dad always had his employees around and the errand humanoid robots constantly roamed the penthouse. But now, it was as deserted as Jongin’s spirit. He wondered if his parents ever visited the horrifying realms of depression when he was in comatose.

Jongin almost jumped on the couch when his ALS-AI clone walked into the living room. He instantaneously recognized the black shirt the AI sported. That moment, Jongin felt a crushing punch to his heart and his was knocked out of breath. Wide-eyed, he gaped at the shirt the AI was wearing before glancing up at its face. At _his_ face. The ALS-AI looked around it, as if fidgeting. It examined the couch Jongin was sitting on and dropped its head before walking over to the corner near the TV screen. As it sank to sit in the corner, Jongin deeply grimaced. “Mom! Mom!”

“What is it?! What is it, Jongin?!” she came gushing into the living room with an automatic peeler in her hand and a set of alarmed eyes on her face. Jongin glared at the ALS-AI that immediately jolted up to its feet. “Jongin,” his mother sighed tiredly. “Kai, why are you sitting on the floor again?” she frowned at the ALS-AI as she would frown to her own, real son.

“Father said I should not sit anywhere near him because it aggravates him. Therefore, I sat here, mother.” it pointed to the spot it was sitting on.

“Can you go back to your room, please, Kai?” she smiled faintly and the ALS-AI bowed its head at once before starting towards its room.

“No, wait,” Jongin rasped and pressed a hand to the armrest to push himself up. When he stumbled, the ALS-AI lurched forward at once and almost grabbed his elbow if it weren’t for Jongin who growled at it. “Stay away!”

“I am sorry,” The ALS-AI retreated at once. “I was told to help you should you ever need my help.”

“Okay. Can you just fucking leave and never come back?”

“Jongin—” his mother started, but the ALS-AI interrupted her.

“I am sorry, Jongin. I only follow what is on my protocol. And following your orders is not on my protocol.” Its arrogance ticked Jongin off. Balling his hands into fists, Jongin adjusted his legs towards his own room.

“Jongin, wait. Don’t go.” His mother exhaled, grabbing his arm.

“Why is it calling you mother, Mom?! You did not give birth to this goddamn robot!”

“Technically speaking, Jongin. I am not a robot,” the ALS-AI explained calmly. “An automaton would be mechanically engineered. It would not have feelings. Such as this peeler mother is holding. The TV. The air ventilator. They do not have feelings.”

“Oh and you do?” he snarled, grinding his teeth.

“Yes. I was designed with receptors.”

Jongin cringed and rolled his eyes. “Mom, I want this thing out of the house. Or I’m the one who will be leaving.” He heard his mother mutter his name as he stomped away, in a very steady pace.

 

 

 

He avoided the windows—the eyes to the outside world. Sitting on the edge of the bed, he tore his gaze from the windows of his room and began to unlatch the walking aid. He preferred the restless sleep to giving any thought to the ‘next generation’ of human innovation out there. Freezing for a moment, Jongin stared at the empty wall, _his_ empty wall.

Then setting the walking aside, he grabbed the holographic tablet from the bedside table and accessed the pages of LifeReal Biotic Corps portal. Scrolling through the portal, he wondered if these ‘almost human’ ALS-AIs were well-received by everyone. Did these people ever thought about what kind of threat these synthetic humans with almost all the senses could pose should they prevail over human population? Biting his lip, Jongin clicked on one of the feedback threads. ALS-AIs were apparently more efficient and obedient than humanoid robots. Due to the fact they were able to think rationally although always sticking by their respective protocols, they were preferable to humankind. Of course, only the rich humankind. Jongin felt his blood pound in his ears. He then posted a feedback.

I f  t h e y  k n o w  h o w  t o  l o v e, w h a t  h a p p e n s  w h e n  t h e y  f i n d  o u t  h o w  t o  h a t e ?

Swallowing, Jongin closed the tab and set it back on the bedside table. The sudden knock on the door startled him and he drew in a frustrated breath before asking his mother to come in. His heart hammered in his chest when it was the ALS-AI that entered the room.

“Get out.”

“Why do you hate me, Jongin?” it asked in a very slow, but flat voice. Jongin blinked before cocking his brows at it. It was a perfect copy of Jongin, yes. But it was a copy of the energetic, ambitious guy Jongin was two years ago. Now, Jongin knew he looked inferior to this flawless creation. “Father and mother are flustered because you hate me. I do not like seeing them helpless.” His hair was neat, unlike Jongin’s. His shoulders were broad and were screaming confidence. His face was chiselled to perfection. Jongin realized the ALS-AI did not look all like him after all. It was _preferable._

“So, I take it that your protocol is to follow my parents’ orders.”

The ALS-AI nodded his head sharply. “But I love them. It is not only because of the protocol.”

“Sure. You say what you want to sell yourself. Now get out of my room.” He gripped the edge of his mattress and looked away, clenching his jaw.

“I am not a robot, Jongin.”

That was it. Losing the final silvers of his temper, Jongin extended an arm to reach for the hoverchair. But before his fingertips could even touch it, he stumbled forward and crashed the floor on his knees. It took him a second to realize that he was leaning against the ALS-AI which had dropped to the floor in the blink of an eye to catch him. Breathless for a moment, Jongin felt the ALS-AI’s warmth against his chest and face. It had a heartbeat. It was breathing.

“You don’t have to be so stubborn.” The ALS-AI breathed out a chuckle against his cheek and Jongin’s jaw almost dropped. Its steady arm curled around Jongin’s waist and it effortlessly lifted Jongin up to sit on the bed again.

Once he was on the bed, Jongin grabbed the black shirt—the shirt Sehun had given Jongin for his 18th birthday—by the ALS-AI’s stomach and shoved it hard until it staggered back, but quickly recovered its stability. Surprised, the AI blinked at Jongin. “Stay away from me.” Jongin snapped, panting a little.

“I want to be friends with you, Jongin.” it sighed, expressionlessly.

“You’re a bloody freak of nature, do you get it? You were made in a laboratory. You’re made of plastics! You may think that you have feelings, but you were programmed to believe that you do! And to come to think of it, you’re supposedly _smart,_ ” He scoffed. “You have an expiration date. I don’t. I will always be there with my parents. You won’t.”

The ALS-AI only stared at Jongin for a long moment before it silently left the room, closing the door behind it.


	5. Solitude

“I never understood, though, mother,” the ALS-AI’s static voice was what Jongin heard the instant the door slid open. It entered the house, hugging a couple of grocery bags as Jongin’s mother tagged behind it with a broad beam bright on her face. Her cheeks and the tip of her nose were painted red with exhilaration as though she had gone breathless. “I have always wondered. Why play and fight for a single ball instead of just getting themselves a ball each?”

His mother broke into a string of chuckles as she locked the door. The ALS-AI wore an amused expression as if it were glad to have made its mother happy. “Believe me, Kai. You’re not the first one who had wondered that.” She chortled, playfully slapping the AI’s arm.

“Okay. What about mermaids, mother? Do they really exist?”

Jongin averted his gaze and flipped the channel on the TV. He wished he could just block the ALS-AI’s voice out. Every time Jongin heard himself speak, it reminded him of the AI and it frustrated the living daylights out of him.

“Where did you get the idea of mermaids from?” his mother faked a gasp before she laughed, making her way to Jongin. “You’re up early.” She remarked, leaning over the back of the couch to ruffle Jongin’s unkempt hair and kiss his temple.

“Yeah,” he muttered, keeping his eyes on the TV screen.

“Your Dad and I have to go the Lee’s tonight. Do you remember them? You used to have playdates with Stella.”

“Why are you going there?”

“Oh, it’s a dinner. You can come along if you want to.”

Jongin knew that would not bode well for him. He was not ready to face the outside world and their agonizing questions just yet. “No, I’ll be fine.”

“I watched the Little Mermaid the other day, mother,” the ALS-AI interrupted. “Ariel got legs. There was a sea witch. Do sea witches exist, mother?”

“Why shouldn’t they?” Jongin answered instead. “When there’s robots that think they have parents exist in this world?”

The living room fell into silence even with the TV running. Jongin heard his mother heave an audible sigh as she withdrew her fingers from Jongin’s hair. “Kai, would you like to help me with lunch?”

“Of course, mother.” It agreed immediately with a Cheshire grin plastered to its unflawed face.

“Why don’t you settle the groceries in the kitchen? I’ll be right there.”

“All right, mother. Would Jongin like to help us, too?”

Jongin could not help, but cast the ALS-AI a glare.

“I don’t think he wants to. Why don’t you go first?” Jongin could hear the gentle, motherly smile in his mother’s tone. When the ALS-AI was gone, his mother took her seat on the armrest and lightly curled a hand around Jongin’s nape. “Don’t be too harsh on him, Jongin.” she said calmly, stroking her son’s hair by the back of his neck.

“It doesn’t have any feelings for me to hurt, Mom.” He spat through his grit teeth.

“Jongin, he does. His feelings and emotions derive from what we show him. Sweetheart, I know that it must be difficult for you. But to him, you’re the new member of the family.”

“Yeah, I can totally see that,” Jongin shifted in his seat on the couch to face his mother straight. “So, you go shopping with it? You laugh with it. It’s like this new kid, huh?”

His mother’s eyebrows furrowed into a knot as she frowned at her son, withdrawing her hand. “I don’t know how to convince you, Jongin. We’ll have to talk to your Dad if you are truly uncomfortable with Kai around.”

“Why didn’t you just name it Jongin as well if you love it so much?” he felt his jaw flex.

“Because we didn’t get him to replace you, Jongin. Try to understand. It was killing us. And when Kai came into our lives, things became easier. It was like seeing you in the house, but he… he was never _you._ He can never be _you._ ”

“Whatever, Mom. I can’t…” he sighed. “I really can’t bother with this anymore. I don’t want it anywhere near me. If you can’t get it out of here, I’ll just leave.” He swiped the remote tablet and vacantly switched the channels.

“If we bring him back to LifeReal, he will be dissolved, Jongin,” he faced his mother and her deepened frown. She looked miserable that moment. As if she were about to lose another child. “He’s not a robot,” she said under her breath, smiling through agony. “He feels. If you cut him, he’ll bleed. If you cry, he’ll cry with you. If you crack jokes, he’s going to laugh. And if you’re in pain, he’ll do whatever it takes to end your pain even at the cost of his own pain. That’s how he is built. Teach him to love, he’ll love, Jongin. ”

_If you cut him, he’ll bleed._

Jongin clenched his eyes momentarily, trying to swallow what his mother had just divulged. “I don’t care, Mom,” he spat, flashing his eyes open. “How would you feel if I tried to replace you with a robot, huh?”

She nodded her head sombrely and rose from the armrest. “All right. I’ll talk to your Dad.”

Jongin sat still for a long moment, aimlessly staring at the TV screen. His mind was a blank slate with all elements of emotions looming in the back of his head, but were never really in the picture. He blinked. He breathed. He swallowed. But he zoned out for a while. When he was snapped back into reality by the sudden screech on the TV, he heard his mother’s chuckle reverberate through the kitchen’s hallway. Then pushing himself up, he tossed the remote tablet to the couch before he started toward the kitchen. His walking aid buzzed a little at first, but eventually the drone died out. He stopped just by the doorway of the kitchen and watched the ALS-AI chopping garlic with the automatic chopper.

“Kai?” his mother called out of the sudden and she instantaneously had the ALS-AI’s attention.

“Yes, mother.”

“What do you… think about Jongin?” she asked in a very low voice.

“I don’t particularly have any opinions about him other than he is being mean to me.”

His mother bowed her head, peeling the cucumbers. “How do you feel about that? Him… being mean to you.”

The ALS-AI dropped its gaze and stayed mum for a moment. “I feel sad, mother.”

“Why, Kai?”

“Because you and father love him. Therefore I will love him, too. But he does not even want to give me a chance. I don’t know why he hates me, mother.”

“He does not hate you, Kai.” She frowned and laid a hand on Kai’s.

“He does, mother. He calls me a robot as if I am mechanical and I have no feelings. But it’s okay, mother. He isn’t happy right now and I can see that.” It lowered his head further.

“Oh, Kai,” his mother sighed. “Listen to me, okay? Whatever he does or says, he’s not a bad person and he would never mean harm to anyone. And I want you to look out for him. Protect him. Treat him as your brother.”

“He does not want to be my brother. Or even a friend.” It grabbed itself another garlic clove to chop.

“You want him to give you chance, don’t you?” she smiled, stroking the ALS-AI’s arm. “Why don’t you give him a chance as well?”

Jongin retreated from the doorway in a shortage of breath. His mother was treating the AI as she would treat a human. Jongin certainly did not understand how she could not distinguish the difference between a human and a synthetic Artificial Intelligence made in a laboratory. But worst of all, Jongin wondered if his parents would have been happy with this ALS-AI if he had never come back.

 

 

 

“Jongin?” the subtle knocks on the door pounded in Jongin’s head. In his room, he had crawled back into his shell and had become unreachable again. In his hands was the paper thin photo displayer which flashed the old photographs of Sehun, himself and Dae. Dae whom he had killed. Jongin closed his eyes to swallow the tears. Tears… They finally reappeared to torment him. “We’re off to the Lee’s.” his mother said on the other side of the locked door that separated Jongin from the world.

“Do we really have to go?” he heard his father moan.

“We promised. But… maybe we should just—”

“See you later, guys.” Jongin called out and there was an eerie silence for a minute before his father replied.

“All right, son. We might be home late. So, good night.”

“Good night.”

Dusk had dawned. Jongin had not bothered to take the walking aid off since morning and his calves were beginning to grow colder. He sat up on the edge of the bed and scrolled through the pictures. He used to be happy. Now a black, dark, desolated shadow just followed him everywhere and devoured him, little by little like a silent killer. His mind plummeted downward into darker depths and he saw no light. He found out this morning that Sehun had gone to college and was living the life he had always dreamt of. Only without Jongin. So much for promises and unutterable vows. Jongin stood on the brink of something he could not describe. If he let his tears fall, they’d role silently as a grave in steady procession, but he would not be aware of it. The firm grip of desolation convinced him that he was no longer useful. He was worthless. And he had killed his best friend.

Jongin rose from the bed after settling the photo displayer on the bed. The dim light emitting through the lampshade bleached the path to the door. He felt empty. Numb. Worthless. Tired. He didn’t need himself. Why would anyone else need him? He silently walked out of his room and wove his way to the kitchen.

As soon as he stepped in, the lights automatically went on. His throat felt like a sandpaper. Jongin gazed to the faucet, then to the knives sitting neatly on the kitchen counter. He dragged his useless legs to the counter. His lips parted to fill his lungs with air as he curled a hand around a knife and pulled it out of its holder. Then fisting his left hand and clenching his jaw, he drew the blade to his wrist and lined it across the pulsating vein.

That was when he felt a warm, soft palm snake around his right wrist and he almost dropped the knife. He turned his head a little to meet the ALS-AI’s languid, unjudging gaze. Its hand slid to Jongin’s and it took hold of the knife before drawing it away from Jongin’s grip. Jongin’s eyes brimmed with tears once again as he averted his attention back to the knife that was returned to the holder. The pain felt like an open wound as Jongin finally gave in. There was a rawness to his silent cries as he lost all defences. The ALS-AI—Kai very gently latched his hands to the sides of Jongin’s waist to turn him around. He carefully seated Jongin onto a counter stool and dropped to his knees. Jongin mask of coping faded away as a bead of tear dripped off his chin. Kai silently unlocked the walking aid around Jongin’s calves and pulled them off his legs before settling them on the floor. He was thoughtful as he did it slowly, careful not to hurt Jongin’s numb legs. Then he rose to his full height. Jongin final defences were all washed away in those salty tears and he succumbed to Kai’s gentleness. The ALS-AI bent a little with an arm crooked beneath Jongin’s knees and another curled around his back. Then effortlessly, Kai lifted Jongin into his arms. Jongin did not fight it. He clung onto Kai’s neck, hiding his sobs in the crook of the neck as Kai carried him to his room.


	6. Travails

In his arms, it felt like a little touch of heaven. The steady pace of Kai’s artificial heartbeat calmed the storms in Jongin’s heart. In his embrace, Jongin felt strangely safe. The lone star in his blanket of lightless sky had dimmed out some time ago. But the subtle heat of Kai’s chest enveloped the star with a protective layer of warmth—securing Jongin with indemnity and a safe barrier. His unutterable pain seeped out in every breath and tear—neither of which he could control at that moment as Kai carefully settled him on his bed. It was an endless pain to realize that he could never be good enough, that he was just as good as dead, buried and forgotten. All the inner screams and cries which no one heard. That was the pain Jongin went to sleep with every night. Tissue generators concealed his scars on his body, on his skin. But the invisible scars within him were a constant reminder that he was damaged. He was worthless. He was not shiny or perfect like this ALS-AI his parents could easily replace him with. His wounds were open like a cyst. And yet, no one could do anything about them because they could not see them.

It hurt.

No one knew.

It hurt.

No one understood.

His head gently came into contact with the pillow and Kai’s hand cupped the back of his neck until Jongin was properly lain. Then his palm tenderly slid from under Jongin’s neck as Jongin brought his half-fisted hands to his face to hide the sobs behind them. He clenched his eyes as the salty tears trickled down the corners of his eyes. Nobody wanted to be hurt. Nobody. But he did hurt. Jongin choked on a sob as the beads of tears bled into the pillow unchecked. He wanted to stop crying. He desperately needed to stop feeling. He had been numb for far too long. All these sudden emotions that surged through him were like shards of glass to his chest. He wept into the back of his hands and crooked fingers, bestially gasping for air.

His unmoving legs felt the duvet draped over them and Jongin buried his face further into the pillow. He silently prayed for Kai to not to leave him, but was too wrecked to ask him right away. He then felt a weight on the edge of his bed before a set of constantly warm fingers gently curled around his wrists. “Don’t cry, Jongin,” he whispered, trying to pull Jongin’s hands away from his face. Jongin easily succumbed and let Kai draw his hands into his own. Sniffling, he stared at Kai with tears blurring his vision. Jongin’s hands remained idle in Kai’s palms as Kai expressionlessly watched Jongin, as if he were trying to read something in his eyes. “I’ve never cried.” He muttered, lowering his eyes to Jongin’s parted lips. Pulling a hand from Jongin’s, he cupped a side of Jongin’s face before swiping his thumb over his cheekbone, wiping the stain of tears away.

“You don’t have scars.” Jongin exhaled in a raspy breath.

Kai withdrew his hand from Jongin’s face and Jongin withdrew his from Kai’s. “Maybe your scars are your road-map. Maybe without them, you’ll be lost,” His voice was ridiculously calming. Jongin’s eyes fell droopy with wetness bordering them and clumping his eyelashes together. “Sometimes, humans need vulnerabilities to guide them. But you are not alone. You have mother. You have father. You don’t want me. But I am here, too. You… make mother and father happy. You are important to them. Therefore, you are important to me.”

It was too tiring to hate something… someone who had done nothing wrong. It was unfair to Kai. “I… I…” he looked up at Kai again. “I don’t want to… live anymore.”

Kai only stared back for a long moment before he asked, “Why?”

 _Why?_ Jongin had no answer to that. He clenched his eyes.

“Life is precious,” Kai continued and Jongin lazily opened his eyes. “I don’t have that _life._ I want to,” He stood up from the bed. “Mother and father love you more because you _are_ their life. Mother told me,” he smiled. “Good night.”

Jongin’s heart pounded in his chest. “Don’t tell Mom and Dad about this.”

“I cannot promise you that, Jongin. If mother or father should ask, I will not lie to them.”

Jongin averted his gaze and vacantly glared at the clock. _Stay. Don’t leave me alone._ He snapped his lips shut tight as Kai walked out the door.

“Oh, good morning, sweetheart,” his mother chimed, arranging the synthetic flowers in the glass vase on the side table as soon as Jongin robotically wobbled into the living room. “Did you sleep well?” she abandoned the flowers to grab the car keys.

Jongin’s eyes darted to Kai who was on the couch with his eyes and attention glued to the TV screen. He was watching an overdramatic soap opera. Jongin almost scoffed and laughed, but then he realized his mother was waiting for a response. “Uh… yeah.” He looked to Kai again, biting his lip. Kai had not told anyone about his meltdown last night. There was no explanation why Jongin was able to wake up almost completely numb again. Numbness was normal now. It was better than the wave of emotions he suffered from last night. He was not sure if he will undergo another episode, but he surely hoped Kai would be around if ever did again.

“I’m going out to get some errands run. I made pancakes. Would you like some, honey?”

“Where’s Dad, Mom?” he inquired nonchalantly, dragging his feet mechanically to the couch.

“Work. He had to go in early today,” she sighed, picking at the daisies. “He said there’s some complication with LifeReal.”

“Oh. What is it about?”

“Nothing we should worry about,” she looked back and smiled. “I’ll get you pancakes.”

“Uh, no. It’s okay. I’m not hungry. You go along.”

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah.”

Then, humming a familiar tune, she stormed out of the penthouse. Biting his lip again, Jongin silently sank to sit on the couch and that was when Kai jolted up to his feet.

“No, sit,” Jongin ordered and Kai stoically stared at him. “You don’t have to… sit on the floor.” He murmured and quickly turned his attention to the TV.

“Are you certain? I don’t want to aggravate you.”

“Just… sit,” He muttered and clenched his jaw as Kai took his seat back on the adjacent couch. He then pinned Kai a sidelong glance and noticed the subtle smirk on a corner of Kai’s lips as he watched the soap opera. “Quit grinning like an idiot.” He mumbled under his breath and Kai looked in his way again.

“I’m sorry to offend you. I am programmed to smile in accordance to the level of mirth. I was not grinning.”

“It’s a figure of speech.” Jongin spat, snatching the remote tablet from hovering coffee table.

“It’s a figure of speech… It’s a figure of speech,” Kai echoed in the exact tone colour and timbre as if he were practicing to sound like Jongin. Jongin blinked, nonplussed and slightly confounded. “What is figure of speech?”

Eyeing Kai with scepticism, Jongin scowled and shook his head before changing the channels. He waited for Kai to rebuke as a disapproval of Jongin changing his soap opera, but he didn’t. He deliberately jumped back to the soap opera before quickly changing it again to provoke Kai. Again the ALS-AI didn’t say anything. Clearing his throat, Jongin scrolled through the sports channels before deciding on the basketball game.

“You used to play basketball.” Kai stated the fact like a question and Jongin turned to glare at him again.

“How do you know?”

“I saw the photos, trophies and medals.” Jongin’s gaze travelled down Kai’s body. He was wearing one of Jongin’s old shirts and a pair of unfamiliar pants. Glancing away with a tug in his chest, Jongin changed the channel back to the soap opera and dropped the remote on the couch. Kai was once again completely enraptured and greatly pleased by the soap opera with two women yelling their heads off at each other over the same husband. His entire concentration was on the show and he watched it as if his life depended on it. Only after a long moment did Jongin realize he was staring at Kai.

“Why are you watching this?” Jongin asked, half appalled, half genuinely curious.

Kai faced him with a flat expression. “It is amazing!” he yapped. “José is married to both María and Francisca. Francisca is his first wife, but María is carrying a little human in her stomach. So Francisca hates her. José loves Francisca more. But now that María has his little baby, he can’t abandon her. Then this guy Antonio shows up and he says that he is María’s lover and the little human is theirs. Humans are so complicated.”

Jongin unconsciously stared at how excited Kai was when he wildly explained the most clichéd storyline. “You do realize the actors are humanoids, right?”

Kai blinked. “What?”

“God.” Jongin rolled his eyes and ran his fingers through his hair which was slightly longer than Kai’s—and he planned on keeping it that way. The last thing he wanted right now was to look exactly like Kai.

“They’re not humans?” Kai asked with a mechanical frown as if he were disappointed.

“Human actors only act in movies. These buffoons just do what they’re told and read the scripts.”

“Scripts?” he looked even more confused.

“Forget about it,” Jongin closed his eyes and titled his head back against the couch. He could bet that Kai was staring at him at least for a minute. He kept his eyes closed and arms crossed over his chest, but he listened and silently scoffed to the constant drama and arguments in the soap opera. He spaced out for a moment. Eventually a soft music began to play and Jongin cracked an eye open to see the dancing scene in the show. “What happened?” he blurted out without even thinking about it at first and almost immediately regretted it.

Kai smiled as if he had seen Christmas for the first time. “María went to dinner with Antonio and they’re…” he glanced back to the TV. “ _Dancing._ ” He said the word with doubt and scrutiny etched all over his tone.

“Why she go out with him when she has a child with José?” Jongin glowered at the TV screen.

“Why should she not?”

“Because it’s wrong.”

“What is wrong with that?”

Jongin shot him a look and realized he was talking to an Artificial Intelligence. “Shh. Just watch. Let’s see what happens.” He ignored Kai’s relentless stare and focused on the show. It was wrong. It was so wrong to move on when the other still loved her. Jongin felt a pang to his heart.

“Do you want to _dance_?”

With his heart plummeting to the pit of his stomach, Jongin turned his head to face Kai. Lips pursed, he took in Kai’s smug complacency. “What did you say?” the words spilled off his tongue in a whisper.

“Do you want to _dance_?” he repeated in the same monotone and stood up, extending a hand to Jongin. Gaping, Jongin wondered if Kai was just pulling his unusable leg.

“What are you asking?” he breathed out as his breath hitched, panting a little and dropped his lifeless gaze to Kai’s hand.

“Do you want to _dance_?”

“I can’t dance.”

“That is what María said.”

“You don’t know how to dance.”

“I have never danced. I want to know if I can.”

“I can’t dance. Do you see these?” he pointed at his legs. “They move forward, backward, left and right. They don’t dance.”

Kai turned around and glanced to the TV screen. “That is what dancing requires. Please?”

Licking his lips, Jongin swallowed. It was not as if he did not want to. He wanted to. He wanted to. He wanted… it. Ignoring Kai’s hand, he stood up on his own. “Only because I want to and not because you asked. Clear?”

“But I asked.”

“Shut up,” he clenched his jaw and scowled. “What now?”

Kai looked to the TV screen and Jongin wondered just about how long those two will be bloody dancing. Kai then stepped forward. “Can I touch you?”

“What?”

“Can I touch you?”

“Uh,” he scratched the back of his head, grimacing a little. “Yes… I guess.”

Smiling a little, Kai gently latched his hands to the sides of Jongin’s waist. That instant, Jongin felt a triggering heat surge through his body and warm up his cheeks. He fought the urge to swat Kai’s hands off his waist, then he realized Kai was just a robot. It would not matter much anyway. “You should put your arms around my neck.” Kai muttered steadily, closing the distance between them and Jongin froze with Kai’s chest almost pressing into his.

“Not so close,” he rasped and Kai retreated a little. “And I’m not woman.”

“I know.”

“So why should I put my arms around your neck?”

“Only women have to do that?” Kai blinked.

Swallowing, Jongin heaved a sigh. “Fine.” He raised his shaking hands to Kai’s shoulders. He gulped again, looking up to Kai’s dark eyes. He had perfect eyelashes. A shiver of raced down Jongin’s spine. He needed to back away right now. This was too close. But instead of forcing himself to pull away from Kai, he laced his fingers at Kai’s nape, holding his breath in. The music could lift Jongin if he weren’t so tensed with Kai’s heat radiating through his body.

“You can’t move?” Kai asked in a low whisper.

“I don’t— oh, my God!” he gasped when Kai lifted him from the floor and settled Jongin’s feet on top of his own.

“Now, you can move.” He smiled as he lifted his foot along with Jongin’s and slid to the right. Panting, Jongin gaped at Kai, standing on top of Kai’s feet.

“You’re mad,” He panted, tightly fisting Kai’s shirt at the shoulders. “This is not dancing.”

Kai’s hands slightly clutched the sides of Jongin’s waist, rendering Jongin breathless for a moment. He shifted to the left, jerking Jongin with him and Jongin silently gasped when his chest arched into Kai’s. “I don’t think this is how dance works.”

“Exactly. Let go of me,” he blurted out, unlocking his hands from Kai’s neck the same time Kai released his waist. That was when Jongin lost his stability with his feet still on Kai’s. He fell back, but caught Kai’s shirt by the chest and Kai grappled his waist with an arm, hauling him back up. This time, their chests collided hard and all air was knocked out Jongin’s lungs as he grabbed onto the back of Kai’s neck with his fingers clutching at Kai’s hair by the nape. “What the hell, why did you just let go of me?!”

“You told me to.”

“You—” he was cut off when the doorbell chimed. Flustered, Jongin carefully lifted his feet off Kai’s and stepped to the ground.

“I shall the get the door,” Kai muttered, looking quite dissatisfied with himself as he hurried to the door. Jongin cleared his throat and rubbed his forehead. “Hi. Can I help you?”

“Jongin? Oh, my God, Jongin!” a familiar voice screeched before the man lurched into the house and pounced onto Kai, crushing him in an aggressive embrace.

“Chanyeol?” Jongin exhaled, jaw-dropped and eyes bulging out.

Chanyeol’s eyes darted to Jongin over Kai’s shoulder and his jaw fell slacking. He pulled back from the embrace and gawked at Kai. “What the… You have a twin brother?!”

“Chanyeol, I’m Jongin,” Jongin rasped. “That’s a robot.” He did not miss the disappointed expression Kai shot in his way.


	7. Conscience of a Soul

He wore a puzzled expression, gnawing on his lower lip as his restless gaze aimlessly ricocheted off every item in the living room before nervously springing back to the glass walls behind the TV screen. The perplexity his mind was mazing in shone in his bewildered eyes when his fidgety look darted to Jongin’s legs and his lips parted a little before a soft, trembling breath spilled from his mouth. Jongin released and clasped his hands together again as he sat still, stuck in his couch as Chanyeol’s perplexity radiated unto him. “Um,” Chanyeol droned, tapping his feet restlessly on the floor as his knees vibrated anxiously. “I… I came by to visit you when you were in the sanatorium. You were in comatose.”

Jongin vaguely nodded and fixed his eyes on the flower vase on the coffee table. When he glanced to Chanyeol on the corner of his eyes, his former high school friend had his eyes fixated on the flower vase as well. The deprivation of words enhanced the discomfiture that stretched uneasily between them. It was not Chanyeol’s fault. Jongin had not prepared himself to face anyone else from his past just yet and Chanyeol showing up out of the blue was totally uncalled for. And to top it off, Chanyeol had no idea about Kai’s existence and Jongin’s disability.

“Sorry, I didn’t… drop by earlier,” Chanyeol uttered under his breath, still keeping his eyes on the flower vase and the fully bloomed sunflowers which were mocking Jongin with their brilliance and exhilaration. “I was away and it’s the second year in college. So—”

Jongin raised his hand and shook his head, cutting Chanyeol off. “It’s okay. You don’t have to do that. I wasn’t expecting any excuse. Just as how I wasn’t expecting anyone to come visiting me because you’re not obligated to do that. Don’t feel burdened.”

Chanyeol fell silent for a moment before a snicker emitted from him. “You’re just the same. Blatant and frank as ever.”

“Not the same, Chanyeol,” Jongin exhaled with a hint of exasperation in his breath. “Nowhere near the same.”

His lip curled between his teeth as he fell silent again.

Jongin swallowed and stubbornly stared at Chanyeol as if to pin all the blame on him. What blame was there to pin on him? Jongin felt absurd that instant. He cannot point fingers at people who played no role in his ill fate. Perhaps he was just envious of his friend who was pursuing his dreams, who was not held back by the ghosts of his past.

“I had no idea you were…” he trailed off, peering down to Jongin’s legs.

“I didn’t either until I woke up.” he shrugged casually, but he felt a blow to his chest. Chanyeol flashed a stifled smile and heaved a sigh.

“Well, you’ve got nothing to worry about, right? Your Dad’s like one of the richest men in this country.”

Jongin mirrored Chanyeol’s grin, only with a touch of irony and sarcasm. “Even one of the richest men in this country could not fix my legs because it might fuck up my spine further. I could get a plastic set for my lower body, but I think I’d still like to feel myself take a piss.”

That cracked a nervous laugh out of Chanyeol. “I honestly think this is a better option than to be half robot.” he said, subtly pointing to the walking aid that was clutching Jongin’s legs.

“So you see my point.” Jongin muttered silently and averted his gaze. It was becoming harder to maintain composure. His heart was hammering in his chest as his blood curdled and stomach knotted. The sickly gurgling of acid in the pit of his stomach suffocated him. Slowly, despair crept up his spine. He definitely envied Chanyeol. The familiar despair that Jongin felt in the tips of his numb fingers was strange. Surely Chanyeol must have achieved a great deal in his life. Well, he hadn’t killed a person. And he was not a damaged good. He was not a burden to his family. He was not replaced by synthetic robot. The despair clutched Jongin’s heart real tight and crushed it into pieces. Jongin knew in moments, he will be gulped, devoured by the brutal depths of darkness that would drown him in his unworthiness.

“Do you remember Walt? He got married the other week,” Chanyeol snorted, snapping Jongin back to the painfully bright reality. “Guess who his wife is.”

Jongin stared at him silently.

“Tiffany!” he yapped and laughed by himself. “No one would have thought, right? That nerd and the hottest cheerleader in school. She used to have a thing for you and we all used to be crazy jealous of you, remember?”

Jongin clenched his jaw and fists on his lap. “Used to.” He murmured to himself and lowered his head.

“Oh, hey,” he breathed out. “I mean, come on, Jongin. You were just this rich kid, basketball champion, the school council president. You dated the hottest chicks—”

“Before I went out with Sehun, Chanyeol. Stop it.” he spat and turned his face away. His hands were beginning to shake as his heart palpitated.

“Okay,” he sighed. “I just… miss you a lot, man. We all do.”

“Sure.”

“Jongin—” he stopped himself when Kai re-entered the living room with a tray. Jongin blankly stared at him as he lowered the tray to the coffee table.

“I made you fresh orange juice.” His voice was static as always as he faced Chanyeol with a plastic smile.

“Oh,” Chanyeol looked flustered for a moment. Then he returned Kai’s smile. “Thanks.”

Kai stood there as if he were waiting for a tip like a waiter in cheap restaurants.

“So your parents got themselves an ALS-AI, huh?” Chanyeol remarked, taking a sip of the orange juice. “Must be pretty handy. Can you sing?” he asked Kai. “I mean, the ALS-AI my neighbour has sings all the time and that’s like the only proper thing it could do.” He laughed and Jongin stared at him.

“Singing is not part of my calibres.” Kai answered friendlily.

“Oh, damn it,” Chanyeol faked a sigh. “I envy you, Jongin.” Jongin blinked and almost gaped at him.

“Envy… _me_?”

“Yeah. I mean, you got your personal ALS-AI to toy with. It must be hilarious dragging this robot around with you.”

“I am not robot, Mr Chanyeol.” Kai said, still in a cordial tone.

“This is very impressive. It sounds and looks everything like you.”

Kai looked to Jongin. “Can you leave us alone? No one asked you for an orange juice.” Jongin snapped at Kai.

“It is on my protocol to serve sudden house guests fruit juices according to their preferences. Do you have a preference, Mr Chanyeol?”

“This is a dumb one, isn’t it?” Chanyeol chuckled.

“Leave.” Jongin mumbled, clenching his eyes shut and grinding his jaw.

Kai nodded and began to walk away.

“No, not you. Chanyeol, please leave. I’m sorry. You should have called. I’m not in the… I mean I can’t. Not right now.”

“Oh. Uh…” Chanyeol stuttered and shot to his feet at once. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t worry about it.” He let out, glancing to the skyscrapers looming behind the glass walls.

The door slid open just when Chanyeol picked up his coat. Jongin’s mother sauntered into the house with a bag of groceries in her arm. “Chanyeol?” she gasped and sloppily settled the groceries on the table. “Oh, my god. What are you doing here?”

“Hey, Mrs Kim,” Chanyeol greeted her with a brief bow and turned to Jongin who was still seated on the couch. “I was just leaving.”

“Oh, no. Stay for lunch,” she offered, hurrying to Chanyeol’s side. “It’s been a long time. Jongin, isn’t this wonderful?” she beamed from ear to ear before her zesty smile faltered upon acknowledging Jongin’s sombre glare.

“Maybe next time, Mrs Kim.” Chanyeol bowed again and politely brushed past Jongin’s mother.

“Are you sure?” she asked, her voice no longer as excited.

“Yes, he is, Mom.” Jongin spat and his mother cast him a dejected look.

“It was nice seeing you, Mrs Kim. I’ll drop by some other time, Jongin.” Chanyeol blurted out before he let himself out. Kai hurried to the door to have it locked and stood his ground there for a moment as Jongin’s mother sank to sit next to her son. She laid one of her dainty hands on Jongin’s shoulder and the other on his knee.

“He came to see you,” she said in a very low, soothing voice. Jongin did not have to look at her to know that she was smiling her comforting smile. “You… Jongin, what happened?”

“It wasn’t just you and Dad who thought I wouldn’t make it, Mom,” Jongin let her hands slide off him as he slowly rose to his feet. “I did, too. And so did Chanyeol and everyone else.”

“Jongin,” she frowned. “Your father and I never thought that.”

“Oh. That’s why you built yourselves a toy that looks just like me, huh.” he lashed out.

“Jongin, please. We told you a thousand times. We were not replacing you!”

“Do you know how it feels, Mom? It feels like I’m dead all over again.” with that, he mechanically turned around and dragged his stupid legs toward the hallway of his room.

“Jongin!”

He only shook his head in response. Every moment that he dawdled, it was becoming harder for him to breathe. As soon as he was in the protection of his dark room, he slammed the door shut and slumped himself against it, sobbing for air. He wasn’t fair to Chanyeol. After all, he was probably one of the thoughtful people who still remembered Jongin. But it was difficult. Too difficult. He could not explain why he was letting himself suffer this way. But there was no remedy, no panacea. He could either fight this incurable difficulty or he could just let it eat him alive. Right now, Jongin did not have the strength to fight.

 

 

 

It was like the bleakness of space—Jongin’s heart. He didn’t know how many hours had passed or if it were dark behind the shutters of his room. He sat there with his back leaned against the headboard of his cold bed and stared at his empty wall. Then there was a knock on the door which he didn’t respond to.

“Jongin?” a breezy voice called him when the door cracked open, pouring in some light from the hallway. Jongin lifted his head and faced his father who entered before he turned the dim blue lamp on. “Not hungry, son?”

Jongin shook his head, pursing his lips harder. Exhaling an exhausted sigh, his father took his seat on the edge of the bed and brought a hand to one of Jongin’s bony legs.

“Your mother’s worried sick about you, you know?” he muttered, smiling miserably. “I am, too. We were… wondering if you are… willing to meet this friend of mine. He’s a doctor. A psychiatrist.”

Jongin sniggered humourlessly and smirked at his father. “A shrink, Dad? You think I’m crazy?”

“Jongin,” his father’s expression turned grave. “You know that we don’t think you’re crazy. But seeking out for a little help could not be a bad thing. We love you, son. And we want you to have a perfectly normal life.”

“A perfectly normal life,” Jongin echoed and tilted his head back on the headboard again, smirking with smug complacency as he stared at the ceiling. “What part of this is a perfectly normal life, Dad?”

His father kept mum for a long minute before he said, “Your mother told me that you feel… that you don’t want Kai around.”

Jongin lowered his head and met his father’s weathered eyes.

“We’re returning him tomorrow.” His father stated with a hint of uncertainty in his voice.

“What?”

“We have decided to dissolve him.”

“No,” Jongin rasped. “What? I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“Jongin, you wanted that.” His eyebrows rose in surprise.

“He annoys me, yes. I don’t want him to come near me or talk to me. I don’t…” he trailed off with a lump choking him. What was he doing and what was that sudden tug in his heart? He wanted Kai to be gone, yes. But not _dissolved._ “Just… don’t. He can stay. It’s not like he’s the reason I’m… like this.”

“Son, give him a chance,” the words echoed in Jongin’s head. “We made a mistake. But your mother and I can’t… punish him for it. The biggest mistake humankind ever did was give Artificial Intelligence the means to feel emotions. He may be hardwired to feel particular emotions based on pre-programmed happenings, but, Jongin, he will be the most loyal friend you will ever have. Trust me, son.”

Jongin, tight-lipped, remained quiet. He wanted to believe his father and take comfort in his words. But it would erase the fact that Kai was an upgraded version of himself and was purely synthetic. It would be unnatural to feel anything for Kai.

“Do you want me to get you a sandwich?” his father offered as he rose from the bed with a satisfied grin plastered to his face. Jongin was nowhere near hungry, even his stomach had stopped growling hours ago. But he forced a smile and nodded.

He was left alone again. This time, with a little shade of blue in the corner. Chanyeol’s visit yanked back a lot of memories. Too many painful memories that Jongin wished had died with his legs. Brief flashes of him lying on Sehun’s lap as Sehun stroked his hair, kissing Sehun under the bleachers after a baseball game, letting Sehun sleep on his chest in this very bed, all ripped Jongin’s soul little by little. There was no redemption. All was lost.

The door was knocked on again. Jongin did not respond for a moment and there was no sound from the other end of the door either. Then rolling his eyes, Jongin called out, “Come in.”

As expected, Kai slid the door open and stepped in with a plate in his hand. “Mother asked me to give you this.” He settled the plate of sandwich on the bedside table and spun around immediately to leave.

“Wait,” Jongin rasped and Kai halted, but kept his back facing him. “I’m… sorry about earlier. I didn’t mean to… call you a robot.”

“Humans don’t mean a lot of things. But they do lie, they do cheat on their partners, they hurt each other, both physically and mentally, they endorse all sorts of corruption to save themselves from harm. I understood that, Jongin. So do not apologize. I know that you did not mean it.”

Jongin felt his heart clench and he sat up straighter. “Not all humans, Kai.” He whispered.

Kai turned around and faced him. “Mr Chanyeol is your friend. Before him, you did not wish to be embarrassed. I understood.”

“That’s not why—”

“I am not a robot. I would appreciate if you refer to me as what I really am. Product Name KAI 6621. Model ALS6621. Serial Number 7267014-B64-1982. Date of Manufacture 23042072 Date of Expiration 23042092. Branches of Calibre Amity, Protection, Loyalty & Basic ALS-AI Skills.”

Jongin smiled despite himself. “Kai.” He said and Kai’s eyes were sheened with artificial bafflement.

“You said my name.”

“If you could find it in your heart to forgive me, I will refer to you as Kai from now on.” He held a hand out and Kai stared it in disbelief.

“Humans lie.” He stated firmly and Jongin bit his lip.

“I’m not lying. Shake my hand.”

Kai hesitated for a moment and Jongin wondered what made him hesitant.

“I thought you wanted to be my friend.” Jongin muttered.

Then Kai dropped to his knees near the bed and took Jongin’s hand, curling his hand around Jongin’s thumb and pulled it to his chest. With his heartbeat pounding in his ears, Jongin held his breath. Kai’s chest was warm beneath the shirt he was wearing as he held Jongin’s hand close to it. “Promise?” he asked.

His mouth felt dry as he surveyed Kai’s honest expression on his naïve face. He was like a child. An innocent, clean, pure child in this corrupted world. “If you promise to be friends with this worthless me, then I’ll promise.” The best thing about talking to Kai was that Jongin needn’t use a filter.

“You are not worthless. Mother said that you are precious to her and father. You will be precious to me, too.”

Jongin smiled a half smile. “I want to believe that, Kai. But I’m impaired. Imperfect…. Ruined.”

Kai’s gaze followed his to the limp legs. “I read a book. There was a couple,” he began to narrate in a calm, soothing voice as if he were reading a child a bedtime story. He shifted his gaze to Jongin’s bloodshot eyes. “Jay and Rebecca. Jay had lost both his arms in the war. Rebecca had also lost both her arms. They met one day. They fell in love. They were really happy, but Rebecca said that the saddest part in their lives was that she can never walk hand-in-hand with Jay and for Jay, he can never wipe her tears away. They were still precious to each other.”

His sincere smile broke something within Jongin. And the hole allowed a little light into the darkness. “No one’s going to love me like that, Kai.” Jongin smiled despite the pain that he was struggling silently with and withdrew his hand from Kai.

Kai looked frustrated and troubled. Then he calmed down. With a blank expression, he laid his hand on Jongin’s leg. “I don’t know how to love like that, Jongin. But if you teach me… I will.” He said in a whisper as if to lull Jongin to sleep.

“Kai?!” a sharp calling surged from the hallway and Kai jolted up immediately. Without even wasting another second, he hurried to the door and shot Jongin one last smile before he closed the door behind him, completely oblivious to what he had done to Jongin’s heart.


	8. Dereliction

He could not bring himself to look at the pair of eyes that were staring at him, patiently _and_ impatiently waiting for a workable response. His eyes wandered, bounding of all six white walls of his blue room, trying to escape the foreign stare. The tips of his fingers felt numb, cold. His throat was dry. He wanted to speak. He wanted to let it all out. But he couldn’t. After a good stretch of silence, Jongin shifted in his bed and looked up at Dr Lawson who was seated in the round white chair with several feet distancing them.

“All right,” the doctor said calmly. “Let us start with something lighter. How would you like me to call you?”

“You know what? Don’t call me.” Jongin murmured, deliberately averting his gaze to the photo displayer on the bedside table. When he shot the doctor a brief glance, he stopped to glower at the doctor’s cocky smirk.

“We’ll go with Jongin, then,” he sighed, setting his paper-thin tablet aside and laced his fingers over one of the knees of his crossed legs. “You can call me Jay.”

Another set of silence followed and the doctor seemed as patient as ever, but Jongin knew he was impatient beneath that façade of forbearance. No one was sincere in this world. No good intention was genuine. This man too was wearing a mask. Jongin decided that he would not let this man bring his walls down.

“I’ve got all day, Jongin,” said the doctor, bolstering the subtle smile on his handsome face. “And I’m not going anywhere.”

Jongin scoffed, rolling his eyes. “You do realize I can, right?”

There was a curt bow of his head. “Of course. You’re allowed to leave.”

That sounded patronizing if not condescending. Clenching his jaw, Jongin peered at his hoverchair by the bed and glared back to the doctor. “This won’t help me.” he said firmly.

“Are you absolutely certain?” his voice was as cool as the blue splashed all over the room.

“What do you mean?” Jongin scowled.

“I mean,” he rearranged his weight in the chair. “How do you know this wouldn’t help?”

“I know how this works,” he spat. “You get me to talk, spill everything out and then label me as a psycho. Well, here’s the thing. I’ve got nothing to spill. My Dad thinks I need a shrink because I’m _sick_. Do I care if I’m sick? No. So, you’re wasting your time.”

Dr Lawson did not seem to be perturbed by Jongin’s harsh comments. His stoicism irked Jongin beyond reasonably extents. “Do you think you’re _sick,_ Jongin?”

Wincing, Jongin stared at the doctor. “I _don’t_ think I’m sick.” He spat through his grit teeth.

“Hm. But you just said so. You don’t care if you’re sick.”

“I didn’t say that.”

The doctor nodded his head and leaned back in his seat. “Then, why do you think your father thinks so?”

Jongin ground his teeth and swallowed. He stayed mum for a long moment, emptily staring into the young doctor’s face. He felt his own heartbeat at the back of his throat. He lowered his eyes and fixed his vacant gaze on the palms on his lap. “Because,” he stretched his brain, racking it to find the right words. “I’m… I’m not the… same person anymore,” he barely heard himself say. He doubted the doctor could have heard a word of it, but when he raised his gaze, Dr Lawson gently nodded his head, encouraging Jongin to continue. So he did. “I’ve… changed.”

“Why is it so? Is it because of your disability to walk?”

Jongin shook his head, casting his eyes low again. “That and also… I’m not the same person anymore,” he repeated, but in a slightly louder voice. “That guy is long dead.”

“Which guy, Jongin?”

Jongin watched his palms curl into fists. “The guy that everyone else wants to be,” he closed his eyes. “The guy that was ambitious with a bright future in store for him. He was a star. The guy who had everything.”

“What happened to that guy?”

“Like I said. He died,” He flashed his eyes open and met the doctor’s languid expression. “And was replaced by a robot.”

“Jongin, how do you feel about that?”

“Angry. Helpless. Tired.” The words just spilled from his mouth as if he couldn’t help it.

“Hmm,” the doctor droned and crossed his arms over his chest. “Tell me more about _this_ guy.” He pointed at Jongin.

Jongin licked his lips. _He’s weak. Useless to everyone. Worthless. Crestfallen. He wants to die._ Jongin couldn’t bring himself to say any of it. “He’s… guilty.”

The doctor nodded. “Because of the accident? Is he guilty because of his friend’s death?”

Jongin’s heart jumped inside his chest. He fell as silent as a grave. A very long moment of silence passed between them.

“All right, Jongin,” the doctor said after a while. “Let’s talk about the other guy again. What was so special about him?”

“He was just… he was loved. He had so many people around him—people who loved him.”

“And do you think no one loves you now?”

“No, it’s not like that. I just… I know that everybody has moved onto something that will bring them closer to achieve their dreams. Some moved on and had forgotten. I’m living in the past, unable to move on from two years back. I lost it. I lost him. I lost everything. I no longer see my parents smile at me effortlessly. They’re forcing themselves to smile for me. But he… he used to make them smile all the time,” Jongin’s mind was unconsciously cast to Kai. “Just like _he_ does now.”

“ _He?”_

Jongin clenched his eyes and tilted his head back on the headboard.

“Okay, Jongin. That’s quite enough for today. I will come again this Friday.”

He heard the door slide open before it shut close again. Then there was a string of murmurs on the other end of the door.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Okay, ask me another one.”

Jongin paused in the kitchen’s doorway and peered at the clock display on the wall. 08:21 a.m. He felt his stomach knot. His mother was on her feet while Kai was perched on the kitchen counter’s stool as they busily peeled mandarin oranges. Kai was holding onto a toothy grin with his eyes fixed on Jongin’s mother as his hands effectively peeled the fruits. He carefully settled an orange in the bowl on the counter.

“Okay. I have five letters and people eat me. When you remove my first letter I become a crime. Remove my first two letters and I am an animal. If you remove my first and last letters I’m a form of music. What am I?”

“Kai! That is impossible!” she yapped, letting out a hearty chuckle. “That is not fair. I’m an old woman.”

“Sorry, mother,” he frowned as his smile instantly faltered. “I did not mean to offend you. But why are you smiling if I have offended you, mother?”

“Oh, no, sweetheart,” she tossed a peeled orange into the bowl and patted Kai’s hand. “I was just… joking. Okay, honestly I don’t know the answer to that.”

“It’s—”

“Grape.” Jongin silently answered and sauntered to the kitchen counter before taking his seat on the stool beside Kai. He knew his mother and Kai were staring at him, but Jongin ignored them and casually grabbed a mandarin orange.

His mother made an approving humming noise as a smile crept back to her lips. “Is that… the answer, Kai?”

Kai vigorously nodded his head with something like excitement as if he were proud of Jongin. “It is. It is.” When Jongin shot him a sidelong glance, Kai fell quiet and pretended to focus on peeling the orange which he had been doing so easily without looking at it even once before this.

“Would you like some breakfast, Jongin?” his mother asked as she wiped her hands with a cloth and turned around to face the stove. Jongin recalled all the times his mother had forced him to have breakfast before she allowed him to leave the house. But now everyone just wanted to do whatever that pleased him.

“Yeah, sure.” He placed the orange in the bowl and Kai politely handed him another one. Jongin eyed the orange in his hand and looked up at Kai who was smiling from ear to ear. When Jongin didn’t accept his orange as he kept staring, Kai’s smile died and he withdrew the orange before picking on it himself. Sighing, Jongin snatched the fruit from Kai’s hands and began to peel it. He could almost taste Kai’s ecstatic grin.

“Isn’t Dr Lawson charming? How did you feel talking to him yesterday?” asked his mother while plating the sandwiches.

Jongin heaved a sigh. “I don’t want to talk about it, Mom.” He tossed the orange into the bowl and realized that Kai was still peeling the same orange. He was deliberately picking on it as slowly as he could and Jongin arched an eyebrow.

“All right. Here,” She slid the plate to Jongin. “Eat,” Jongin noticed his mother’s eyes flying from Jongin to Kai and again from Kai to Jongin. “Um, Kai. Do you want anything?” Jongin didn’t know why his mother was even asking him.

“A kitten.”

Jongin spun his head more sharply than necessary and blankly blinked at Kai in surprise. “A kitten?” he snapped and Kai looked to him, mirroring Jongin’s surprise.

“Did I say something wrong?” he looked culpable.

“No, Kai,” his mother rasped. “A kitten? Why, Kai? Why would you want a kitten, darling?”

“I saw it on the TV, mother. A lot of kittens need home. They are orphans. Just like me,” he shrugged mechanically and carefully placed the orange in the bowl. “Maybe they will get a home just like I did. And loving parents. And a Jongin.” he muttered the last part out.

“Oh. Um… Well, sweetheart, if you want a cat, we can get a cat. Besides, I think it’ll be nice to have an addition to the family.”

“Another one, huh?” Jongin scoffed and his mother frowned at him. “Don’t worry. I’m good with it.”

“Really? That’s—” she was cut off by the chirping phone. She smiled at Jongin and clapped a hand to his shoulder before she wove her way out of the kitchen, deliberately ignoring the receiver in the kitchen.

“So, why do you want a kitten?” Jongin asked, facing Kai.

“I like it.”

“You… _like it?”_

“Yes,” He turned away and took hold of another orange. They sat there silent for a minute before Kai spoke again. “Do you… like them?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

A beat.

Jongin exhaled loudly. “What’s the orange for?”

“I don’t know. I did not ask.” He looked confused. Jongin averted his eyes and continued to peel the oranges. The entire time, he could feel Kai’s stare on him, although Kai kept peeling. Jongin swallowed as he tried his level best to keep his eyes on the oranges. “My hands are starting to sting.” He muttered and got off the stool without sparing Kai a look.

“That was your father,” his mother said as she entered the kitchen. Jongin rinsed his hands without making a reply and could still feel Kai’s stare on his back. “He’s going to be home late tonight as well,” She sighed tiredly. “I have to go get some milk for the pie.”

“I can go, mother.” Kai offered at once and rose to his feet.

“Really? That’ll be wonderful. Thanks, sweetie,” she paused for a second as Jongin stuck his hands into the drying machine. “Um, Jongin. Why don’t you go along with Kai? It’s just the grocery store down the apartment. It’ll be nice to catch some fresh air.”

Jongin did not need any fresher air than the ventilation in the penthouse can provide. He shook his head. Then his mother walked up to him, cornered him and whispered, “Please, Jongin. Do this for me? You cannot be cooped up in the house forever. Baby steps. And… I’m scared that he might go looking for a cat and bring it home. He’s been eager to go out alone for days now and neither your father nor I allowed him.”

Jongin shot Kai a look. He was staring at them expressionlessly with a peeled orange in his hand.


	9. Heartwarming

Stepping out of the safety of his house—his protective little shell—was daunting beyond belief. But the empty and hollow hallway to the elevator assured Jongin that no soul roamed the top floor other than his own. Speaking of soul, he glanced to Kai who accompanied him to the elevator and wondered if he had a soul. What was the definition of _soul_? It was a spiritual essence embodied in a living and breathing human beings. Kai was not a human being. But he was living and he was breathing. He was not exactly an inanimate, soulless object either. Kai was the definition for the fine distinction between human and object. Prior to this, Jongin only perceived Artificial Intelligence like him as robotic beings with artificial embodiment and unnatural personification. But now, he was not so sure. He had never given this much thought and introspection regarding an AI. Everything had changed. Kai was often the subject of Jongin’s reveries these days. “Why do you want a kitten?” And come on. Tell me the truth.” Jongin asked when they reached the elevator. Kai was kind enough to wave his hand over the scanner so that Jongin would not have to take extra steps to reach it. He pursed his lips, avoiding Jongin’s gaze at all costs. The more he shied away, the more Jongin tried to catch his eyes.

“I was telling you the truth. I do not lie.” Kai muttered after a while as if he were programmed to respond quietly when he was uncertain or hesitant.

“Okay. But an animal’s cuteness can barely be the pivotal factor of someone wanting to pet it so badly,” Jongin snorted and entered the elevator when it opened. Kai held it open until Jongin managed to get in, dragging his legs with the help of the walking aid. “What’s the other reason?” he pressed and heard Kai let out a fake sigh.

“Ground floor,” he commanded the elevator. “All right. I want it because it is on my bucket list.”

Jongin was stumped for a moment as he blinked at Kai, arching his eyebrows. “ _Bucket list?_ What?”

“It is a list of achievements I wish to accomplish before—”

“I know what a bucket list is,” he spat and fell silent when the elevator opened. Licking his lips, he stuck his head out and scanned the lobby. It was deserted. Sucking in a shaky breath, Jongin pulled himself out of the elevator. “Why would you… have a bucket list?” he asked once Kai had exited the elevator.

“I discovered it about a month ago. I liked it. I want to do it. There are little things I want to do in the twenty years of my life. So, I listed them down.” he stated, proudly with a reassuring smile on his face. Jongin swallowed, staring into Kai’s perfectly symmetrical face and his two pools of deep, dark, and innocent eyes. Everything Kai said and looked at was pure. _He_ was pure. Jongin was beginning to accept that. His gaze climbed to Kai’s untouched, neat hair. It was crazy neat that Jongin wanted to card his fingers through it before dragging them down the unblemished, smooth skin of Kai’s face.

“Can I… see this bucket list of yours?” Jongin asked in a very low voice and glanced around to see if he had caught any unwanted attention.

Kai’s eyes widened as if Jongin had said something preposterous. “Do you really want to?” he half gasped and Jongin gulped. “Do you want to see my bucket list? I did it. You really want to see it?”

“Yes. I got that. Yeah, I wanna see it.”

That instant, the Cheshire grin that swept across Kai’s face threw Jongin off a little. He was not expecting that much joy from him just because he agreed to take a look at his stuff. “Okay! Let’s get the milk and—”

“You know what. Why don’t you go and get it? I’ll wait right here.”

Kai looked confused for a second. “You will wait right here?”

“Yeah.”

“Why? Don’t you want to come? They sell little colourful beans. I like to look at them when mother brings me there. Oh! There are also long straws. You can touch them.”

Jongin shook his head. “No, I’m good. You go ahead.”

“Are you sure? You don’t want to see them?”

“I’ve seen them before, Kai. Many a time. I’ll just,” he leaned against the metal frame of the elevator. “Wait here.”

Kai bowed his head once before he hurried away towards the convenience store on the other side of the building. Sighing, Jongin tilted his head back on the wall and closed his eyes for a beat. Every minute he was left alone his mind was cast back to the beautiful memories he wanted to forget now. He did not have enough fingers to count the times he had pushed Sehun against the elevator wall. “I got you some!” Kai’s screeching voice snapped him back to reality and his eyes flashed open.

“Whoa, you’re fast.” He glanced down at the jellybeans Kai was cupping in his right hand while the left was holding onto a carton of lactose-free milk.

“I did not want to keep you waiting for long.” Kai flashed a toothy smile. Jongin bit his lip and held his hand out, palm up. Kai dropped the jellybeans into his hand before he climbed into the elevator. He waited for Jongin to step in before he commanded the elevator to take them to the top floor. Leaning against the wall of the elevator, Jongin popped a red jellybean into his mouth. He could not recall the last time he had one of these. “Oh, my God.” Kai rasped and Jongin looked to him with his eyes bulging out.

“What?!”

“You… ate it.”

“So?” he exhaled exasperatedly and tossed another into his mouth. Kai gaped at him like Jongin was eating a goat alive.

“I did not know it was edible.” He murmured disappointedly and lowered his head as if he were ashamed of himself. “I thought they were things used to adorn women’s clothes. So pretty. Mother said I cannot have them.”

“Women’s clothes?”

“Nooo,” he whined. “The tiny beads.” He pointed to the jellybeans in Jongin’s hand.

Jongin subtly smiled despite himself. “Thanks. For getting me these.”

Kai looked at him with eyes full of undeniable gratification. “You are welcome, Jongin.”

When they got back, Jongin’s mother pounced on them. “Jongin, how did it go?” she gasped.

That was when Jongin realized it had not gone as bad as he had initially thought it would. In fact, he barely focused on anything other than Kai. Rubbing the back of his neck, he stuttered, “It… it… w-went okay? I mean it was just… an elevator ride basically.”

“That’s amazing,” his mother chimed and took the milk carton from Kai’s hand. “Like I said, baby steps, Jongin.”

Letting out a heavy breath, Jongin started towards his room. “I need to get out of these. It’s killing me.” he sighed.

“Okay. I’ll make some scrambled egg for you.”

Upon reaching his room, he dropped to the bed and unlatched the walking aid from his legs and took them off. When he raised his head, he saw Kai silently standing by the door. “You can come in if you want to.” He muttered, setting the walking aid aside.

“Do you… want to see my bucket list?” Kai asked.

“Oh. Yeah. Yeah. Hold on,” Jongin extended an arm and grabbed the armrest of the hoverchair before hauling it close. Once he was settled in it, he steered it towards Kai. “Lead the way.”

Kai nodded his head before he led Jongin to his bedroom on the other side of the penthouse. It used to be a guest room, Jongin recalled. Everything in Kai’s room was white except the floorboards. It bleached Jongin’s vision for a moment. There was not a single thing out of order.

“Well, that’s a son any parent would love.” Jongin scoffed as Kai hurried to his shiny white desk and pulled out a white paper tablet. He took his seat on the chair by the desk and faced Jongin who slid the hoverchair to his side.

“Look,” he held the paper out to Jongin. He scrolled and clicked on the stiff sheet of paper while Jongin held it. “I have exactly 140 things on my list!”

“Wow. That’s quite a number for a bucket list.” He let out a dry chuckle and looked up at Kai’s eager eyes. Did he have a soul? Jongin found himself swimming in that unstained gaze. Kai’s parted lips were just as pure. And right now, they were excited, slurring words of exhilaration.

“Kitten is my number 122. I only recently wanted one. My number one is tossing a grape out the window. I already did it. I told mother about it after that. She did not get mad. Oh! I also asked father to buy me a keychain. It was so unique. I have it here!” he spun around and grabbed a silver, pointy keychain from the shelf. “Touch it. It’s always cold.” He pressed the keychain to Jongin’s hand. “Do you want to see my clothes? I have a shampoo that smells like lavender. I never smelled an actual lavender before. It is also on my bucket list. Number 41.” He said right off the bat and jumped to his feet before he vamoosed into the bathroom and returned with a shampoo bottle.

Jongin gnawed on the insides of his cheeks. Now he understood why Kai was so excited to show him his bucket list. He was not excited to show him the list. He was excited to show Jongin _anything._ “I don’t want to smell it.” Jongin flinched away from the bottle when Kai shoved it up his face.

“Oh, okay.” He ran back into the bathroom and returned empty-handed.

Jongin scrolled through his list and laughed a little. “You want to go to a zoo?”

“Yes.”

“And see the tiger.” Jongin laughed louder at the wish before that one. “And feed the penguins! Are you an animal lover or something?”

“I love animals.” Kai admitted as he sank back into his seat.

“Well, I certainly am not. I had a goldfish once. I don’t know what happened to it. One day I came home from basketball practice and it was just gone.”

“Just gone? Where could it have gone? Fishes don’t have legs.”

“They don’t. But I really don’t know where it went.”

“You are not very responsible.” Kai scowled a little.

Jongin pursed his lips, stifling a laugh. “I was the most irresponsible kid anybody could know. Look at where that got me.”

There was a silence. Kai fixed his eyes on his notes as Jongin fixed his on him. “Do you have a bucket list, Jongin?” he asked after a while and looked into Jongin’s eyes.

“Um,” Jongin settled the paper on the desk and hesitantly shrugged, scratching the back of his head. “I guess I used to have one. Well, I can’t do most of them now.”

“Like what?”

“Well… stuff like… skydiving.”

“What is skydiving?”

“It’s nothing,” he shook his head and averted his gaze. “You have almost twenty years to do all these,” he pointed at the paper. “You can make it happen. I’ll probably be an old grandpa by then.”

Kai fell dead silent as he scrolled through his list before he rested his chin on the desk. When the moment had passed, he glanced to Jongin with an oddly dissatisfied look. “What is… Say-hoon?”

Jongin’s heart dropped to the deepest pit of his stomach before his stomach churned his heart out. “Wh-what did you… s-say?”

“What is Say-hoon?”

“How do you know—”

“I heard you say it many times when you are sleeping.”

“How would you know what I say when I’m sleeping?”

“Sometimes mother asks me to check on you at night.”

Jongin was not sure how he should react to that. But he did not harbour the strength to throw a tantrum at the moment. Another part of him shattered and fell into the depth of darkness. He closed his eyes for a minute, trying to regain his stolen breaths. “Sehun was my boyfriend.” The words rolled off his tongue before he opened his eyes. Kai raised his head from the desk and stared at Jongin, unblinking.

“Boyfriend.” He echoed.

“Yeah.” Jongin lowered his eyes to his palms on his lap.

“Boy friend or boyfriend?”

“Boyfriend. Lover. Best friend. Whatever you wanna call it.” he breathed out and turned the hoverchair to face the glass wall. Kai was going to ask him questions. _Who is he? Where is he now? Are you homosexual? Since when? Do you still love him?_ Jongin did not want to hear these questions, but he waited for them to hit him.

“So, did you kiss him?” was what Kai decided to ask—with a whole lot of emphasis on the word ‘kiss’. Jongin turned around and cocked a brow at Kai.

“What?” he grimaced.

Kai picked up the e-paper and held it up. “Kiss. It is also on my bucket list. Look. I have seen Emily and Carlton kiss. María and José. José and Francisca. Katy and Harold. George and Sky. Helena and Lea. Tarzan and Jane. Ariel and Eric. I have read that Jay and Rebecca kissed. Daren and Brady. Daisy and Gatsby. And so many more. I know it should be done between lovers. I know I will not have any lover. So, I suppose it’s almost as impossible as having a kitten. But,” he turned away, sliding the paper back in the shelf. “I can have some hope.” He sighed.

Jongin calmed his pounding heart as he watched Kai, memorizing every angle of him. He did resemble Jongin. But he was nothing like Jongin. “Hey. You… Well, anything’s possible.”

Kai smiled. “Do you like me now, Jongin?” he asked mechanically.

It took Jongin some seconds to respond to that question. “I guess I don’t despise you anymore.”

“You laughed today. And smiled a lot.” He stated and rose to his feet.


	10. Fiend and Foul

Waiting for no invitation at all, the brilliant rays of the sun streamed in like an ostentatious guest. Jongin blinked his lazy eyes, adjusting his bleached vision and welcomed the radiant light with an unexpected smile. He nuzzled into the softness of the pillow, clenching his eyes again. He was cocooned in the blankets and the warmth, for the first time in ages, comforted him. Stirring on the bed, he tucked himself tighter under the blankets. His mind was liberated. It was as if the dark walls that had held him captive for weeks had come down. Jongin knew it was about to be short-lived and very soon he will be falling back into the depths of despair. But right now, he wanted to let this unusual mild elation soak into his bones. He had no reason to feel relaxed. But he did feel incredibly loosened. He didn’t know why. Some days were good. Some days were bad. Jongin did not follow this general trend. Instead, most of his days were bad. But at least he had these seldom good days, which he greeted by waking up from pleasant dreams and not nightmares, to look forward to. He let himself be dragged into another sleep, but he was awakened shortly after when the door slid open. Jongin roused, drinking in the sweet aroma of the coffee and lazily turned his head to meet his mother walk in with a tray holding a mug of coffee and a plate of grilled cheese sandwich.

“Mom.” Jongin murmured and swallowed to wet his dry throat before dropping his head back into the pillow.

“Good morning, darling,” she said in the gentlest voice with a beautiful smile as she settled the tray on the bedside table. “Well, good afternoon actually.”

Jongin’s eyes hastily checked the time on the wall clock. “Oh, my god. It’s almost two o’clock?”

His mother took a seat on the edge of his bed and placed a hand on Jongin’s knee. “You didn’t come out of your room in the morning. I thought I’d just… check on you. Kai was certain that you were sleeping.”

Jongin grazed his teeth over his lower lip, wondering if Kai had come in and seen him sleep. “Did he… check on me, too?”

“No. He says you wouldn’t like that.”

“Well, he’s right. You can stop keeping a tab on me,” Jongin pulled himself upright to sit, leaning his back against the headboard and glanced to the coffee. “Is it… hazelnut?”

“Yes. Your favourite,” she beamed. “Extra spoons of sugar. Just the way you like it, although I’m still against all the sweet and sugar you consume.”

Jongin grabbed himself the mug and drew in the intoxicating aroma of the coffee. “I’ve got a sweet tooth.” Involuntarily, a smile stretched his lips and he took a sip of the coffee. The strong and sweet taste left a burn on the tip of his tongue. “Hm. That’s good.” He licked his lips and smiled up at him mother in appreciation.

“Now, that you’re awake, it’s a beautiful day out there. Why don’t you go and join Kai by the swimming pool?”

Jongin clenched his jaw and averted his gaze to the coffee in the mug. It had been difficult for the past couple of days to stay mad at Kai. He wanted to hate the AI. He didn’t want to be friends with him. But again and again, he found himself smiling whenever Kai was around, trying his level best to lift Jongin’s mood. “Mm. Yeah. Sure.” he swallowed another sip of the coffee and gazed out the window that was pouring the cascade of sunlight in.

 

 

* * *

 

 

His heart felt lighter when he stepped into the sun. His mother had been right. It was a beautiful day. He steered the hoverchair with one hand while the other was slipped through the mug’s handle, gripping the mug tight. The sun illuminated the ripples on surface of the pool and Jongin came to a halt when the cacophony of splashes of water reached his ears. The metallic smell of the chlorinated water stung his nose and Jongin gulped another sip of the coffee, staring at Kai kick off the edge of the pool, gracefully and powerfully stroking across the pool. He swam like a professional, no, he _was_ a professional. Jongin took a swig of the coffee with his eyebrows furrowed at the brightness as he watched Kai swim. Kai’s lean, robust built allowed him to glide in the water fluently elegant that it could take anyone’s breath away. But not Jongin’s. Kai was built with all this mechanical prowess. It was not impressing. Not one bit. He would not be a better swimmer than Jongin if he was not an AI. Jongin snorted and sipped his coffee.

As soon as he had noticed Jongin’s presence, Kai stopped and grinned from ear to ear before he climbed out of the pool. Jongin pursed his smiling lips and watched Kai push his wet hair back as the water rivulets ran down his toned chest and perfectly chiselled abs. Jongin snorted again. “Did you just wake up, Jongin?” Kai inquired, walking over to him.

“Um, yeah,” Jongin shrugged and pulled his gaze away from Kai’s bronze body. It looked like the body Jongin carried now. Kai resembled Jongin. But he looked nothing like Jongin. He was the definition of perfection, mankind’s most perfect creation. Jongin… well, Jongin was just collateral damage. “You swim.”

“You swim.” Kai echoed with a benign smile.

“Used to, obviously.” Jongin settled the mug on the table beside the pool chair.

“Do you want to join?” he offered with eyes full of hope and Jongin arched an eyebrow at him.

“Uh… Nah. I just showered. You… go ahead. Plus, swimming and floating require functional legs. My legs are as functional as French beans.” He smirked, but Kai apparently did not find it amusing.

“If you set your heart to something, nothing can be impossible, Jongin.”

Jongin laughed despite himself. “Which Spanish soap opera or sappy romantic novel did you learn that from?”

“Love Is Endless. TV series.” Kai admitted and Jongin shook his head.

“That’s what I’m talking about,” he scoffed. “Anyway, I’m good. You go on.” He jerked his chin to the pool and Kai glanced around as if he was in confusion.

“Father said that sometimes we should force you to participate so that you will not be isolated. So… I’m sorry, Jongin, in case you do not like this.”

Jongin blinked. “Huh? Like wha—What the hell are you doing?!” his heart almost jumped out of him when Kai lifted him off the hoverchair. “Put me down, you’re gonna drop me!” he gasped as he desperately clung onto Kai’s neck as Kai carried him to the pool. “You’ll drop me!”

“I will not drop you.” Kai grunted, trying to hold onto Jongin when the latter aggressively retaliated. “You need to stop moving otherwise I will drop you, Jongin.”

“Oh, my god.” Jongin tightened his arms around Kai’s damp neck as his shirt soaked the beads of water from Kai’s body. “I don’t want to get into the water!”

“Forgive me, but father—”

“I don’t care what father said! Mom! Oh, my god.” Jongin began to climb Kai, clinging harder at his neck as Kai descended into the pool. His back and butt touched the biting water first. “You’re so gonna pay for this.”

Kai was grinning. Wild. Savage. It almost seemed like he was happy of doing something rebellious at the expense of Jongin’s irritation. “Should I drop you?”

“No!” Jongin was not afraid of drowning. But he was sure that Kai was not human enough to be trusted. Kai laughed and Jongin loured at him. “A-are you… _enjoying_ this?”

“I am.” He answered honestly as he was supposed to. “I will not drop you, don’t worry, Jongin. I’m just going to let you stand.”

Jongin let out a set of dry chuckles and scowled at Kai again. “In case you haven’t got the memo, I _can’t_ stand.”

Kai did not budge. He arm that was curled under the back of Jongin’s knees slowly withdrew and Jongin fought the urge to call for help. He wondered if his mother was actually watching them from the kitchen. There was a high possibility that she might have even asked Kai do this. “Relax.” Kai whispered and his breath grazed Jongin’s cheek. “I’m going to hold you.” He lowered Jongin legs into the water. Jongin’s body suddenly felt limp in Kai’s arms as he stared into Kai’s brown eyes. That instant, he realized he did trust Kai. His heartbeat calmed as his legs drowned.

With half of his body submerged, Jongin looked around him and tried to see if his feet were touching the floor of the pool. He could not feel it and he could not see it. But Kai was standing, so Jongin must be standing too. His heart was suddenly at his throat. For the first time after the accident, he was standing without any walking aid. Jongin averted his gaze and looked into Kai’s smiling eyes again. He looked satisfied. Only then did it occur to Jongin that Kai had his arms protectively wrapped around Jongin’s waist with his palms pressed to Jongin’s back. Jongin wanted to pull his arms away from Kai’s neck, but he was worried he might sink. This felt intimate. Too intimate. Most of Kai’s body was pressed against his own.

“Are you still scared, Jongin?” Kai asked in a very low voice, consistently looking into Jongin’s eyes. But Jongin’s gaze shifted to Kai’s pink, plush lips.

“I’m not scared.” Jongin scowled.

“Why is your heart beating so fast, then?”

Jongin sealed his lips when he realized his chest was pressed against Kai’s. He unlocked his hands from Kai’s neck and gently drew his hands down Kai’s collarbones, feeling the perfect built of Kai’s breastbones and pressed his palms to Kai’s chest. It felt like it had been a lifetime since Jongin had shared any intimacy with another human being. Kai was not a human being. Did he even feel anything that Jongin was feeling? Did any of this alarm him as it did for Jongin? Jongin closed his eyes for a very brief moment. Kai was holding up his entire weight, he was aware of it. “Are you… bored?” he asked, opening his eyes to face Kai again.

“No, I’m not. Why do you ask, Jongin?” he replied without any hint of a disturbed expression.

“You don’t have to pretend like you’re obligated to entertain me just because we live in the same house now. It is not your responsibility to make me happy or shit just because Mom and Dad want it.”

Kai’s face wilted, expressing palpable and scripted disappointment. “I do not do it for mother and father. I do it for you.”

“Why?” Jongin glared. “It’s not on your protocol to make _me_ happy.”

“I don’t know, Jongin. I don’t know why I want to see you happy. I don’t know why I want kittens. Sometimes, I don’t know why I want to do some things.” He blurted out and Jongin’s heart skipped a beat in terror when he apprehended the vexed edge in Kai’s tone. It almost sounded like he was angry. Kai, without any forewarning, lifted Jongin back up into his arms and started to climb out of the pool.

“What are you… doing?” Jongin asked calmly, holding onto Kai’s neck again. “Kai?” the name left a weird taste on his tongue.

“I apologize for making you uncomfortable. I won’t do it again.” he settled Jongin back in his hoverchair before he turned around to grab a towel to drape it over Jongin’s wet and exposed lap. As Kai walked past him and disappeared into the house, Jongin lowered his head and stared at his reddened palms.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“So, you have been experiencing some moods of elation. Are they followed by immediate successive dysphoric moods?” Dr Lawson inquired, crossing his legs. Jongin’s mind was cast back to Kai for nth time today. It was almost impossible to remove the images of Kai’s hopeful eyes from his mind. “Jongin?”

He looked up at his therapist and languidly blinked. “Yes. No. Not immediate. The… moods change frequently. But it usually takes a day or at least some hours.”

“All right. Do you experience these moods in solitude or do you have frequent shifts between depressive moods and happy moods when you’re among others?”

Jongin considered every one of the doctor’s words. He shook his head. “I don’t know. I didn’t notice.”

“Perhaps you feel a tendency for dejection when you’re in isolation?”

“I don’t know.”

“Okay, Jongin. Feeling happy is not a bad thing.”

“It isn’t.”

“Then why does it sound to me like you are disappointed to have been feeling happy once in a while?”

Jongin tightened his jaw as he glowered stubbornly at the doctor. “Because I know I’m not happy. It feels like these little episodes of happiness are superficial.”

“Is that so? Why do you think that they’re superficial?” he asked calmly.

Jongin pursed his lips and lightly shook his head. “I don’t know.”

“Jongin, do you perhaps have an idea of when you started feeling this shift in your moods?”

“I’m not sure.” he lowered his eyes.

“Is there a particular subject which might have been the incentive for the development?”

Jongin scoffed. Kai. Was Kai the incentive? He did not know and he sure as hell hoped he wasn’t. “What am I feeling, Doctor Lawson? If I’m recovering, why do I still feel like I’m drowning, suffocating in my sleep?”

“No one recovers from a traumatic experience on such short notice, Jongin. It takes a long stretch of time to mould the mind back into shape.”

Jongin smirked, smugly raising a brow. “So, are these symptoms of me recovering?”

“That really depends on what these symptoms are based on. If it is intrinsic, that is you are developing these benefiting emotions on your own without any external influence. That can be great sign of your mental recovery. But if you are basing your moods of elation on a specific subject, for instance it can range from the support you’re getting from your family or perhaps the drive for a prosperous future to trivial objects such as books or television, you will need to hold onto this subject for as long as you can to restore balance to your mental health. What I’m afraid of is that often should these subjects that keep your happy disappear or cease to exist or even fail to eventually hold your interest, you could fall into relapse.”

Jongin sat frozen for a minute, digesting the information that he had just received. Then swallowing, he looked up at the doctor again. “I guess then we should hope that the latter isn’t the case with me, huh?”

Doctor Lawson watched him wordlessly for a moment before a smile crept onto his face. “I suppose, Jongin.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Is Dad home yet?” Jongin asked as he sauntered into the hallway in his walking aid when he saw his mother exit the laundry room.

“Oh, no. He isn’t. He won’t be coming home tonight.” She smiled and stroked Jongin’s face as she walked past him. “Did you need something?”

“No, I was just going to watch some TV,” Jongin muttered, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s almost ten. Why is Dad working for such long hours?”

“You know your Dad,” she shrugged. “He apparently has some issues with the production of ALS-AIs and some debates have been going on. He’s trying to resolve that. Don’t worry, sweetie. I’m going to sleep. Are you sure you don’t want anything to eat?”

“No, Mom. Good night.”

“Good night, Jongin.” she tiptoed to peck on Jongin’s cheek before she vanished into her room. Jongin heaved a great sigh as he wove his way into the living room. His stomach flipped when he spotted Kai perched on the couch with his eyes intensely glued to the TV screen. Jongin wondered if he should go back to his room, but he decided against it. He dragged his dead legs to the couch on which Kai was sitting.

“Hi, Jongin.” Kai greeted with a genuine smile as Jongin took his seat beside him. Licking his lips, Jongin kept mum, idly fixing his eyes on the TV.

“Wh-what are we watching?” his voice was so low that he was not sure if Kai even heard it.

“Godfather.”

They sat in silence for minutes and Jongin didn’t dare himself to speak first. Only after some time did he open his mouth. “I… I was thinking about… making a bucket list.”

Kai turned his attention to Jongin at once. “That is nice to know.” He returned his attention to the TV. Jongin frowned. The silence stretched between them again. Jongin scanned Kai from head to toe.

Then looking away, Jongin drew in a long breath. “You asked me who Sehun was.”

“Yes, I did.” Kai faced him. “He is your boyfriend.”

“He _was_ my boyfriend.”

Kai was quiet for a very long moment without any response as if he did not know how to respond to that. “Yes. He _was_ your boyfriend.” He turned his eyes back to the TV.

“Aren’t you going to ask me where he is now?”

“I was not going to, Jongin. Why? Do you want me to?”

Jongin shook his head and lowered it. “I wish my life was as simple as yours. No. I wish it was as _good_ as yours. You don’t have to feel sad. You don’t have to feel depressed. All that you have to do is follow protocol.” He snorted.

“I wish I was you.” Kai’s confession baffled Jongin.

Jongin laughed a little. “You _are_ me.”

Kai smirked and shrugged, imitating human behaviour to express his complacency. “If I were you, they would have called me Jongin. They did not want me to be you. I understood something about humankind. Humans use each other for their own welfare. They lie. They cheat. They abandon those who trusted them. They are corrupted in many ways. They do not care about moral obligations. If they did, they never would have created me, given me emotions, only to be ordered and commanded on how I should exhibit them,” Kai’s smile made Jongin dizzy. “Nonetheless, I cannot help but yearn to be one of you.”

Jongin clasped his hands together and hung his head. “Yeah.” He sighed. “Well, trust me, you don’t want to.”

“You have the ability to achieve so much. You have the capability of compassion, of love. You can be happy when you see the rose bloom in your garden. You are afraid of death and you have fulfilled the utmost purpose of your existence at the birth of lives. Empathy, sympathy, love, sensitivity, humanity. I want to know what those feel like rather just understand their definitions.”

Jongin’s heart clenched and clamoured in his chest. His breath quickened a little as he kept his head hung.

“Not to mention you get to keep pets and kittens.” Kai turned the TV off. “I can learn anything. But father says that I don’t need to learn to love. I am already programmed to love and accept love.”

“That’s not the same kind of love, Kai.” Jongin met Kai’s glimmering eyes. “You don’t want to feel that kind of love. Take it from a guy who had seen the pitfalls of trusting someone to the extent where you’re willing to accept all the blame for him and destroy yourself, your life only to be left alone in the end. Like you said. Humans abandon those who trust them the most.” He growled, gritting his teeth.

Everything froze around him that instant when Kai reached for Jongin’s hand on the couch and gently laced their fingers together. Did Kai learn this from his clichéd TV shows too? It didn’t matter. Jongin was wrecked at that moment. Kai’s temperate warm palm was pressed into his dry cold one. “It is a good thing I’m not entirely human, then.”

Jongin withdrew his hand as if it were burned. “Kai.” He started breathlessly. “You need to stop. I can’t… I can’t have you be the subject of my happiness. I can’t afford that.”

“What do you mean, Jongin?” he asked, genuinely looking perplexed.

“Just stop.” He jolted up to his feet and Kai followed suit. “I can’t be your friend. I don’t want to be your friend.”

“Why not?” Kai’s face died and he looked miserable that second. “Is it… something I said? I’m sorry. I’m sorry I keep upsetting you.”

“No, no. You’re… doing the complete opposite of upsetting me and I can’t have it.”

“Jongin, I thought you like me now.”

Jongin grabbed and clutched Kai’s shirt by the chest. “Why would I, huh?! You’re overstepping your boundaries again and again. We’re not friends, you understand? You’re no better than a machine. You were built. You have an expiration date!”

“Don’t we all?” Kai blinked, flustered, but he did not retaliate physically.

Jongin’s fist tightened around his shirt. “It’s a torture. Having you around 24 fucking 7, caring for everyone! Why can’t you just hate me after how I’ve been treating you?!”

“I don’t know how to, Jongin. And even if I did, I will not hate you.” he yanked Jongin’s fist off his shirt, but didn’t release Jongin’s wrist. His grip was powerful and Jongin realized how much stronger Kai must be.

“Let go.” Jongin pulled his wrist free from Kai’s grip and turned around to seek the protection of his room.


	11. Unwanted Sentiments

“These mood swings,” Jongin started after a brief stretch of silence between him and Dr Lawson. “Are they… _bad_ , doctor?”

It took the doctor a moment to respond as he surveyed Jongin’s agitated mien on the bed. Jongin rotated the photo displayer in his hand, fidgeting with it. “They can be.”

It was the first time Jongin had explicitly addressed his rapid shifts in moods. “Can I,” he swallowed. “Can I do something about it?”

“Willpower is all it takes, Jongin. But as a practitioner myself, I have to remain pragmatic here,” he picked up his paper-thin tablet from the sideboard. “I can prescribe you some medication. They won’t be effective immediately and we’ll have to gradually increase the dosage. I cannot, however, promise there’ll be desired results at the end. But corollary reports have proved the method to be quite effectual.”

A corner of Jongin’s lips quirked into an arrogant smirk. “You think I need drugs to help my emotions? I’m not a junkie, doctor.”

“There’s no shame in accepting help sometimes, Jongin. It might be worth a shot if you ask me. Of course, you can decline. It’ll only be a medication to improve your moods by affecting the serotonin levels in your brain. It may lead to better moods.”

Jongin strictly shook his head. He was not that sick to accept medical aids. “Thanks, but no thanks.”

Dr Lawson drew in a long breath and shifted in his seat. “Then, may I suggest another way for you to engage yourself in? I cannot ensure that you will not be jumping from good to bad moods and vice versa, but perhaps this is a method you’ll be more willing to accept?”

“Let me guess. Church? I’m not a religious person, doctor.”

“I was going to say hobbies. Although, church could hardly be a bad idea if you can meet others who can give you the strength.”

“Hobbies?” he arched a brow and snorted. “Like what? Collecting bumper stickers? Or maybe karaoke.”

“Your old hobbies, Jongin. Resume them. This might be a good step for you to get back to who you were before the accident.”

Jongin cast his eyes low, clenching his jaw. “Well, I’m not the person who I was before the accident anymore, am I?”

“What changed, Jongin?”

“Except for the fact that I’m a handicap and killed a friend?”

Dr Lawson crossed his legs. “Jongin, do you perhaps feel reprehensible and culpable for what happened to your friend?”

There was a sudden pang in Jongin’s heart. It almost hurt his chest. He refrained his mind from wandering away too far. When he did not answer, the doctor continued.

“If it is guilt that is preventing you from moving on, I suppose it’ll be a good idea to resolve that issue first.”

“How do you think I should do that?” Jongin scowled. “His family must hate me to guts. It should have been me. Not their son. And yet, I live. Hardly.” The last word sort of spilled from his tongue voluntarily. Was he even living? Would it not be better if he had just died?

“I see,” he sighed. “It was just a suggestion. It might help you take a whole lot of burden off your shoulders. If you could just correct this one mistake.”

“He’s dead,” Jongin spat. “There’s nothing to be done to correct _this_ mistake.”

“All right. All right. Jongin, you need to understand something. Humans are bound to err. That makes us humans. We are supposed to make mistakes. We’re supposed to feel hurt. We’re _allowed_ to feel hurt and guilt. Don’t beat yourself up for something that was out of your bounds of control.”

Jongin blinked at that. _We are supposed to make mistakes. We’re supposed to feel hurt. We’re allowed to feel hurt and guilt…_

It hurt. A lot. There was no way to stop this pain. Jongin can only put an end to it at the expense of his parents’ agony. He did not want them to suffer again. But he was the one who was suffering instead. The e-book pad remained idle in his hands as he stared up at the ceiling and the glimmering stars. There was a couple of sudden knocks on his door. Jongin pressed the button near the bed’s headboard to unlock the door.

His father sauntered in with a tired smile barely plastered on his face. The fatigue was almost palpable. He had just come home—Jongin realized. The man’s tie was loosened and his wrinkled shirt was untucked. “How are we doing, son?” he asked half cheerily, perching on the edge of Jongin’s bed. Jongin turned his e-book pad off and settled it on the bedside table.

“Good on my part. Not so sure about yours.” He cocked an eyebrow at his father.

The man chuckled, shaking his head. “Been a pretty rough week.”

“I can tell. Mom’s worried, you know.”

He heaved a loud sigh. “I’ve been trying to tell her to not to worry. But you know your Mom. She’s a worrywart.”

“What’s… going on, Dad? Is it the company?”

“The Lab is in a tight spot right now,” he rubbed his temples, exhaling exasperatedly. Jongin there was very little to offer his father on this. “We’ve issued 24 ALS-AIs so far. And the officialdom has been revising the programming systems and suchlike for the entire week.”

“Why?”

“Apparently there was an anonymous comment on an online forum about ALS-AIs on the homepage. There has been a series of debates. It was just a comment. It was not like we haven’t thought of the possibility. But the comment generated strings of discussion among the general population. People are now weighing the chances of ALS-AIs being manipulated.”

Jongin’s throat suddenly burned like he had swallowed a ball of flame. “Wh-what was the… comment about?”

“Something about what if they learn how to hate or something,” his father sighed and Jongin’s heart dropped to his stomach with a thud. “We’ll know by the end of the month. If the programme gets cancelled…” he trailed off, hanging his head.

“You’ll have to… dissolve Kai.” Jongin finished it for him.

His father glanced to him and smiled again. “We’ll think of something,” he rose to his full height and ruffled Jongin’s hair. “Get out there sometimes, kiddo. Make your old man a little happier, will you?”

Jongin half-smiled. “I’ll try.”

When his father left the room, Jongin slinked under the covers and buried a side of his face into the pillow. _What have I done?_ He laid there, sleepless for hours. His heart pounded relentlessly in his chest. What was he going to do? What should he do? Why _should_ he do _anything_? It was not his problem. Why would he bother if Kai were to be dissolved? It was not his problem.

The door slid open behind him and Jongin froze under the covers. He did not look back. “Jongin?” he heard Kai whisper sharply like a whistle. “Can I come in?”

Jongin clenched his eyes. _What the hell does he want?_ “No.” he spat. He had been cooped up in his room all day, just to avoid Kai after what happened last night.

“I am very sorry, Jongin. I upset you. I’m so sorry. Please come out of your room.”

Kai’s voice sounded monotonous, but there was a hint of sadness. Jongin gulped and shook his head, nuzzling his nose into the pillow.

“There’s eclipse, Jongin. You have to see it. It’s so beautiful. I have never seen an eclipse before.” He suddenly sounded excited. “Please? Will you look at it?”

Then groaning, Jongin sat up and turned around to face Kai. “Come in.”

Kai sprinted into the room like a child and pushed Jongin hoverchair towards the bed before pointing at the balcony. Jongin glared at him.

“I’m not going to see the eclipse.” Jongin fell back on the bed and threw his arm over his eyes, exhaling heavily.

Kai stood there silently for a moment. “But… it’s beautiful. Why don’t you want to see it?”

“Because I don’t want to.” Jongin pulled his arm off his eyes to look at Kai when he didn’t receive any response. Kai was staring at the balcony. “You… can go and watch it.”

Kai turned his attention to Jongin. “If you don’t want to, I don’t want to.”

“Oh, my god,” Jongin jolted upright. “Stop annoying me like this and leave.”

“Since you’re already upset, I guess this would not change much.” Kai shrugged and bowed down before sliding his arms under Jongin’s legs and around his back. Jongin’s blood pounded in his ears when Kai picked him up into his arms.

“Kai!” Jongin gasped, tightening his arms around Kai’s neck. Kai was getting used to forcing Jongin like this. Something told Jongin that he was even enjoying being rebellious. At least this way, he was receiving some sort of reaction from Jongin. “Let me go!”

“If I let you go, you will fall.” Kai wove his way effortlessly to the balcony and nudged the button to open the doors.

“You’re taking advantage of my disability, you son of a bitch!”

Kai came to halt on the balcony and Jongin shuddered at the cold night air that rushed over his body. Below them, the city was lively as ever. “Jongin, look.”

Jongin angrily glanced to Kai, but the instant he saw Kai’s gentle smile which reflected his innocence and purity, Jongin’s heart skipped a beat and all his irritation was washed away. Kai was grinning at the sky like an idiot. Jongin followed his gaze. The black moon was encircled by a ring of blazing red. Jongin was not enticed by the eclipse one bit. He shifted his gaze back to Kai whose face was incredibly close to Jongin’s own. Jongin moved his fingers and they caught themselves in the soft strands of Kai’s hair.  “Am I… not heavy for you?”

Kai looked down at Jongin and blinked as if confused. “No,” his smile faltered. “I like holding you like this.” He admitted shamelessly and Jongin felt his cheeks heat up.

“Is that why you’re doing this all the time? You better stop if you don’t want me to punch you in the face.” Jongin growled.

“I’m sorry.” He glanced back up at the eclipse. Jongin pressed his face to Kai’s shoulder, closed his eyes and drew in a shaky breath. _It was not his problem…_ He was making it his problem. Jongin’s breath quickened as his fingers brushed the nape of Kai’s neck. He was warm. He was always warm. Jongin wanted to be pressed like this to him forever. His eyes flung open. Kai’s eyes were fixed on his now. It threw Jongin off a little. The soft wind that caressed Jongin’s face like a faint whisper also ruffled his hair. Jongin languidly blinked, feeling a little too vulnerable. He slid his fingers deeper into Kai’s hair, lowering his gaze to Kai’s plush pink lips.

“Get me back inside.” He muttered and Kai did not disobey. At once, he brought Jongin back in and resettled him on the bed. Jongin stared at his own palms as Kai closed the balcony’s doors.

“I can tick that off my bucket list!” Kai announced joyfully. Jongin tried to even his breaths.

“Seeing an eclipse was on your bucket list?”

“No. Seeing an eclipse with Jongin is on my bucket list. I added some to it.” Kai smiled and Jongin lost all of his senses for a moment at his confession. Kai knelt beside the bed and Jongin’s heart began to race again. He returned his stare to his palms on his lap. Then out of the sudden, Kai slid his warm palm into Jongin’s and Jongin’s first impulse was to pull his hand away, but he didn’t. Instead, he sat still and gaped at the smiling Kai whose eyes were on their hands. He pressed his fingers between Jongin’s and laced them together.

“What… are you… doing?” Jongin asked breathlessly with wide eyes.

“Rebecca… wanted to hold hands with Jay so bad. I always wanted to know why it was special.” He looked up at Jongin. “It’s warm.” He murmured. “Does it make you feel safe, Jongin?”

Every word cut Jongin deeper. He slowly curled his fingers around Kai’s hand, but Kai pulled it back suddenly.

“I should let you sleep. I was thinking about you. I wanted you to see the eclipse. I’m sorry.” Kai blurted out and rose to his feet. “Good night, Jongin.”

God. Kai was an unwanted sentiment Jongin could not afford to bear.  _Please,_ he prayed as Kai made his way to the door. He looked back at Jongin and smiled. Jongin stared at him with his heart at his throat.  _Please, don't let me fall for him._ He was not religious. But God cannot be this cruel.

“Have nice dreams, Jongin.” with that, Kai slid the door close.


	12. On The Other Side Of Fear

Whether Jongin liked to outwardly admit it or not, Dr Lawson’s suggestion did not seem like an utter nonsense. He had zero confidence that he can revert to the person he was two years ago. But he needed some other way to keep himself occupied. Willpower was all he needed, according to Dr Lawson. Maybe he could find it in him to dig up the old Jongin.

He crouched before the sideboard and sucked in a trembling breath. His room was unusually pouring in streams of sunlight and Jongin felt the back of his collar dampen a little due to the heat. He slid one of the sideboard drawers open and stuck a hand in. Who was he kidding? He did not want to become the person he was. He just wanted a good distraction to maintain the psychological _and_ physical distance from Kai. As much as he tried not to, he ended up musing about Kai the entire night. He cudgelled his brain at an attempt to erase Kai’s warmth that lingered on his own skin, but it was of little avail. Maybe if Jongin weaved a new web of hobbies, he would not have to think so much of Kai. He would not need Kai in any sense. It was not like he needed Kai prior to this anyway. It was always Kai who ran around Jongin like a forlorn pup, trying to get as much attention as he can get from Jongin. For whatever reason—Jongin did not know.

Fishing the white box out, Jongin rose to his full height and dragged his feet in the walking aid to the bed. Flumping on the foot of the bed, he clicked the box open and unlidded it. A sudden and cold heaviness descended upon his heart when he ran his gaze over the carefully arranged photo displayers. They were hardly longer than a pen, but were slightly thicker than one. There were ten of them, each with their own label on top of the narrow burrows. Jongin caught his lower lip between his teeth and pulled one of the displayers out of its set. “First championship,” he muttered to himself, reading the printed label. He clicked on the hilt of the displayer and settled it on the bed. Within seconds, a beam of hologram emitted from the displayer. Jongin’s lips involuntarily stretched themselves into a grin as he watched the slideshow of the photos of his regional basketball championship. As the captain of the school’s basketball team, Jongin was not only popular among the girls, but also the boys. The only boy whom he had to work hard for years to attract the slightest interest was Sehun. He was notorious for playing hard to get, but that was just not it. Jongin was his best friend and Sehun was his. If Jongin were to make a move, he’d be jeopardizing their friendship. However, one night had changed it all between them.

Jongin clicked the displayer off and turned his attention to the **S E N I O R  P R O M  W I T H  S E H U N** displayer. He curled his hand around the displayer and closed his eyes for a moment. All of him still loved Sehun wholeheartedly. Jongin was not going to run away from that truth. He looked down at the photo displayer and clicked its hilt. Much to his dismay, it did not blink on. Frowning, he clicked it again before checking the battery level. It had died. Exhaling a dejected sigh, Jongin rested the box on the bed and pushed himself up.

The house was eerily quiet. Usually the TV would be on or Kai and Jongin’s mother would be chattering nonstop in the kitchen in the morning. Today, the living room was empty when Jongin walked past it and there was absolutely no one talking in the kitchen. But the lights in there were turned on. Jongin stopped at the mouth of the kitchen when he spotted Kai emptying the kettle by pouring steaming hot water into a basin in the sink. “Uh… what are you doing?” Jongin inquired, entering the kitchen. Kai looked up at him and smiled brightly as ever.

“Mother asked me to boil five kettles of water and pour them into the basin so that they can cool off. I knew it was you. I could smell you.” Chiming, he filled the kettle again with tap water before fixing it to its plug and turned the switch on.

“You… smelled me?” Jongin mumbled, walking over to Kai around the kitchen counter.

“Yes. You have this wonderful smell. I guess ocean would smell like you.”

Jongin sniggered and scoffed at that. “You need to stop watching those soap operas.” He took a step back when the steam of the water in the basin gushed on his face. Kai unplugged the kettle when it had done boiling the water within a minute and filled the basin with the freshly bubbling hot water. “Where’s Mom?”

“She went to her Yoga class.” Kai was working diligently. It was just a usual house chore, but he was given a responsibility and Jongin understood Kai liked to happily fulfil the responsibilities handed to him.

With a little amusement, Jongin leaned his back on the edge of the sink counter. “She… does Yoga now?”

“Yes. I always go with her to her classes. But she asked me to stay home with you today.”

“I don’t need a babysitter.” Jongin grunted. They said nothing more to each other as Kai was busy arranging the fruits in the basket on the counter. Licking his lips, Jongin twirled the photo displayer in his hand. “Hey, Kai?”

“Yes, Jongin?” Kai straightened up to give Jongin his full attention now.

“I… wanted to… thank you. For last night.”

The abrupt grin that swept across Kai’s face startled Jongin. “You are welcome, Jongin. I told you the eclipse was beautiful!”

The _thank you_ was hardly for the eclipse, but Jongin did not bother to elaborate or enlighten Kai on the fact that his gratitude was for Kai caring for him—which per se was becoming a major problem for Jongin. “Um, I was wondering if you knew where Mom keeps the charger for the displayers.” He shook the displayer, holding it up. Kai vacantly blinked at it. “Or maybe the battery packs.”

“What is that?”

“It’s a photo displayer.” Jongin was quite surprised that Kai did not know what it was.

“Yes, I know that. Is it the one from the living room?”

“No, it’s mine. It’s photos of me and Sehun at our senior prom. It ran out of battery. Do you know where she keeps them or not?”

“I can help you charge it if you want.” Kai held a hand out and Jongin stared at him, completely taken aback. That was perhaps the first time Kai had not given Jongin a straight answer.

“Kai, it’s a simple question. Do you know where the charger or the battery pack is?” Jongin pushed. Kai lowered his offering hand.

“I know.”

Jongin cocked a brow at him. “Then tell me,” he spat, somewhat irritated. “Where is the charger?”

Kai kept mum.

 _What the hell?_ Jongin shook his head. “Forget about it. I’ll just call and ask Mom.”

“No, I can help. Will you let me help?” Kai caught the displayer, preventing Jongin from walking away.

“Kai,” Jongin glared down at his hand clutching the other half of the displayer. “Take your hand off. I don’t need your help. I never will. Do you understand? Mom and Dad might think that you’re a hella great housemaid, I can take care of my own business.”

“I just want to help, Jongin,” Kai muttered with a sad, frowning expression etched on his face. “I want you to ask me to help you. Even if it is just a trivial matter. That is what brothers do for each other.” Jongin honestly did not know which TV show or book influenced Kai on this, but he was having none of it.

“Well, here’s a news flash for you,” he growled through his grit teeth. “You are not my brother. You never will be, get it?” He yanked at the displayer to free it from Kai’s grip, but when Kai did not budge, he pulled at it harder. It seemed a little childish and Jongin was baffled. _Why is Kai behaving this way?_ That was when Kai deliberately released it and the displayer slipped from Jongin’s hand, right between his fingers and clunked on the marble sink counter before it rolled straight into the basin, straight into the boiled water.

Without even processing his thoughts and anger for an instant, Jongin raised his hand and his palm struck a side of Kai’s face with a merciless blow. His nostrils flared and out of breath, Jongin felt the untameable infuriation rush through his veins. But Kai, without bothering a second about the horrible slap that he had just earned, hastily plunged his hand into the basin. Jongin froze as Kai hissed in scorching pain, fishing the photo displayer out. “Kai…!” Jongin gasped when Kai pulled his hand out of the steaming hot water and hurried to grab the towel near the oven to dry the displayer. The length from his hand to his forearm was burning red as he desperately wiped the displayer. The cheek which Jongin had slapped was also reddening quickly. “Kai, your hand.” Jongin, still a little paralyzed, took a step forward. He could not believe what Kai had just done. Kai’s crumpled face and watery eyes clearly exhibited pain. He was designed with receptors. Including pain receptors. “Kai.” Jongin stuck a hand out to stop Kai from drying the displayer. Kai flinched away from his touch and handed Jongin the displayer.

“I’m so sorry. Your Sehun is in there. I’ll go get you the charger.” Kai blurted out, still with tears glistening his eyes as he started towards the door.

“No, wait. Your hand. Plunge it in cold water!” Jongin pleaded desperately. Kai shook his head.

“It’s okay. I will ask Father to fix me.” he winced and hissed again.

“Stop!” Jongin grabbed Kai’s sleeve and hauled it to the sink. Shoving the basin aside, he turned the tap on and pulled Kai’s hand and forearm to the running water. “What the hell were you thinking?!”

“I was scared you would do it, so I did it before you could.” Kai admitted as his face wrinkled further in pain.

“And now you’re in pain. I didn’t fucking ask you do it!”

Kai remained silent as Jongin yelled at him. Only after a while did Kai reply. “It would be better if it were me. Mother and Father would be sadder if you got hurt.”

Jongin opened his mouth to protest, but he was silenced by the genuineness in Kai’s agony. “Come on,” he sighed at last and turned the tap off. “Let’s put some ointment on it.”

“I will be fine.” Kai withdrew his hand to himself and frowned, hanging his head.

“Stop arguing with me. I know you want to make Mom and Dad the happiest, but you sure as hell don’t want to make me angrier.” Jongin snarled and Kai looked up at him with the look of a kicked puppy. Jongin’s cold heart thawed a little. It was Kai’s fault all of this had happened in the first place. There was not much room for guilt for Jongin.

Even so, he grabbed the ointment from the nearby bathroom and returned to the living room. Kai was settled on the couch with his head hanging low. Jongin perched on the armrest and pulled Kai’s arm to his lap. Kai raised his head and watched Jongin with something like eagerness.

“Does it hurt?”

“Not that much.”

Jongin squeezed the cream out of the tube and lightly spread it on the back of Kai’s hand. “Why do you look like you’re about to be pushed off a cliff, then?” he tried to maintain the stoic expression as he gently rubbed the cream on the reddened skin. He wondered if Kai felt the same pain as a human would.

“I’m… upset because I don’t know why I acted that way,” Kai mumbled, staring into Jongin’s eyes. “I’m really, really sorry, Jongin.”

“Yeah. Dumb move.” He was mad. And he was going to show Kai that he was mad.

“I’m not hurt because of the hot water, Jongin,” he exhaled and Jongin stiffened when Kai’s hand lightly squeezed Jongin’s thigh. “Please, please, don’t be angry.”

Jongin withdrew his hand from Kai’s arm and swallowed. He had hit Kai. He had hit him because Kai was in no place to respond as a human would. He was programmed with docility, not retaliation or aggression. If he had, Jongin might have received a fair blow on his face himself. He had taken a gross advantage of Kai’s incapability to retaliate or defend himself. “I’m…” he breathed out, brushing the tips of fingers along Kai’s cheek. “I’m sorry, too. I shouldn’t have hit you.” his words were choking his throat and he found himself suffocating when Kai earnestly gazed into his eyes. Jongin wanted to pull his hand away from Kai’s face. This felt too dangerously intimate.

“I did not do that for mother and father. I did it because I would never want to see you hurt again, Jongin. I want to see you smile. I want you to be happy. I am trying everything to make you happy. But you don’t want me, do you? You don’t want _me_ to make you happy. Will… _Sehun_ make you happy?”

 _Yes._ _Yes, he will make me happy._ Jongin felt his head fall heavy. He wanted to say something, he wanted to pull away. He suddenly felt so weak as if he had been thrashed for days. His hand slipped from Kai’s cheek and dropped to Kai’s shoulder. His eyes became droopy. He drew in a deep breath and was about get off the couch’s armrest. That was when Kai’s slender, but strong fingers slid into Jongin’s hair by the nape of his neck and his hand curled around it. Jongin—both alarmed and tired—clenched his eyes shut. His upper lip felt a brush of warmth and a gentle stroke of steady breath. Jongin fisted Kai’s shirt by the shoulder and his eyebrows furrowed in a painful scowl. Kai’s lips merely ghosted over his as if confused. Where to kiss, how to kiss.

Kai pulled away altogether before their lips even touched. When Jongin’s eyes flung open, Kai jolted up from the couch upon hearing the doorbell ring.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the comments, guys!!! And the kudos ^.^ Think we can reach to 400 kudos by next month?


	13. Caught On The Hop

The half masticated food stagnantly remained in Jongin’s mouth for a moment when he caught Kai poking the two sweet green peas scattered on the table with his forefinger, playing with them like a child messing around with his food. Well, technically speaking, they were not Kai’s food. But still. Jongin pulled his gaze away from Kai and resumed eating. There was an awful silence expanding and extending to every corner in the dining room except for the sharp clinks of their cutlery. It had been some while since Jongin’s father had joined the family for dinner or in fact any meal of the day. Family… Was Kai now considered as part of the family, too? Jongin could not deny the fact that he had become more accepting of Kai than before. Kai, too, was beyond comfortable with Jongin that he nowadays took his seat at the table as usual, although he did not eat. Jongin looked to Kai again and felt a sudden uneasy knot in his stomach as he swallowed. Did Kai even know what he was doing the day before yesterday? Their lips had almost brushed. Jongin had given in to Kai’s touch and it was the second most horrible thing Jongin had ever done and regretted the most. It was preposterous. He was, however, glad that Kai did not go blabbering about it to Jongin’s parents. Besides, Kai had spent the entire day yesterday with his father, repairing the skin tissues of his arm. Kai and Jongin both had told the truth about what happened to his arm when his parents asked, but neither of them had spoken of Jongin having slapped Kai. They had not had the chance to speak since and Jongin was grateful for it. He got carried away in the spur of moment. It was nothing more than a visceral weakness. Sometimes, Jongin felt as though he had complete power over his emotions and thoughts. But it appeared that wasn’t so. He should never let anything like that happen ever again. Nonetheless, he had felt Kai’s warmth. It was mind-numbingly covetous. There was a need in Kai’s warmth, as if to be felt by another person. As if to be felt by Jongin. He cared about Jongin’s happiness. Why? Why on earth should Kai—a mere synthetic human-made item to mock humankind—care so much? It was painful in so many ways and Jongin could not afford another whole new stream of agony. Perhaps to Kai this was a simple gesture of kindness and loyalty as per his protocol, but to Jongin, it spelled a whole lot of trouble. What did Kai exactly want when he leaned in to kiss Jongin? Was that even his intention or was Jongin just misinterpreting his motives?

“Jongin?”

Jongin blinked rapidly and glanced to his hand which was covered by his mother’s dainty fingers. “Huh?” he raised his head to meet his mother’s concerned smile.

“Have you been listening?” she asked, rubbing the back of Jongin’s hand.

“No,” he muttered, looking to his father. “Did you say something?”

His parents exchanged silence gazes before his father heaved a sigh and sliced the slab of meat, forking it to his mouth. “Your mother was saying something about your birthday.”

Jongin felt his eyebrows furrow into a confused frown. “What… about my birthday?”

His mother straightened in her seat and beamed cheerily. “Well, we were wondering if we should celebrate your 20th birthday.” Her idea immediately struck Jongin as absurd and he could help but snigger straight to her face.

“Yeah… right,” he chuckled and took a bite of the carrot. “Should we get a clown?”

Another round of silence followed before his mother, rather disappointedly, said, “Jongin, your father and I want to do something for your birthday. I mean… it is your first birthday after… coming home again.”

“When is my birthday?” he asked, genuinely having no idea of the date was today. He had not bothered to check the dates or the calendar recently. He did not see the need to keep a tab on the passing, idle, useless days.

“Um, in a couple of days,” said his mother, desperately looking to her husband for some sort of support.

And she immediately received one. “Jongin, I think you should do something for your birthday.”

“Dad, it’s just a birthday. I’m not gonna do anything special.” He grabbed the glass and swigged the water.

“It’s your birthday. Precisely why you should do something special.”

“Yeah, no thanks. I’m fine.” Jongin shrugged the offer off, but he knew his parents were not going to let it slide.

“Maybe we can go to lunch. At your favourite Italian restaurant down in Lower Lane, remember?” his mother suggested and Jongin pursed his lips, fixing his eyes on the flower vase on the table.

“I can’t. I have work,” said his father. “Maybe you, Kai and Jongin should go. Get him presents, whatever he wants on the way.”

“Or we could celebrate at home. Whichever you want, Jongin.”

Clenching his jaw, Jongin balled his hands into fists on his lap. “I don’t want anything.” He drew in a long breath, hoping that his parents would stop.

“Don’t be like that, Jongin,” his father pressed further. “You need to go outside. How long are you planning to be cooped up in your room all day? It’s your birthday and we want to do something special. Maybe you’ll feel a little better.”

“Don’t you get it?!” he slammed his palms onto the table with his blood pounding in his ears. His mother, startled, froze in her seat, clenching her eyes shut and licked her lips. Kai stared at him with widened eyes. “I don’t want you to make me feel better! Stop trying to make my fucked up life better! All of you! I don’t understand how you cannot see that you _can’t_ make me feel better!” With that, he jolted up from the chair and almost knocked it down when he shoved it back. “You really want to get me something for my goddamn birthday? I want you to have pulled the plug on me when I was in coma. You clearly have thought about doing it,” he jerked his hand in Kai’s direction and faced his father again. “It’ll be wonderful if I had just died in that fucking accident.”

“Jongin—” his father started when Jongin turned around to walk away.

“Don’t worry. I’m not gonna kill myself.”

“Honey… let him go.” his mother stopped her husband’s further advances in a composed whisper.

Perhaps it was the anger, perhaps it was the frustration. The constant shifts in moods was exhausting him more than anybody. He knew his parents wanted the best for him, but he could not accept the reality that he was pathetic. So pathetic that his family now look upon him like a nearly dead cat they saved from the streets. If everyone could just stop trying so hard…

Locking the door, Jongin crashed onto the bed and pulled his walking aid off. It was indeed his first birthday in a long time. But with his birthday came a string of unwanted memories which Jongin still cherished the most.

 

* * *

 

 

“Is there a reason you do not wish to let your parents treat you a little on your birthday?” Dr Lawson’s question did not surprise Jongin one bit. Of course they would have told him about Jongin’s little meltdown last night.

“Did they ask you to come talk me into it?” he scoffed.

“No, Jongin. They are your family and it is only instinctive for them to worry over you. Besides, it isn’t as if you have behaved accordingly in the past few days. I heard that there has been a number of paroxysms recently and you let your AI brother get hurt the other day.”

Jongin cocked his brow at the doctor. “I thought you are a pragmatic practitioner. _Brother?_ He’s not my brother.”

“All right. I know that birthdays don’t necessarily have to be a huge deal to fuss over. But it could mean something to your parents. Ease their burdens, in the process of lifting your own moods. The status quo is not looking desirable for you.”

Jongin lowered his head with his heart swelling. “I can’t… I don’t want to. You don’t understand.”

“I do, Jongin. This grief you’re experiencing is not letting you indulge yourself even in a little happiness. You—no, your culpability is holding you back from moving on. Is this about your friend? Do you feel that you don’t deserve the happiness?”

He had not thought of it that way. Actually he was avoiding stepping in that deep altogether. But now that Dr Lawson had pointed it out, it was all that Jongin could think of. He slowly shook his head. “I don’t… know.”

“Tell me, Jongin. Do you not want to let others help you, stroke your ego? It is completely all right to seek for help once in a while.”

“I don’t need anybody’s help. I just… I just want things to… to…” he let out a shaky breath as his hands started to tremble. “To be as they were.” The words spilled out of his mouth in a whisper.

“And… you _know_ they can’t.”

Jongin nodded silently.

“Jongin, what has changed?” Dr Lawson shifted in his seat.

“Everything?” It was obvious, wasn’t it? “Nothing is the same anymore. This house… this house never used to be like this. It used to be filled with people. I used to come home with at least one friend every day. Mom was rarely home. She had a lot of cliques outside. Dad… well, he’s the only thing that’s still the same, I guess. Always working. And then… there’s… there’s just this,” Jongin licked his lips. “Well, there’s Kai.”

It took Dr Lawson a moment before he responded. “Has it ever occurred to you, Jongin, that people change. Lives change. Nothing remains the same forever. We all undergo that. I know it must be hard for you to accept this sudden change. You come home one day and find out about all these drastic transformations in your life. Don’t you think that everything would seem so much simpler if you just learned to accept these changes and adapt to them?”

Jongin met the doctor’s eyes and held the gaze for a long moment.

 

 

* * *

 

 

This would be the first birthday he will consciously celebrate without Sehun in many, many years. He closed his eyes after staring at the clock for too long. **23:49**. He buried his face into the pillow, choking back on a sob. He held a fist to his aching chest and looked to the phone on the bedside table. Would Sehun pick up if he called? Would Sehun call him for his birthday? Did Sehun even want Jongin in his life anymore? Jongin knew the answer to that all too well. He did not have to love Jongin. But just… exist in his life. He just wanted Sehun to be here. As a friend. As a lover. As anything. If only he could skip this day and every other special days altogether, he would not have to go through this immense torment.

His mother had come in a moment ago and Jongin had pretended to be asleep. He did not want anyone to wish him well on his birthday. It would be as if taunting him. It was not just about Sehun. It was about the fact that Jongin was irreparable. He was way too damaged and he knew that. He wanted to just end all of this misery. And just like that, he gave in. Pearls of tears trickled down the corners of his eyes and seeped into the pillow which muffled his struggling sobs.

That was when it happened.

There was not a knock on the door when it slid open. Jongin fell silent although the tears still stained his face. Then he heard Kai’s soft call. “Jongin?”

 _No, no, no. Please. Go away._ Jongin mentally begged. He had been trying so hard to avoid Kai who was almost unavoidable.

“Jongin?” he felt Kai’s hand on his arm and shattered, Jongin turned around to face Kai with red, glistening, blurry eyes. Kai did not seem surprised or taken aback at Jongin’s vulnerable state. “Why are you crying?”

That instant, Jongin covered his face in his palms and sobbed helplessly harder. “Please… l-leave me… alone.” He rasped and stammered, sniffling. Kai’s hands curled around Jongin’s wrists and he pulled the hands from Jongin’s face.

“Are you sad about your birthday?” Kai’s frown exhibited only sadness and sympathy. Jongin’s entire body trembled and he panted with more tears rolling down his cheeks.

“I’m thinking about…” he trailed off, shaking his head and sniffled again, trying to control his sobs.

“Sehun?”

Jongin stared at him, blinking his watery eyes.

“I’ve heard… pain is more trouble than love is worth,” Kai whispered, slowly raising his fingers to Jongin’s face. His fingertips brushed the tears as if experimentally and Kai looked even sadder. Jongin did not recoil from Kai’s touch as Kai cupped both sides of his face and “Don’t cry, Jongin. Birthdays are supposed to be happy. Will you please… come with me? Please? I promise I will never bother you again. Please?”

Jongin knew even if he refused, Kai will forcefully carry him. So he wiped his wet cheeks with the sleeves of his shirt and jumped onto the hoverchair. “Where are you going?” he asked when Kai led the way out of his room.

“Outside.” Kai looked back and grinned victoriously. Jongin hesitated for a moment before following him. The lights all around the house was turned off. Only some automatic candles were lit in the corners. Kai silently led Jongin to the backdoor and even before he reached it, Jongin’s jaw fell slacking as his eyes landed on the glimmering reflections of yellow lights that decorated the floor. Kai opened the glass door and turned to grin at Jongin. “I did not want to do anything that would offend you. But I really want to see you smile on your birthday. So I’m sorry I did this even if you don’t like it.”

Jongin steered the hoverchair outside and his heart stopped beating for a moment. It was absolutely breathtaking. The entire place was embellished with automatic candles and many little flickering yellow lights calmly floated on the surface of the swimming pool. Small bulbs of white lanterns hung in strings on both ends of the pool. They were like fireflies and stars. A paradise roofed by the inky night sky.

“Kai…” the name escaped his lips in a tortured whisper. He suffered a shortage of breath. There was nothing more beautiful than this. There were even white roses that glided over the water in the pool.

When he turned the hoverchair around, Kai dropped to his knees before Jongin and held a wrapped gift out. “Happy birthday, Jongin.” Kai wished in a very low voice with a wide smile etched on his face. Jongin, stupefied and at a loss for words, accepted the gift. It was a thin, rectangular thing. “I was learning how to draw... I drew you.” Kai told Jongin before the latter had even unwrapped it.

“You… _drew_ me?” Jongin breathed out, astounded. “You… draw.”

“Hardly.” Kai giggled. Jongin pulled the electronic sketchpad out and turned it on. Maybe he had expected a first-rated portrait of himself, but what he saw was a five-year-old’s poor attempt at sketching. Jongin blinked at the picture blankly. Kai had drawn something like a stick man sitting at a table with an angry scowl on his round face. “That’s you.”

Jongin stifled a laugh and scrolled to the next picture. This time, the stick man was in a bed, staring at a box. “What is this… box?”

“The window in your room. It’s not a box.” Kai actually sounded offended.

Jongin shrugged and flipped to the next. There was a bucket full of small balls and there two stick men. One with long strings of hair. They were both holding one of the balls. “What is this? Is this Mom?”

Kai eagerly nodded his head. “When you were peeling oranges!”

“Oh, my god.” Jongin could not hold back any longer. He spurted out a chuckle and laughed heartily. “Why do I have a scowl in every one of these drawings?!” he chortled, sliding his thumb over the sketchpad.

“I… don’t know, Jongin. That’s how you always are.”

“I’m not _always_ angry,” he snorted and examined the next drawing. There were too identical stick men. One of them, however, had better hairstyle with a pleasant smiley face and the other had a scowl on. Between them was a rat. “Let me guess. This handsome one is you.”

“Yes, it is!” Kai laughed.

“And why is this rat here?”

Kai’s face instantly wilted and he looked shocked, almost traumatized and deeply offended. “It’s a kitten,” he whispered. “Not a… rat.”

“Oh.” Jongin unconsciously swiped his thumb over the face of the stick man Kai had drawn himself as.

“There’s one more.” He pointed to the sketchpad and Jongin scrolled.

He stared at the two stick men holding hands. Both of them were smiling.

“This is you and this is Sehun. You’re happy.” Kai explained and Jongin looked away for a moment. The yellow lights flickered like stars around him. He had not thought he would laugh tonight. Kai had made him laugh. Kai had done more than just make him laugh.

Jongin turned the sketchpad off and settled it on his lap. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for being such a jerk to you. No one… no one has ever done anything like this for me before.”

“It’s okay, Jongin. I’m not doing this so that you would like me. I genuinely want you to be happy. And if that means you want me gone, I can leave. If I’m the problem, I do not care if I go against my protocol. I can leave. I want to have a dream. And I want you to _be_ that dream. A happy one. So, I can leave if you want me to, Jongin.”

Jongin took the sides of Kai’s face into his hands. “Too late for that,” he muttered with his eyes falling heavy. “I’ve lost. Again.” he drew his thumbs down Kai’s lips and his heart skipped a beat. Kai did not quiver or shy away. It was as if he knew what was about to happen.

Jongin pulled his hands back and turned his face away. “Jongin? Can’t I make you happy instead of Sehun?”

“You’re not human, Kai.” Jongin murmured painfully with tears welling up in his eyes again.

“I am.”

“No, you’re not. You’re only pretending to be one. You’re just mimicking stuff you read and see.”

“What is your definition of humans, then?”

“Humans… humans have their own will. Their own senses. They can feel compassion. They can feel hate. Kai, you’re something better. You don’t… you’re not inferior like us.”

“Will you never see me as a man?” Kai scowled a little and jolted up to his feet. Jongin gaped at him, rather dumbstruck. “I’m sorry. I did not mean to say that.” He quickly apologized. “It’s your birthday and I want you to be happy. I will do anything for you tonight.”

Jongin licked his lips, swallowing hard. Then deciding to let it go out of fatigue, Jongin smiled at Kai. “Anything?”

Kai’s face lit up brighter than the lights around them. “Yes! Anything at all.”

“Do you know how to do the Russian dance?”

Kai blinked and glanced away, almost looking like he was blushing. Jongin burst into a laughter.

“You know how to do the Russian dance! Do it!”

“No.” Kai whined. “I will be embarrassing. I’m not a professional Russian. You will laugh.”

“There’s no such thing as professional Russian, Kai,” he laughed even harder. “And of course I will laugh! Do it. You promised you’ll do anything.”

Faking a pout, Kai took a few steps back and took in a deep breath. “If I do it, will you sing?”

“We’ll see. Do it first.”

Kai looked painfully embarrassed. “All right. Please don’t laugh.”


	14. When All Else Fails, Smile.

Kai stopped his dancing with abruptness, dropped his arms to his side and frowned at Jongin would could hardly breathe, unable to contain his laughter. “You’re laughing.” Kai accused, pouting in a miserable dejection.

“No, no,” Jongin gasped for air and blinked his blurry, waterlogged eyes, slumping back on his hoverchair. “I was… wasn’t laughing.” He stuttered and smiled at Kai when the laughter had painfully died.

“Yes, you were.” He shook his head and flumped to the floor, taking his seat near the pool. Jongin sucked in a deep breath and silently watched Kai poke the floating candles on the surface of the water in the pool.

“Are you sulking?” Jongin asked, genuinely surprised by this unanticipated reaction from Kai.

“I am.” Kai answered with honesty.

Jongin licked his lips and steered his hoverchair to Kai’s side. “Okay, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have laughed. But you were good! You danced well.”

“I looked like an idiot.”

“Oh, come on. You know that’s not true. I’m the one who’d look like an idiot if I danced.”

Kai looked to Jongin with something like confusion taking over his pout. “You can dance?”

“I obviously can’t, Kai. I was joking.” Jongin scowled.

“Why can’t you? We danced once.”

 _Is this guy for real? It was like talking to a child sometimes._ Jongin rolled his eyes and shook his head. “That’s not the same. I was in my walking aid. I can’t really feel my feet move. And dancing with my arms… well.”

Kai nodded his head as if he understood. “What if I hold you up?”

“No! Don’t get any ideas!” he reprimanded, warning Kai with his forefinger. That was when he saw Kai smirk. “I don’t want to dance with you.”

“You surely would want to dance with Sehun, won’t you?” Kai smiled and turned his attention back to the floating lights.

Jongin—frowning with a sudden heaviness in his chest—glanced away. It was not fair. It was not fair that he responded to Kai these days. “Um… Kai?”

“Yes, Jongin?” he raised his head with a pair of smiling eyes.

“Why do you care so much about me? Is it because you want to see Mom and Dad happy?”

Kai dropped his head, grazing his teeth over his lower lip. “I want to see them happy, yes. But I don’t know why, Jongin. I… feel happy, too.”

Jongin looked at him in perplexity. “What do you mean?”

There was not an immediate response from Kai. After a beat, Kai looked up at Jongin and rose to his knees. When he took Jongin’s hand into his own, Jongin almost flinched, but did not pull his away. “It’s weird. Making someone else happy makes me happy. It almost feels like I’m selfish. I don’t want to be selfish. But I want to be happy like those people in the TV.”

“Kai, those people are just actors.”

“But it is not impossible to be happy like them, is it?”

“No, of course not. But that—”

“Am I a bad person for wanting you to be happy, Jongin? Am I going against protocol because I want to feel good by making you happy?”

Jongin did not exactly have a proper reply to that. He could only stare into Kai’s eyes with indisputable confusion. Kai considered himself as a _person._ “Why would making _me_ happy make you happy, Kai?”

“I don’t know. I like seeing you smile. I like your smile as much as I like kittens. I promise.” His eyebrows furrowed into a frown and his hand tightened around Jongin’s. “I’m sorry if you don’t want that.”

“No, no,” Jongin blurted out and clasped a hand over Kai’s that was holding his other hand. “I… I want that.” The words burned his throat. That was the truth that Jongin was so stubbornly refusing to admit. He wanted it. He wanted it more than he thought.

Kai did not smile like an idiot at that as Jongin had expected. Instead, his face turned sour and he gazed into Jongin’s eyes with pure, grave intensity. “I don’t want to look like a fool or a robot to you, Jongin. I have feelings. I can learn emotions. I… want you to see me as a man. As the man I am.”

Jongin clenched his eyes shut and swallowed hard. “What do you want from me, Kai?” he asked under his breath.

“Do you love Sehun? Would you be happy if you were with him?”

Jongin did not have the sincere answer to that. He remained silent with his eyes closed.

“If I made you happy, will you forget about Sehun?”

His eyes flung open and he aimlessly gawked at Kai. “Kai…” he sighed and drew a hand to Kai’s cheek. How can someone be so pure about his intentions? Perhaps the world was better off without humans and with these intelligent, loyal, caring… beings. “Do you… like me that much?” he asked in a whisper, cupping Kai’s warm cheek and lightly rubbed circles with his thumb on Kai’s cheekbone. His heart fluttered when Kai leaned into the touch with his eyes closed for a brief moment.

“If it weren’t for you, I would not even be here. You are the sole reason for my existence, Jongin. You think you are broken. But I wish you could see yourself through my eyes. You are… precious to me.”

And just like that, all of Jongin’s walls came crumbling down. “We shouldn’t… we couldn’t.”

“Do you hate me?” Kai looked at Jongin with concern.

Jongin slowly shook his head. “I try to. I keep forcing myself to hate you. But… you’re more human than I can ever be.” His breath trembled as he bowed his head and pressed their foreheads together, eyes closed. “Thank you, Kai. Thank you for this.”

With a wide and wild smile plastered to his face, Kai rose to his feet. “Do you want to sleep out here?” he pointed to the deck chairs that was cozied up with fluffy pillows and blankets. “I don’t know if—”

“Yes, Kai. Yes, I’d love to.” Jongin mirrored Kai’s smile with a full heart for the first time in forever. As he climbed into one of the deck chairs, Kai silently watched him. “What?”

Kai quickly shook his head and settled in the deck chair next to Jongin’s. “I did not think you would receive my presents.”

Jongin smiled despite himself. “This is the nicest thing anyone has done for me in a long time. While we’re at it, you sure are such a Romeo. Where did you get the idea from?”

Kai rubbed the back of his neck as if to seem ashamed. “I saw Elena do this for Lucy in Believe For. Lucy loved it. I asked mother if I could do it for you and she said yes.”

“So, Mom knows?”

Kai nodded.

With heat flushed cheeks, Jongin lied recumbent in the chair and fixed a languid gaze on the night sky. The flickering lights around him made up for the paucity of stars. “You don’t have to always follow the rules, Kai. It’s okay to break some of them.”

“Have you broken many?”

Jongin licked his lips and averted his gaze to meet Kai’s. “Well, yes. And I guess it didn’t bring me anywhere I’d be fond of.”

“It brought you here.”

Kai did not understand Jongin’s fate if the accident had never taken place. He only saw and comprehended the fate Jongin was stuck with now. So, he was seeing the brighter sides of this life that Jongin currently had—not the life Jongin had allowed to be slipped right between his fingers. If only humans weren’t so complicated, if only they could accept to live with the bright sides of the life they had instead of pining for one they did not.

“Jongin?”

“Hmm?”

“Can we be close friends?”

Smiling, Jongin nodded his head.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The sharpness of the morning awoke him, stirred him like a carousel. The sun danced behind the lids of his eyes and Jongin scrunched up his nose before blinking his eyes open. He took a moment to greet the morning and sat up in the deck chair. A part of his back was sore due to the uncomfortable sleeping position. All the candles and lanterns were gone, and so was Kai. Jumping onto the hoverchair, Jongin rubbed his eyes with the back of his hands before weaving his way into the house. He could hear a subtle hum when he sought the shelter of the penthouse. Kai was humming a tune that Jongin was not familiar with. But then again, there were many things that Kai knew which Jongin was not familiar with.

“Mom,” he called when he spotted his mother across the hall. “Good morning.”

Perhaps it was his unusual grin in the morning that had surprised his mother, but he received a broad beam in reply. “Happy birthday, Jongin.” She rushed to his side at once and pressed a kiss to his forehead. “Kai told me you loved his surprise.”

Jongin felt blood rise to his cheeks. Kai seriously needed to stop reporting things like this to his parents. “Yeah… It was… nice, I guess.”

His mother took a step back and smirked at him. “You’re glowing.”

“Mom.” Jongin scowled.

“I’m happy you’re smiling, Jongin,” she pecked on top of his head. “Go take a shower. You don’t wanna stink on your birthday. Whether you like it or not, I’m cooking you your favourite for lunch.”

Jongin smiled again. “I’d… like that, Mom.”

His mother stared at him wordlessly for a moment, not in a surprised way, but rather in a confused way. “All right.” She ruffled his hair before walking past him.

“Um… Mom?”

“Yes?”

“About my birthday present… I think I want something.”

That instant his mother’s face lit up in untameable joy. “Anything you want, sweetie.”

Jongin licked his lips and swallowed. “Remember our summer house?”

“Yes? Do you want to go there?”

Bowing his head, Jongin scratched the back of his head. “I want to go stay there for a week or something.”

“That’s a wonderful idea. It’ll be refreshing. But… your father is… busy. And I don’t think I can just leave him alone here. Why not you and Kai go?”

Jongin shrugged. “Fine by me.”

That was when Kai swerved into the hallway from the kitchen, swaying his hips in a ridiculously girly manner while holding an electric ladle to his mouth and spun the other way as if to wiggle his butt in Jongin’s Mom’s way. “Mother, sing with me! I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world! Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere! Imagination, life is your creation! Come on Barbie, let’s go party!”

Clearing her throat in embarrassment, his mother leaned down to Jongin who was watching Kai with pure amusement and a traumatizing stupefaction. “He’s making you breakfast.” His mother whispered.

“I'm a Barbie girl, in the Barbie world! Life in plastic, it's fantastic! You can brush my hair, undress me everywhere! Imagination, life is your creation!” Kai finished and twirled around before dropping the ladle to the floor with a thud. His jaw dropped and eyes bulged out as Jongin slowly started to smile. Quickly picking the ladle back up, Kai’s face grew red.

“What is he singing?” Jongin questioned, truly baffled and unfamiliarised with the song.

“Barbie Girl by AQUA. It’s legendary.” Kai muttered, frowning deep.

“Hmm. Ironic.” Jongin droned before chuckling out loud. Kai shook his head without meeting Jongin’s eyes and hurried back into the kitchen. “Life in plastic, huh?”

When he looked up at his mother, the woman smiled at him in the same way she had smiled when he first saw her after waking up from the coma.


	15. Hope and Believe

“Now, make sure you turn the mosquito repellent on at all times,” his mother clasped her hands to both sides of his face and rubbed her thumbs over his cheekbones. “You used hate those mosquito bites. He scratches all over his body and comes running and cries, ‘ _mommy, it’s ichichi.’_ ” She broke into a soft chuckle and Jongin heard Kai laugh as he loaded the car with the bags.

“I never said that, Mom.” Jongin groaned under his breath.

“You said that until you were eleven— what are you talking about?!” she guffawed even louder. “I had a housekeeper clear the place up, but turn the alarm on when you’re there. It’s also stocked up with plenty of food. Give us a call when you’re about to come home or if anything else happens.”

“Honey,” her husband took her side, curling his arm around her waist. “Let’s take it down a notch, shall we? He’s not a kid anymore. He's completely   capable of taking care of himself. Besides, Kai’s with him, he knows all the deal. Jongin, you can come back when you feel like it. Let me know if you need anything, I’ll send them over.” His father flashed a full smile.

Jongin pursed his lips and turned to the automobile. Maybe this was not entirely a good idea, but things had been going well with Kai that Jongin decided he could use this healthy distraction. After all, he had begun to realize the more he was confined in the penthouse, the more frustrated he was becoming, constantly looking for something to do and when he could not find anything, he would end up moping all day in his bed. He could not afford to go through the photos again and again. Even Dr Lawson thought it would be a splendid idea. A part of Jongin was regretting suggesting this in the first place, but after what Kai had done for him for his birthday, maybe he ought to appreciate and show his gratitude to Kai.

He stared at his own reflection on the outside of the clear glass of the car. The last time he drove a car, he ended up killing his future and his friend. A blood-curdling shudder surged down his spine. Sighing, he waved his hand over the scanning pad by the lock and the car’s door slid open. Jongin settled in the cold seat before lifting his legs locked in the walking aid into the car.

“Kai, follow the navigation system as I’ve taught you,” said his father. “You don’t have to stop anywhere unless Jongin asks you to, understand? I’ve charged the automobile enough for you to reach the summer house.”

“Yes, father. I will miss you, mother.” He pulled them both into a hug and Jongin stared at them hugging Kai back like he was indeed one of their sons. A little crestfallen, Jongin averted his gaze and pressed the button before him to close the door. It must be a little odd for Kai too since he must have never stayed away from home without his parents for a week. He did not look upset, though. If anything, he had been all teeth and smiles ever since Jongin told him they’d be visiting the summer house. In fact, everyone in the house, including his father, had been on cloud nine as they packed for Jongin and Kai’s stay at the summer house. It had been so many years since they had last been to the summer house at the edge of the city. Jongin can only hope that this would not turn out to be so bad.

When Kai jumped into the driver’s seat, he clicked on both of their seatbelts to fasten them over their abdomens. “Are you ready, Jongin?”

Jongin only glanced to Kai once with his heart at his throat without sharing a pinch of Kai’s enthusiasm before turning his attention to his parents waving at him. “Please tell me you’ve driven one of this before.” He muttered, swallowing hard.

“Sixteen times to be exact. You don’t have to worry, Jongin. I’m wired to be a good driver.”

“Well, that makes one of us.”

Kai punched in the digits on the screen to set the gear and steered the lean car out of the parking spot in the basement of the apartment building. He threw Jongin’s parents one last smile before he went through the exit. “It’s going to be a two-hour drive. Do you want to watch a movie, Jongin?”

“Won’t you get distracted?”

“I told you I’m a good driver,” he smirked. “I don’t get distracted when I’m driving.”

“I suppose you don’t also drive under influence and plunge the car off the freeway and off the bridge.” Jongin spat and glanced away, squinting a little when the brightness of the sunset blinded him when they were out of the parking area. The salmon streaks on the sky had a hint of purple at their edges and Jongin had forgotten how beautiful dusks can be. He had particularly chose this time to leave to avoid traffic and people. Everyone could admit this was no utopia as men would have surmised the world to be some centuries ago.

“I’ve read the news.”

Kai diverted Jongin’s attention to himself again. “What did you say?”

Kai kept his eyes on the road. “The accident. I read up on it.”

“Why would you do something like that?” Jongin could feel his fingernails digging into the palms when he balled his hands into fists.

“I was curious. I’m sorry.”

With an uncomfortable chill passing through his body, Jongin trembled like a leaf for a moment. “Can we stop talking about it? How about you don’t talk at all until we reach the summer house, eh?” he turned the radio on. “Here. Play something.”

“You can choose a track list.”

“I’m not good with this… music and _artistic-y_ stuff. And it seems like you’ve got a better taste than me in… everything. So, just zip it and play something.”

Kai shrugged and held one end of the steering handle as he scrolled the playlists flashed before him in a hologram. Jongin had to give it to him, though. Kai was pretty good at these kinds of things. But Kai was the type of guy Jongin and his friends would have mocked in high school for being too flouncy and a total pernickety girl. “There.” Kai swiped the holographic screen from his front and returned to focus on the road.

_Yo, I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. So tell me what you want, what you really really want. I’ll tell you what I want, what I really really want. So tell me what you want, what you really really want. I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna, I wanna really really really wanna zigazig ahhh._

“Oh, my god. What the hell is this?” Jongin gasped a little and almost immediately regretted it. Kai eyed him with a sidelong glance.

“I’m sorry. I like the old, legendary songs. Do you know this one? It’s Spice Girls’. I know all of their songs by heart. Do you know them?”

“Wow. I don’t think I want to,” he rolled his eyes and concentrated on the odd song for a while. Sehun was a little into these sorts of songs, the sorts of songs that not a soul listened to anymore. “You’d think a super-advance Artificial Intelligence would be a refurbished item of the day, huh.” _If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my friends. Make it last forever friendship never ends._ “Jesus Christ. Why do you even listen to this?”

Kai was rolling his shoulders, swaying to the music of the song. Jongin smiled a little. Then it happened. “So here's a story from A to Z, you wanna get with me you gotta listen carefully. We got Em in the place who likes it in your face, we got G like MC who likes it on an. Easy V doesn’t come for free, she’s a real lady, and as for me you’ll see. Slam your body down and wind it all around. Slam your body down and wind it all around!”

Jongin’s jaw fell slacking as he gaped at Kai rapping like he owned the world or something. “What… the hell was _that_?”

Kai shrugged and threw Jongin a smirk. There had never been anything more entertaining that what he had just seen Kai do. But Jongin was not going to tell him that. “If you wanna be my lover, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, you gotta, slam, slam, slam, slam. Slam your body down and wind it all around. Slam your body down and wind it all around. Slam your body down and wind it all around. Slam your body down zigazig ahhh.”

“Stop!” Jongin unintentionally laughed out loud, unable to contain it. “You know, Kai? You belong with the people of the old generation.”

“If I had a girlfriend, I want her to be like everyone from Spice Girls.”

Jongin clicked on the screen before his seat and quickly searched online on the _Spice Girls_ that Kai was so smitten with. “Did you select all these playlists yourself?”

“Father and mother have some of their own.”

“Hmm… What other ancient song do you like?”

“This one. Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen.”

A slow music opened and Jongin listened to it while searching up on this Carly Rae Jepsen.

_I threw a wish in the well. Don’t ask me, I’ll never tell. I looked to you as it fell and now you’re in my way. I’d trade my soul for a wish. Pennies and dimes for a kiss I wasn’t looking for this. But now you’re in my way._

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” Jongin laughed, slumping back on his seat. “You’re such a girl. You are literally an exact copy of those drama club dudes I used to hate.”

“Well, I like these songs. They are so human-like. There’s so many emotions in them. I can learn from them. These were the kinds of songs father made me listen to in the laboratory.”

Jongin fell quiet as he stared at Kai for a good stretch of time. Kai was just this light-hearted, easy-going and carefree person, and that made him more humane than any of the actual humans who roamed the earth like a mechanical set of robots with so many different clusters of social standards, unwilling to give in to one another due to their insufferable egos. Kai learned the uncorrupted sides of humans, not the degenerated ones. He took the good and discarded the bad. If only humans were as simple as him. That made him more beautiful in Jongin’s eyes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The gates automatically opened when the car pulled up before them. Jongin’s eyes widened a little at the flourishing green garden that was home to so many types of flowers—mostly synthetics. The grass had been freshly mown. The scarlet primroses and the smatters of fuchsias had always been the star player of the front yard. The narrow driveway of gravel had also been managed quite recently as the car hovered over it. The bright lampposts shone brighter than the stars glimmering in the sky. This was such a fresh view after weeks of being incarcerated in the house and the city. “This place still looks the same.”

“How often did you come here?” Kai inquired, looking indifferent and rather disinterested in the vivacious view of the garden on either sides of the car.

“Every summer. Mom and I used to stay the entire summer here when I was young. Dad sometimes had to leave because of work. But we had plenty of fun.”

“When did you stop coming here?”

“I don’t know. Mom and Dad still visited once in a while. I think I haven’t been here since I was 14. I even had a dog here one summer. But he was so old when I found him. He died before I could even take him home. And I used to practice basketball here. Of course, back then Mom was better than me.”

“Mother plays basketball?”

Jongin arched a brow at Kai. “Wow. There’s something you don’t know about Mom? I’m… surprised.” He smiled smugly, triggering Kai’s disappointed frown. “I was starting to believe she actually gave birth to you too and hid you someplace else or gave you away to a childless woman.”

Kai did not respond to that. He pulled the car over before the house. The entire compound was theirs and there was no one around at least for five miles. Wild vines crept over the outer walls of the house, embedded into the concrete like they belonged there. Jongin opened the door and dragged a long whiff of the fresher air of the end of the city. “I do know more about mother than you.”

Jongin shifted his attention to Kai. He did not know what to say. Was Kai feeling possessive over his mother? But he no longer looked like he was disappointed and neither did he look like he wanted a fight with Jongin. “All right. Your word against mine.” Jongin shrugged and climbed out of the automobile.

“What’s her favourite colour?!” Kai screeched, quickly exiting the vehicle after Jongin.

“Purple.” Jongin muttered, frowning at the steps of the veranda. The lights on porch were all turned on and Jongin scratched at his arm.

“Her favourite vegetable?”

“I’m not playing this game.” He pulled a foot up.

“Answer, Jongin.”

“Baby tomatoes.”

“Tomatoes are fruits.”

“No, they’re not.”

“Yes, they are.”

“Cut it out. I don’t like this game either.” He flashed a toothy grin back at Kai who was unloading the car.

“What’s the size of her footwear?”

“Who the hell would even know that?!” he advanced to another step before he felt a firm arm snaking around his waist from behind and he was lifted off the steps. He was quickly settled back on the ground.

“ _I_ do.” A corner of Kai’s lips quirked into a smirk as he withdrew his arm from Jongin’s back.

Scowling with a pout, Jongin pressed his thumb to the scanner. “I didn’t ask you to do that.”

“Do you know what she does when she’s upset?”

“I know that one. She binge-watches some series about housewives.”

“Nothing. She hides the fact that she’s upset by smiling.”

That made Jongin stop in his tracks as the door opened upon accepting his thumbprint. “Is that where learned to hide the fact you’re upset from, too?”

Kai stared at him for a second, contemplating something. “Actually, I try to not to get upset. I’m supposed to be happy for mother and father… and for you.”

Jongin smiled at him for that. “After you, then.” He ushered Kai into the house.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Everything in the house seemed absurdly the same as the last time he had been here. The only difference was that Jongin decided to stay in the room downstairs in order to avoid the complication of the two flights of stairs when he was in his hoverchair. After taking a shower in the walking aid, Jongin returned to the room, drying his wet hair with the towel before he unlocked the luggage to fish out a t-shirt and a pair of sweatpants. He pulled the pants on over the walking aid clutching his calves and donned the black t-shirt before sloppily running his fingers through the damp strands of his hair, facing the full-length mirror. He looked like a scrawny little kid now with just skin and bones. His diet and sleeping cycles were imbalanced, and he did not even bother to do anything productive these days. A part of him felt guilty that he was neglecting his physique. He looked ridiculously unhealthy with chapped lips and a pallor skin complexion. If it weren’t for his naturally bronze skin tone, he might have looked like a grey corpse. Compared to this hollow and empty appearance, Kai looked like a superstar. But Jongin worried more about how Kai must think of him. _Does he also find me this ugly?_ he wondered.

A little disappointed with himself, Jongin started out of the room. His stomach was already growling and he only had a couple of pancakes for the entire day. He scratched a spot on his forearm as he wove his way to the kitchen. A scrumptious smell struck him dumb for a second as he neared the kitchen. He found Kai by the dishwasher and a bowl of pasta on the kitchen counter. Jongin’s mouth watered as his stomach growled louder. Kai turned his head halfway around and grinned at him. “I made some Pasta con Pomodoro e Basilico.”

“Ummm… sounds fancy,” Jongin took his seat on the stool at the counter and picked up the fork. Twirling the pasta around the fork, he shoved the whole deal into his mouth and chewed slowly, savouring it. “Oh, my god,” the food dropped to his stomach with an indescribable satisfaction that Jongin found himself droning with his eyes closed. “This is so good.”

“Thank you.” Kai smiled wider. He looked a little tired and he must have been sweating. He looked like he could use a bath.

“Jesus. How do you cook so well?! I could marry you right now. Mhhh.” Only after he had swallowed another mouthful of pasta did he realize Kai had gone stiff on the other side of the counter. Licking his lips, Jongin lowered his eyes to the pasta. “I mean… you’re a perfect wifey material, if you know what I mean. Not being a sexist here. What I mean is… you really cook like my Mom!”

“So… You want to marry your Mom?” Kai looked genuinely taken aback.

Jongin choked on a string of pasta and quickly reached for the glass of water. Swigging the water, he glowered at Kai. “No! That’s not what I meant.”

“I’m not a woman, Jongin.” Kai muttered, now looking a little offended. “What do you want to do tonight?”

“I don’t know. I was thinking about taking a stroll around the compound.”

“Can I accompany you?”

“You smell like garbage. Go take a shower, then yes.”

Kai flinched and blinked rapidly. “I’m sorry. I will remove myself from here if I smell bad. I will go shower. Don’t go without me.”

“I won’t. Don’t worry.” He stuffed another round of pasta into his mouth, scratching the bump on the back of his hand. “God. It’s so _ichichi_.”

Kai came to halt and spun back, staring at Jongin with his eyes bulging out. “ _Ichichi?_ I’m telling mother.”

“No! I said itchy. Go away, Kai.” Jongin groaned with blood raising to his cheeks.

“I’ll turn the repellent on. Where is it?”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. It’s at the back. I’ll turn it on.”

Kai nodded his head once and stormed out of the kitchen. Jongin emptied the bowl and filled his stomach before stretching his arms over his head. _That hit the spot._ He drew in a long breath and got off the stool. As he mended his way to the backdoor, he scanned the photo displayers that flashed photos of him and his parents throughout the summers they had spent here in slides. A smile involuntarily crept up to his face.

Unlocking the backdoor, he stepped outside and slowly descended the steps. When he had found the switch the bug repellent on the wall next to the door, he crossed the rosebushes to turn it on. While he was at it, he turned on the lights of the backyard as well. When he carefully turned around, his heart sank to his stomach and he stood there, aimlessly staring at the backyard basketball court. This was where he had built the passion and ambitions for basketball. This was his stepping stone. Jongin stood there breathlessly for a moment as the blood pounded in his ears. This was one of his few dreams that had been crushed because of his one stupid mistake.

Forcing his feet to move, he walked to the end of the basketball court and picked up a ball from the rack at the baseline. He pressed on the button on the rack to turn rings of blue light around the rims, backboards and nets. He twirled the ball in his hands before he bounded it to the ground and began to dribble it. He smiled at his own prowess and took a slow step forward, double dribbling. Jongin looked up at the bright blue hoop on the opposite baseline. He dribbled his way to the goal and stopped at his usual position. He glanced up high at the hoop and sucking in a deep breath, he gave a _rainbow_ shot. The ball curved in a perfect arc before it dunked right through the rim and Jongin bit his grinning lip with butterflies in his stomach. He thought he had become immune to victory, but maybe he was wrong. However, there was a painful prickling in his chest. This was the best he could do now. Stand at a point and shoot. The adrenaline that coursed through him whenever he used to fast-break before sprinting straight for the goal can never be felt again.

“That was perfect.”

Jongin turned to face Kai, startled a little. Pursing his smiling lips, Jongin shrugged, dragging his feet to grab the ball. “Rainbow shots were never my thing. I was more into jump shots. I was the power forward. Sehun… used to be the center.” He kept his eyes down, dribbling on the ball. “As you can see, I can’t really do jump shots now, can I?” he sighed.

“Teach me.” Jongin staggered when he looked up only to see Kai standing so close to him.

“Teach you what?”

“How to shoot.” Kai murmured, looking down at Jongin’s lips.

“Well, it’s just BEEF. Balance, Eyes, Elbow, Follow Through. Aim and shoot.” He tossed the ball to Kai who caught it effortlessly. Honestly, Jongin did not want Kai to excel in this as well, but he knew if Kai tried, he’d be way better than Jongin himself.

“Play with me.” Kai requested.

“I can’t, Kai. You need to move fast. I can’t.”

“Chickening out, Jongin?” Kai smirked.

“That’s not gonna work with me.” Jongin scoffed.

“All right,” Kai chimed, dribbling the ball like he had done it a million times. Jongin tried to not to gape. “The adroit basketball team leader can’t handle a game with an amateur.”

“First of all, it’s team _captain._ And secondly,” he snatched the ball in a fast-break and shot the goal with a stretch of his arms. “You’re not even an amateur. You’re a foetus.”

Grinning from ear to ear, Kai jogged over to the baseline and picked up the ball. Dribbling it on his way to the other goal hoop. Jongin yanked his legs forward. Kai considerately only dribbled where Jongin can reach and again, Jongin stole the ball and twirled it on his forefinger before tossing it over Kai’s head and caught it, ducking under Kai’s arm. He dribbled the ball, slowly making his way to the goal post. He went closer to the goal than before but stopped when he realized he’d need to jump-shoot this close. Kai blocked him, showing up before him. Jongin raised the ball over their heads so that he would not be able to snatch it. Kai flashed a sudden smile before he grappled his arms tightly around Jongin’s waist and lifted him off the ground. Jongin, although shocked beyond expression, did not retaliate. Kai looked up and Jongin smiled down at him before glancing up at the hoop and dunked the ball into it. The score flashed in blue on the backboard and Jongin held onto Kai’s shoulder with one hand while the other cupped the back of Kai’s head.

As Kai slowly lowered him, Jongin carded his fingers through Kai’s hair all the way to the nape of his neck. His breath and the tip of his nose brushed Kai’s forehead as he was lowered to the ground—their chests pressed against one another. Kai kept his arms steady around Jongin’s body even when Jongin’s feet had touched the ground and Jongin kept his eyes steady on Kai’s unwavering lips. His fingers were lightly pressed the back of Kai’s neck and his other hand gradually drooped down to Kai’s chest. Kai’s heart steadily beat against his palm and Jongin felt his own heart beat in sync with Kai’s. An onyx blanket of a night sky embellished with myriads scintillating stars and Kai was only fascinated by Jongin. Jongin saw himself in those two pools of dark eyes as he stared into them. There was nothing more painful than never being able to pursue your dreams. Maybe it was about time Jongin found new dreams. He leaned in and let his trembling lips brush against Kai’s parted lips. Kai clenched his eyes close when Jongin pressed his lips to his lower lip. Then naturally, Kai leaned into the chaste kiss and pressed a harder kiss onto Jongin’s upper lip. Closing his own eyes, Jongin consumed the warmth of Kai’s soft lips, knowing very well that Kai’s heart was not fluttering as hard as his was.

“Stop,” Jongin exhaled against Kai’s lips and broke the kiss completely. Still with his eyes closed, he retreated a step and Kai released him. When his eyes flung open, he was met with a flushed Kai whose eyes were quivering. “I can’t… do this.” Panting a little, Jongin hastily turned towards the door


	16. Untoward Advances

He was in so much pain that by the time he burst into his room and locked the door, he almost crashed the floor, but managed to reach the bed before he collapsed. His clammy hands tremored as his racing heart robbed the steady breathing and left him sobbing for air. The blood pounded in his veins and a hopeless pain invaded his chest. It felt as though he might die from suffocation. He fell back on the bed and stared into the ceiling at an attempt to regain the even composure of his breaths. Failing to do so, Jongin clutched his t-shirt by his chest and panted hard with beads of tears trickling down the corners of his eyes. What had he just done? How could he have done this? The moment their lips had touched, Jongin felt like he was being pulled out of the water and the warmth of Kai’s lips had just saved him from drowning. Jongin had been drowning for months now and in that fleeting moment, he was rescued only to be dropped back into the sea of morbid depression again as soon as their lips had parted. Again, it was because of what Jongin had done. Was he a walking curse? For the first time in a long time, something had filled his heart so full that he could barely contain it and yet he could not cherish a single second of it after he had broken the innocent, pure kiss. Kai’s intentions were naïve. Jongin should never have taken advantage of his innocence. When he had managed to calm his furious breathing, Jongin brought his fingers to his lips and lightly brushed them. He had just kissed a synthetic AI. The funny thing was it felt realer than anything else. Kai felt realer than anybody Jongin had ever touched. Not to mention Kai had kissed him back. He had kissed Jongin.

Clenching his eyes, he let out a shaky breath and replayed the kiss in his mind, drawing his fingertips along his lips. The gentle heat of Kai’s lips and tongue still lingered on Jongin’s lips like the soft stroke of a feather. The sudden rush of substantial heat that coursed through Jongin’s body was of a familiar one, but it had been so long that it felt a little alien. Jongin curled his lower lip between his teeth and bit on it, sliding a hand between his legs. His mind was filled with Kai’s scent and warmth along with the image of Kai holding him so close. Jongin clutched himself and sank his teeth deeper into his lip to muffle a moan. There was a sudden knock on the door and Jongin froze. He did not turn a hair even when the door slid open. “Jongin?” Kai called and Jongin closed his eyes, releasing his crotch, but he did not remove his hand. The night could not have gotten colder. The fine hairs on the back of Jongin’s neck rose as Kai knelt on the floor beside the bed and slowly raised his hand to Jongin’s arm. “I’m sorry.”

“No, it wasn’t your fault,” Jongin blurted out, gritting his teeth in something like pain. “It’s fine. Can you… leave? Please?” he clutched between his thighs, sitting up and leaned his back against the headboard.

“All right,” Kai looked miserable as he rose to his feet, but he stood there staring at Jongin for a moment. His lips stretched into a quivering smile before he cupped the back of Jongin’s head and entangled his fingers into Jongin’s hair. “Are you mad at me?”

Jongin looked up at Kai as the latter held the back of his head. Jongin languidly blinked at Kai who bowed his head. Jongin’s breath seized when Kai’s lips brushed his forehead. “Kai, stop. Please.” He pressed his palm to Kai’s chest to push him back. “You’re not supposed to do this. _We’re_ not supposed to do this.”

“Why?” Kai withdrew his hand from Jongin’s head and frowned. “Would you have felt this disgusted if it had been Sehun?”

“Sehun is a real person, Kai. I… _that_ happened at a moment of weakness or something. Please, I don’t want to talk about it.”

Kai ended up gaping at Jongin as if he were in shock. “Sehun is a real person,” he echoed, taking a step back. Jongin’s own words rang in his ears. “What am I, then?”

“Kai, I didn’t mean it like that.” Jongin rasped and grabbed hold of Kai’s hand

“You did. You definitely did.” Kai frowned lifelessly and pulled his hand free before storming out of the room.

“Oh, my god.” Jongin panted out and buried his face in his hands.

 

 

* * *

 

 

It had mostly been another sleepless night. With only three hours of sleep and the lazy awakening of a cold shower, Jongin dared himself to exit the room. His nose was tickled by the sweet scent of food. Kai was making him breakfast even after what had happened last night? Jongin was not proud of anything that he had said and it had been hell the entire night. He could not take his mind off Kai and the fact that Kai was only a few feet away from him with a hallway distancing their rooms did not help him in the least either. This was what Jongin had become. One minute he was floating in good spirits and the next, he died in desolation. He could not help it. He wanted to be happy, but he could not allow himself even an ounce of happiness.

He stood at the mouth of the kitchen and silently watched Kai plate some kind of waffles before he settled them on the kitchen counter which was already lined up with an assortment of food. “Wh-what is this?” Jongin decided to ask as he entered the kitchen, rubbing the back of his neck.

Kai looked up at Jongin and flashed a genuine smile. “Good morning, Jongin.”

With his heart swelling, Jongin tried to not to pay too much attention to Kai’s calmness. “You… made all this?”

He gave a curt nod and turned to the cooler. Jongin scanned the dishes before him as he took his seat at the counter. He did not even recognize half of the dishes. “This is churro waffles,” he pointed to a plate. “Eggs Benedict with shortcut Hollandaise. Chocolate berry biscuit bombs. Vegetable frittata. Bacon and cheese strata. Eggnog French toast casserole. And,” he settled a glass on the counter. “Mongolian strawberry-orange juice smoothie.”

“Wow… Did you make _all_ of this?”

“I woke up early.”

“I can’t eat all this, Kai.”

Kai did not reply as he turned to clean the place up. Jongin exhaled heavily and stared at the food for a beat before he forced himself up and dragged his worthless legs around the counter. “Kai.” He called, curling his hand around Kai’s arm and Kai spun around at once.

“What is it, Jongin?” he dropped everything and faced Jongin.

“I’m sorry about last night.”

“It’s okay, Jongin. You don’t have to apologize.” He smiled and Jongin found himself smiling, staring at Kai’s smiling lips. He looked so beautiful and pure. Jongin did not deserve even one good thing. He slowly dragged his hand up Kai’s arm and curled it around the side of Kai’s neck. “Jongin.” Kai muttered, lowering his eyes and clasped his hand over Jongin’s hand.

“I couldn’t sleep. After what I told you… Kai, I did not mean it.” Jongin let out, fisting Kai’s shirt by his abdomen. “I-I… don’t know why I even say those things. I want you to know that I can’t be with anyone.”

“But you’d be with Sehun.”

“I told you…” Jongin trailed off and closed his eyes with his fist tightening around Kai’s shirt. “I want you to understand that Sehun is no longer in my life. And what you think is going on between us… it _cannot_ happen. You don’t understand _that_ … you don’t understand _that_ in the way humans do. You think it’s as easy as… in all those movies you see and books you read. It’s hurting me. And you probably don’t even comprehend what could possibly _hurt_ me. You can’t _think_ like a man.”

“Cut it out, Jongin.” Kai suddenly growled and gripped the sides of Jongin’s waist before slamming him back against the sink counter. Jongin’s head spun the back of it hit into the cupboard. He gaped, wide-eyed and open-mouthed at Kai who looked furious as he lifted Jongin off the floor and settled him on the sink. “Why? Why do you think I can’t think like a man?! _Sex?_ Do you think I’m not capable of it?” he snarled and Jongin gripped onto Kai’s shoulders, completely taken aback.

“I… I… I did not say that.” He muttered against Kai’s lips as Kai pressed himself between Jongin’s legs.

“Because I can show you if you want me to.” Kai murmured silently, sliding his hands under Jongin’s thighs.

“Kai… Let go of me,” Jongin pleaded in a whisper, loosening his grip on Kai’s shirt by his shoulders. “Please.”


	17. It Beats For You

“Kai, stop,” Jongin muttered in a calm breath, resting his hands on Kai’s shoulders while keeping his head hung. “It’s not about… sex.” Over the weeks, Jongin had learnt that there were ALS-AIs whose branches of calibre included sexual gratification and provided services as the Grande Horizontales. They were calibrated to perform as such. Jongin doubted such services were part of Kai’s branches of calibre. However, sex could not be a completely unfamilar topic to Kai either since it was depicted everywhere, especially in the movies he saw and books he read. Even so, Jongin knew Kai did not entirely comprehend what sex was about. He probably saw it as a necessity between two human beings. “Kai, I don’t think you… you understand why we can’t… why I cannot look at you… like _that,”_ Jongin did not know whether he was trying to convince Kai or was just fooling himself because he had already seen Kai like _that_. “Sex… can happen with anybody. I know, you think it doesn’t matter who’s involved. And… and there are… AIs like you who… who…” Jongin swallowed, trying to raise his voice, but he could not. “Serve as lovers for people who look for… prostitutes,” his voice completely died at that. He began to whisper again without looking up at Kai. “Two people need to… _love_ one another to… _make love_. It’s not about sex, Kai. You have to see that I’m… I’m human. You’re… not. You can mimic one, but you’re… not one biologically. Of course, you’re… you’re so much better than humans in so many ways, but that’s because you’re programmed to be so. I… k-kissed you last night. I shouldn’t have. I don’t know why I did it. I really shouldn’t have.” He wanted to bury himself for saying such embarrassing stuff, but he needed Kai to understand without having to hurt his feelings.

But it seemed as though he did. Kai retrieved his hands and pulled away altogether without any expression on his face. Jongin dropped back to his supported feet as Kai withdrew himself from the kitchen, leaving Jongin alone. Letting out a heavy sigh, Jongin glanced to the food on the counter. He lost all appetite if he had one before at all, but he took his seat on the stool and picked up the fork. He stared at the waffle-like thing for a long moment before he dropped the fork and rested his head on the counter. Then abandoning the kitchen, he exited through the backdoor and winced a little when the walking aid began to clutch his calves harder. He had not taken it off since yesterday. He turned the power of the basketball court out before deciding to take a stroll around the compound. He definitely did not want to be anywhere near Kai right now. He had no idea Kai had that sort of mild aggression within him, although he never would have hurt Jongin. Today, Jongin had seen a completely different side of Kai. He wondered if it were something Kai had picked up on somewhere else. Sticking his hands into the pockets of his pants, he gazed up to the blue sky and the white streaks that adorned the thick blanket of Maya blue. He could even smile at the beautiful morning or the jaunty ambience it blessed him with. Jongin’s insides stirred in a whirlpool when he replayed Kai’s aggressive clench on his hips in his mind.

This life was new to him. Everything had changed for him and so much had happened in those two years he lost. He could see that he had already anchored his happiness to Kai. For how long will this last? His muddled feelings were due to the fact Kai was the only one giving him such attentions right now, which is why Jongin needed Kai to stop giving him this attention. He was doing more damage than he knew.

Jongin bent over the rosebushes and carefully plucked a couple of fully bloomed roses before he pressed one of them to his nose, inhaling the sweet fragrance. The scent had always made him smile, but even that could not lift his mood. Cupping the delicate pink flowers, he dragged his feet around the house’s corner and wove his way to the garden. He wanted to come here to reignite the wonderful memories he had here, but nothing was helping. He realized he just wanted to forget them all. Amidst the white flowers scattered on the neatly maintained grass was the tiny grey gravestone, erected from the ground. Jongin struggled a little to lower to his knees before he settled to sit beside the gravestone and placed the roses before it. He pressed his palm to the ground and smiled faintly, caressing the prickly grass. Heaving a sigh, he hugged his legs to his chest and burrowed his chin between his knees. His legs were unbelievably scrawny with nothing but bones and skin. Hugging them gave him more discomfort. He closed his eyes and buried his face into his knees. He stayed that way without moving for a long stretch of time.

He only raised his head and opened his eyes when a shadow was cast over him, blocking the mild sunlight. Blinking his eyes to clear his hazy vision, he swallowed when he saw Kai lowering down to take his seat on the other side of the tiny gravestone. They sat in silence without looking at each other for a minute before Jongin heard Kai clear his throat artificially, but it sounded more natural now.

“Sir Rowland Licks-A-Lot. A wonderful friend, a lovely chewer, a kind old-timer.” Kai read off the gravestone.

“In my defence, I was young. I didn’t know what I wanted to say about him other than that,” Jongin sighed. “I only had him for about two months. He wasn’t very active. He chewed on all my stuff. But I loved him.” Jongin found himself smiling and when he looked to Kai, he found Kai smiling.

“You only knew him for two months and you loved him even when he chewed on your stuff,” Kai murmured, glancing away, but was still smiling. “A man could do much worse.”

Jongin snickered at that. “I suppose,” he lowered his head, blinking vacantly. “Kai... About what I said—”

“I understand. You have been telling me that since the first time we talked. It’s about time I understand that you will not see me as a man, let alone a human.”

“Kai—”

“A human should have compassion, you said. They have their own will. Their own senses. They can feel compassion. They can feel hate. Nobody is born with all those knowledges, Jongin. A child will not feel compassion unless it knows how to. Infants are nurtured, children are educated, humans adapt to the environment they’re surrounded with. They _learn_. I was created based on this theory. I can learn and I _have_ learnt. So many things. You have tried to make me understand, now please hear me out. I’m made of semi-organic synthetic material, I know. I’m not made of biological components as you. My DNA does not have a double helix like yours. Everything about me is artificial. I can bleed, I can feel pain, but they’re not the same as the pain you feel and blood you shed. Humans’ lives are valued. I have no life value. Most of my brain and nerves are pre-programmed and I have a shelf life like all the abiotic objects that are devoid of life. I have no… soul. That is what you and everyone else is worried about. My senses and way of thinking are purely pragmatic and mechanical. Therefore, I understand why you do not like it when I touch you. It feels like I’m one of those AIs that serve as prostitutes, doesn’t it? As though I’m programmed to function that way and I cannot feel. You’re right. I cannot feel sexual pleasure. I do not ejaculate. But when we kissed, I felt happy. Happier than I have ever been in… life. I like the way your body reacts when I touch you. It’s not about how _I_ feel. I just want you to be happy. I will not… I will never bother you like that again. I do not make you happy. I make you angry and upset.” He finally glanced to Jongin and flashed a miserable smile.

Jongin, with a heavy heart, fisted the grass and gripped it. “Kai… Maybe we should go home. I… I thought this place would be the same. It isn’t… Nothing is the same anymore. It wasn’t a good idea to come here.”

Kai nodded. “I’ll pack up, then.” He grinned and jolted up to his feet. He walked back to the house without sparing Jongin another look.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The drive back home had been insufferable. Neither of them had said more than three words to each other. He could not have stayed at the summer house with Kai for another minute otherwise he would have broken down. Kai had been surprisingly _normal_. Only one day and so much had happened. Jongin was afraid if they had stayed there any longer he would have done something that he would regret forever.

When they reached the penthouse, Jongin waved his palm before the scanner and the door slid open. “You cannot let them do that!” Both Jongin and Kai froze in the doorway when they heard their mother’s cry.

“Do you think I have an option?! Look, nothing’s decided yet. It was just one incident. They can’t shut down the entire project because of one misfortune.” His father’s voice boomed across the hall. Jongin entered the house as Kai followed with their bags. He silently made his way to the dining room and found his parents on their feet, yelling at each other.

“I’m not letting him go,” his mother growled ferociously at her husband before her gaze flung to Jongin who was gaping at them. “Jongin,” she gasped and shoved past her husband to get to her son. “What are you two doing home?! I thought you won’t be back until next week.”

“Yeah, sorry, we didn’t call,” Jongin distractedly looked to his father who looked more tired than ever. “What… what’s going on?”

Both his parents remained silent for a moment before they exchanged a weird glance. “Um… nothing, sweetie,” his mother smiled and stroked his cheeks. “Why did you cut your stay short?”

“I didn’t feel like staying there. It felt… different.”

“Oh.”

“What were you arguing about?”

“We weren’t… arguing, Jongin,” she patted him in the chest. “Just a casual… dispute. You should go take some rest. I’ll make something for you to eat.”

“I can help.” Kai offered and Jongin flinched a little when he felt Kai’s breath on the back of his neck.

“Sure, darling,” she turned to face her husband. “What about you? Dinner?”

“No,” the man spat ruthlessly in an annoyed tone and picked up his jacket from the chair. “I have to head to the lab for a while. I’ll be home late.” He exhaled an exasperated breath before he stormed out of the room after ruffling Kai’s hair.

“Is everything okay, Mom?” Jongin inquired, a little concerned.

“Yes, yes, honey. Don’t worry about it,” his mother tip-toed to peck on his forehead. “Go wash up.”

 

 

* * *

 

 

The penthouse was not a small place, but it was fairly confined and even in this space, Jongin was able to avoid Kai. But he had Kai to thank for that as well. Whenever Jongin was out of his room, Kai would politely excuse himself and retreat to his own room. Maybe he thought he needed to make things less awkward and let Jongin have his space. But every time Kai did that, Jongin felt a little pang to his heart. He did not want Kai to distant himself like this. Not this distant.

“Where’s Kai?” he asked, stuffing some scrambled egg into his mouth.

“He’s fixing the sprinkler by the pool. Why?” his mother replied, arranging the fruits in the basket on the kitchen counter. Jongin shook his head and shrugged. It had been two or maybe three days since he had last spoken to Kai. And they live under the same roof. It was obvious that Kai was offended by what Jongin had told him. When did Kai learn to hide his feelings? “I’m going to bring him to the animal shelter tomorrow to get him a kitten. I think he’s getting too bored and I desperately need him to stop following me around everywhere I go. Literally everywhere I go.”

“He’s getting a kitten?”

“Yes. Why?”

Jongin licked his lips and shook his head. It was a big deal for Kai and he did not tell Jongin about it?

“Mom?” Jongin called, swallowing the masticated food.

“Hm?”

“I was thinking about… continuing my studies.”

His mother froze altogether as her eyes darted to Jongin. “What… do you mean? Like going to… college?” her face lit up like the lights on a Christmas tree.

“Something… like that. I want to take up courses online or maybe have a private tutor. I want to do something.” Honestly, Jongin was too tired of being the lame handicap his parents had to dote on to protect his feelings.

“Oh, my god, Jongin. That’s wonderful! That’s amazing. Have you told your Dad about it?”

“No. I was wondering if you could tell him about it. I never see him.”

His mother bowed her head, grinning from ear to ear. “This is great news! Baby steps. Have you figured out which major you want to take on?”

“I was thinking about law school.”

His mother froze again, but this time she stared at Jongin like she had seen a ghost. “My son… the basketball star who loved oily junk food and brought home girls I never approved of wants to become a lawyer?”

“I’m not smart enough to become an engineer or a biologist, sorry.” Jongin scoffed and steered the hoverchair to the sink to drop the plate into it.

“Well, of course. We’ll discuss this with your Dad as soon as he’s home. Which could be tomorrow, I’m not sure. But this is awesome!”

Jongin could not help, but smile at his mother’s excitement. Both of their exhilaration was short-lived when they heard the doorbell ring. “Are we… expecting someone?”

His mother shrugged in confusion and hurried out of the kitchen. Jongin rinsed his hands and wiped his mouth before heading out. “This is truly a pleasant surprise.” He heard his mother’s gentle voice echo down the hallway.

“He’s here?!” Kai called as he rushed into the house and stopped to stare at Jongin. His shirt and jeans were half drenched in water.

“Who’s… here?” Jongin asked him, but Kai did not answer as he hurried to the front door. Jongin directed his hoverchair to the door as he heard a faint laugh of a very familiar voice. His heart hammered against his chest and a lump began to form in his throat.

“I can’t believe this. You look exactly like him. I thought you only sounded like him!”

“He is pretty exclusive,” his mother chimed. “Come on in. Sit down. I’ll get you some coffee. Is hazelnut still your favourite?”

“Yes, Mrs Kim.”

“Just like Jongin.”

“Well, we did have so much in common. We practically grew up together.”

Jongin crumbled to the core as his body paralyzed from head to toe when his eyes fell on Sehun, beaming as he chuckled and released Jongin’s mother’s hands after handing her a bouquet of lilies. Out of breath, Jongin’s lungs and heart struggled to keep him alive that instant. Kai was grinning standing beside Sehun. This world stopped for a moment when Sehun turned and met Jongin’s gaze. Jongin could not describe how heavy his heart was when Sehun smiled at him. He never wanted to see that smile again. He did not want to see those eyes ever again. The same eyes, but different gaze. Sehun looked so different. His hair was much shorter and he looked so much more matured. “Did you know he’s dropping by?” his mother whispered as she clasped a hand to Jongin’s shoulder. Jongin could not even shake his head. He kept his lifeless eyes on Sehun without turning a hair. Sehun’s skin was paler than the last time Jongin had seen it, had dragged his lips all over it. All of Jongin wanted to jump off the building or set himself on fire.

He clenched his eyes tight for a second and swallowed the lump in his throat. “Jongin?” Sehun greeted with the smile Jongin once thought could fall for over and over again. Oh, how badly Jongin wanted that to not be true. “How are you?”

“Make yourself at home, Sehun.” Kai said, ushering him to the couch and Jongin slowly followed them.

“Thank you. What did you say your name is?” he flashed Kai a toothy smile. The same smile he used to throw in Jongin’s way every time Jongin winked at him from across the classroom.

“Kai.”

“Ah. When he called me, I thought it was total joke,” Sehun laughed as he flumped onto one of the couches. “He doesn’t talk like you do, though.”

“I’m glad you remembered at least that.” Jongin blurted out in a suffocated breath and Sehun’s smile faltered. Kai locked gazes with Jongin only for a short moment and Jongin pinned him with a merciless glare. He had called Sehun? Kai silently removed himself from the living room.

“This place used to be filled with people.” Sehun muttered, hanging his head.

“Yeah.” Jongin glanced away, clenching his jaw. He wanted to do something, but he could not afford to overreact right now. Not when Sehun seemed so damn chill. He had to hold onto his composure or at least pretend like he had one at all.

“Chanyeol told me about… his visit.”

Jongin picked on the cuticles of his nails, grinding his teeth. He faced Sehun again with a frown. “How’s your life?”

“Excellent. I’m finishing next year. My Mom remarried again and my stepfather wants me to work for him. Do you remember we once had a bet that my mother will have at least three husbands in her life? Well, you won the bet.” He chuckled and gradually fell silent, staring into Jongin’s eyes.

“Here’s your coffee, Sehun,” Jongin’s mother settled the steaming coffee on the coffee table with a smile.

“Thanks, Mrs K.”

The woman looked like she was in pain when she tried to mirror Sehun’s optimistic grin. She knew the misery and hell Jongin was going through every single day because of Sehun. No mother would be able to take it so lightly. “I’ll leave you boys to talk freely,” she grabbed the car keys before she hurried to the backdoor. “Kai, sweetheart? You wanna go to the pound now?”

Kai gushed back into the house faster than a lightning. “I’m soaked, mother. I will change my shirt.”

“No need. Come with me.” She flashed Sehun one last grin before she dragged Kai out of the house. Jongin lowered his eyes and steadied his breathing.

“They left us alone on purpose, didn’t they?” Sehun sniggered. “And wow, that robot is the shit. You think your Dad can make one that looks exactly like me? I could really use a clone to attend some of my classes.”

Jongin balled his trembling hands into fists. “Why didn’t you come to see me, Sehun?”

Sehun pursed his lips for a minute, sighing heavily. “I couldn’t, Jongin. I was overseas.”

“You’re not anymore, are you? How much would you have had to spend to come and visit me at least once when I was under coma, Sehun?” Jongin was losing his voice and tears began to well up in his eyes.

“Please, Jongin. Let’s not talk about the past, all right?” he extended an arm and took hold of Jongin’s hand.

Jongin scowled. “How can I not, Sehun? I’m living in the past.”

Sehun’s face wilted and he withdrew his hand on his own. They remained in a miserable silence until Sehun spoke again. “You cannot blame _this_ on me, Jongin.”

“ _This?_ Oh, you mean my paralysis? I’m not blaming it on you, Sehun. It was all my own stupidity because I couldn’t let you go.”

“Hey, I didn’t ask you to come to the airport!”

“That’s right. You only told me you were leaving the night before you actually left! I was willing to leave my own life to be with you. I wanted to tell you that.”

“I didn’t ask you any of that, Jongin.”

Jongin’s body began to shake. “What changed, Sehun?”

“It wasn’t you, Jongin. It was all moving too fast for me. I couldn’t handle the seriousness you wanted in the relationship.”

“What seriousness? I didn’t even say anything when you hooked up with other people, Sehun. I was okay with everything that you did.”

“That’s what I didn’t like about you! You get too attached and somehow, your world started to revolve around me. Do you have any idea how much pressure that put on me?”

Jongin gaped at Sehun with his throat going dry. It felt like sand. “So, that’s why you never came to see me,” he muttered under his breath with his heart buried in his stomach. “You never loved me.”

“I did! Jongin, I did love you! With all my heart. But I had ambitions and I could not let you hold me back.”

Jongin was already tuning Sehun out and he could only hear his own blood pounding in his ears. “You knew I got in the accident before you even left. You didn’t… come.”

“I was already in the plane.”

“No, you weren’t,” Jongin looked up and growled through his grit teeth. “Stop with your pathetic lies.”

Sehun jolted up and ran his hands through his hair, groaning loudly. He began to pace the floor back and fro restlessly before he dropped to one of his knees before Jongin. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry. I panicked. You know how my Mom is. She will never let us…” he trailed off and sucked in a deep breath, taking Jongin’s hands into his. “I came to make things right, Jongin. My life has been so fucking miserable, too. How do you think I’d feel living with that guilt? I was waiting for you to at least call me, to know that you still wanted me in your life. I was ashamed, yes. That’s why I couldn’t… I couldn’t come sooner. But that… uh… Kai called and he told me that you,” he paused for a second as his eyes reddened. Jongin knew whatever that Sehun was saying was genuine. He cupped a side of Jongin’s face with one hand while gripping Jongin’s hand with the other. “That you can’t… be happy without me. He begged me to come see you at least once, but he really did not have to because all that I needed was to know that you still wanted me. I’m willing to start over, Jongin. I don’t care if you’re handicapped or whatever. I want my best friend back. I want _you_ back.”

Jongin realized what had made him fall for Sehun in the first place. His recklessness. His youth. His thrilling enthusiasm. Jongin had once been that kind of guy, too. “I can’t… believe this is happening,” he whispered, letting a bead of tear drop to his lap as he raised a shaky hand to Sehun’s cheek. “I thought you… you were not a part of my life anymore.”

“I still want to be, Jongin. Let’s forget about everything that happened,” Sehun smiled. “I want to be with you.”

Jongin carded his fingers through Sehun’s hair and pressed their foreheads together, closing his eyes.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“She’s so adorable!” his mother’s excited howl was the first thing Jongin heard when she and Kai entered the house. Jongin did not move an inch from the couch as he aimlessly stared at the blank screen of the TV. “Jongin? Did Sehun leave?”

Jongin wanted to yell at Kai for doing this, but if he had not called Sehun, Jongin never would have found this happiness again. He never would have decided on what he had decided on. “Jongin, look! Look at how perfect she is! She has the pinkest nose I’ve ever seen!” Kai cried, but Jongin did not turn his head around to entertain him. Instead, he closed his eyes and leaned his head back on the couch. He heard a very faint and squeaky meow as Kai ran around the house with his mother, looking for a place to settle the kitten’s sleeping basket. Jongin crossed his arms over his chest, recalling how it felt to be held by Sehun again. The way he smiled. The way he kissed Jongin. “Her paws are so pink, too. Mother, where’s the feeding bottle?!”

“Kai, calm down or you’ll scare her off. Let her get used to the house. Put her down. Let her crawl around and give the place a shot,” Jongin felt the weight shift on the couch beside him and a slender hand rub his shoulder. He forced his eyes open and met his mother’s gentle smile. “Everything okay?”

“Splendid,” Jongin sighed and rested his head on his mother’s shoulder. “He wants to get back together.”

His mother remained quiet as if she were stumped. “I… I don’t know what to say, Jongin.” she said at last.

“Yeah.” He lifted his head from her shoulder and rubbed his temples. “You don’t seem so happy about it.”

“I’m… not,” she let out. “He’s not worth it if you ask me. But this is your life, Jongin. You do what you think will make you happy.”

“You still wanna say that after this?” he pointed at his own skinny legs.

“Well, Kai taught me something valuable today and I’m not ready to give up on you finding your own happiness either.”

Jongin blinked. “What did _he_ teach you?”

She glanced over Jongin’s shoulder. Kai had disappeared into the laundry room and was giggling from there. “He teaches me something every day to be honest. Kai! Bring her over here!”

When Kai showed up with a ginger-coloured kitten cradled in his arms that was when Jongin had seen him the happiest. He looked like he was the king of the world. “I want to call her Bella.” Kai announced.

“There were so many beautiful kittens there,” Jongin’s mother started as Kai took his seat on the couch across the one Jongin was seated on. “This one had just been brought in from the vet. They were planning to euthanize her because of her genetic disability. The people in the pound tried to convince Kai to adopt the other kittens, but he strictly pointed to that one and demanded that they get him that one.”

“Like Lilo and Stitch!” Kai laughed and Jongin did not know what Lilo and Stitch was, but he obviously learned that humane and merciful act from somewhere else.

Jongin noticed the diaper-like thing around the lower half of the kitten before he noticed the front legs which were crooked inwards and limp broken hind legs. He was not sure if it were sympathy or empathy he felt for the kitten, but his heart broke a little when he realized how genuinely happy Kai was that he had adopted that particular kitten. “Wh… what’s wrong with it?” he asked in a very low voice as Kai lowered the kitten the floor.

“She can’t use her legs. The front ones too brittle and they’re shaped in a way she can’t straighten them. Her hind legs are broken. The vet said it might be because she was abused.” His mother elaborated as Jongin gawked at the kitten trying to glide its way over the floor with the diaper around her back. Kai was already on his knees behind her, grinning at her as he slowly followed her. “I’ll go get the wet food ready.” His mother excused herself to the kitchen.

“You had one shot, Kai. You won’t get to keep another kitten, you know. Why did you choose this one?” Jongin asked, truly curious.

Kai shrugged. “She reminds me of myself.” he stroked the kitten’s head and scratched it as the kitten tried to crawl away from him.

“Excuse me? Reminds you of _yourself_?”

Kai did not answer as he picked the kitten up and hurried into the kitchen. Why wasn’t Kai asking Jongin anything about Sehun? Maybe he really had given up.

 

 

* * *

 

 

The sunset that day was radiant. It was breath-taking. Jongin, now in his walking aid, stood by the balcony’s opened door and watched Kai silently stare at the caramel sky. He had finally tucked his new kitten into its bed after a long afternoon of running after the kitten and had even decorated the kitten’s corner. The kitten moved faster than Jongin had anticipated. It took the kitten a good four hours to get used to its new home. Jongin’s mother was exhausted as well and that was probably a good thing since she did not ask Jongin anything more about Sehun. Jongin had agreed to meet Sehun tomorrow for a date. Jongin was grateful for Sehun showing up because finally, he can have some sort of closure.

He stepped out onto the balcony and Kai turned his head only slightly to acknowledge Jongin’s presence, but he quickly turned his attention back to the sky and city beneath him. “Are you mad at me for calling Sehun?” he asked in a monotonous voice.

“No,” Jongin stated, taking his position next to Kai and gripped the metal railings. “I’m glad you called him.” He pushed his hair out of his face when the soft wind tousled it.

“I got his number from the phonelog and I asked him to come. I will not bother you again, Jongin. If I cannot make you happy, I know Sehun can. I will… stay away.”

Jongin exhaled a heavy breath and slid his hand across a side of Kai’s face. Kai turned to face him with confused eyes as Jongin closed the distance between them and held Kai’s face in his hands. Jongin cupped Kai’s jaw and slightly brushed his thumb over Kai’s lips. “Sehun does not make me happy, Kai.” He whispered with a tear trickling down the corner of his eye.

“What do—”

Jongin silenced him by pressing their lips together.


	18. Legless

It was not rushed. There was no haste. Their lips moved against one another as though they had all the time in the world. The sky and the city played their parts in the background, providing them with the amorous ambience, tightening them both with a chaste intimacy. Everything was so gentle and benign; Kai’s hands on Jongin’s hips, Jongin’s thumbs pressed to the corners of Kai’s eyes as his hands cupped the sides of Kai’s face, their obliging lips kissing the other in an unhurried sedation. It was intoxicating to say the least. And Jongin was allowing his body to be filled with the toxic little by little as he gently kissed Kai’s lower lip. There could not be anything more beautiful in this world than the promise two people make to each other with a kiss. This was not Jongin’s first time, but to Kai, all of this was new. To him, this was supposed to be something he should not be blessed with. But Jongin blessed him with it because Kai of all people deserved it. He deserved to be kissed by the person he loved. This was beautiful for the both of them.

Jongin was grateful for Sehun showing up. He needed a closure. He did not need Sehun in his life anymore and now, finally he can make certain of it. That instant when Sehun was holding his hands, he realized he’d rather have somebody else’s hand hold his. Someone who valued these little gestures, these trivial advances, these beautiful innocence of humanity greatly. Someone who will always put the importance of Jongin before his own. Someone who loved him regardless of how he was or looked. Everybody deserved that. Everyone deserved to be loved for who they were as they were. Jongin had not been himself when he was with Sehun. He had to consistently alter himself in accordance with the usual grand design. That had led him nowhere, but here. This very instant, Jongin was standing here because of all the bad choices he made in life for Sehun because of _what-would-Sehun-like­_. It took Jongin a broken spine and two dead legs to realize sacrifices had to work both ways. Sehun never really sacrificed anything for him. Jongin was not being selfish. He was not taking advantage of Kai’s innocence. But he could not keep lying to himself or holding himself back anymore. Kai had gone to the extent of giving Jongin up because his heart was as pure as a child’s. His intentions were more genuine than of a child. He wanted Jongin to be happy and had made that a goal to be achieved. As Kai himself put it, infants learned compassion. Technically speaking, Kai had just been born. He was learning. He was changing. He was not only learning the good stuff about humans, but also the bad. If he can do that, he was more human than the next person.

Kai’s lips were soft, synthetic. Jongin knew Kai could feel his lip, but he can never know if he could feel the kiss. Jongin slid a hand to the back of Kai’s head and gently gripped the hair, tilting his head to let Kai kiss him back. Kai’s lips were hesitant as always. A part of Jongin believed that Kai could only mimic what he saw on the TV. It was good enough. But Jongin wanted Kai to kiss on his own, using his own senses, feeling Jongin, feeling his own way into the kiss. Jongin eased his lips against Kai’s and pulled back. Kai languidly opened his eyes as if he were inebriated and Jongin waited for Kai to pull him back into the kiss. Their lazy gazes locked and Kai’s arms tightened around Jongin’s waist by surprise. Jongin carded Kai’s hair with his fingertips, miserably staring into his eyes. He did not know how to apprehend Kai’s expression. He looked calm, but there was some sort of agitation in his quivering eyes. And then it happened.

Kai leaned in and claimed Jongin’s lips again. He led Jongin in the kiss now. It was as if he had learnt how to kiss. He pressed his lips all over Jongin’s in a very gentle force and Jongin returned the kiss with his heart pounding against his own _and_ Kai’s chests. Kai wanted Jongin to teach him to love. But it was the other way around. Kai was the one who was teaching Jongin to love. To love himself.

“Kai?”

Jongin withdrew from the kiss at once in a jerky abruptness that he almost lost his footing with the walking aid before Kai’s arms steadied him. He pushed the arms off his waist at once and retreated to the corner of the balcony as his mother entered the living room. Kai licked his lips and turned to face Jongin’s mother who had a towel wrapped around her head, smelling like a fragrant flower doused in musk. “Yes, mother?” Kai asked in a quiet voice as Jongin’s heart thumped in his throat.

“Your kitty’s awake. She’s trying to get out of her basket.” She said, briefly glancing to Jongin flashing a brisk smile.

“I told her not to do that,” he frowned as if the cat had disappointed him. Jongin almost smiled at his naivety. “I mean I know she cannot understand me. I’ll go.” He started back into the house when Jongin’s mother stopped him, surveying Kai’s face with a scrutinizing pair of eyebrows.

“Why is your face so red?”

Jongin looked to Kai at once and his stomach churned when he noticed the blush on Kai’s cheeks. He was flushed and flustered from the kiss!

“I… I don’t know. Maybe it is getting cold.” Kai muttered and brushed past her before he hurried to the fancy white kitten basket in the corner. He had even already tied a red bow around the kitten’s neck.

And he had just lied straight to his _mother’s_ face.

 

 

* * *

 

 

“Dad’s not gonna be home tonight?” Jongin inquired, placing the fork back on the plate and faced his mother who shoved a spoonful of peas into her mouth on the other end of the dining table.

“No,” she sighed. “He’s busy as always.”

“Mom, what were you and Dad arguing about that day?” he decided to ask, leaning back on the hoverchair.

His mother shook her head with a faint smile plastered to her face. “It was nothing. Really, sweetheart. Don’t worry. You know how your father is when he’s under stress.”

“I’ve seen Dad under stress, Mom,” Jongin frowned. “He wasn’t just stressed. He looked… upset. And so did you. I haven’t seen you guys argue in years.”

“Well, son, you weren’t here for two years,” she spat with her smile gone and dropped her head, tightening her fists around the fork and knife. Jongin gaped at his mother. “I’m sorry… Jongin, things weren’t the same after your… accident. There were so many fights between your Dad and I that one day I just thought… this was not going to work anymore. He was so busy building… you know, the new humanoids. I’d be spending hours and hours sitting by you and your father was nowhere,” she smiled through the agony. “Then one day, everything… just got better. Your Dad and his team succeeded with their first ALS-AI—Kai. He was just a prototype at first. You… inspired your father to do this. People don’t pay much attention to ALS-AIs because they think they’re just like the humanoids and other AIs. But I think we can all agree that ALS-AIs are truly… _something_. They _do_ have emotions. They know how to _feel._ Which made it so easy for me to accept Kai. He was like this… child your Dad brought home and I just became his mother.”

Jongin understood it then. He understood it all. His breath caught and a part of him just died right there and then. “It’s about Kai, isn’t it?”

His mother remained silent for a moment, keeping her watery eyes low. “Your father was telling me things that… I really don’t want to happen. Kai is also my son. Maybe I see you in him. I cannot lose him. It wasn’t to replace you, Jongin. But I finally had a purpose again to keep being sane, to keep fighting. Jongin, you had no idea how… how much pain I went through seeing you in that cryotank every day. It felt like someone was ripping my heart out and putting it back in every single day. When you… woke up, you saw yourself as you are now. But I saw you with… so much… blood,” the word gushed past her lips in a struggle as a tear trickled down the corner of her eyes. “So many wounds. I couldn’t… recognize you. Do you know I felt that moment? I thought about the day I gave birth to you and held you for the first time in my arms. It was also then when I made a promise to you and myself that I will protect you, give you everything that you need, love you for the rest of my life even if I had to die to fulfil any of it. But when I saw you in the hospital after the accident, I… I just broke apart because… I had failed to keep my promise.”

Jongin, completely out of breath, reached out for his mother’s hand and tightly gripped it with a sob choking his throat. “It… wasn’t your… fault, Mom.”

“It was. It was my fault. I couldn’t protect you as soon as you started to decide for yourself. No matter what, Jongin, mothers will always blame themselves for every misfortune that strikes their children whether it’s their fault or not. You were my only child. I gave birth to you, through pain and blood. You were _my_ responsibility,” she spat through her grit teeth. “I failed. Then we didn’t know if you were ever going to wake up. I couldn’t let go. I was the only reason why they didn’t pull the plug in the first year itself. They were so sure that you wouldn’t wake up. No mother would give up on her child. I waited for you. But do you know who saved me in those final days where I really could not hold onto myself anymore? It was Kai. Not your Dad, not you, not anyone else. It was him. If I lost him, I can’t… go through that again.”

“I’m sorry,” Jongin said in a suffocated whisper as he tried his best to not give in to the tears welled up in his eyes. “I never… never thought about… how difficult it must have been for you. All that I’ve been doing is feeling sorry for _myself_ and I just lost perspective on how much _I_ hurt the people around me. I’m sorry, Mom. I’m so, so sorry,” He never thought about his parents when he tried to kill himself that day. Once again, it was Kai who had saved them the pain by stopping Jongin. “I will never do… anything so stupid… like that again. I won’t. I promise I’m gonna… try my best to get better, Mom. I won’t… reach for something I don’t need.”

His mother wiped her tears and stroked Jongin’s cheek. “You think you need Sehun?”

Jongin slowly shook his head. “I’m going to meet up with him tomorrow to end things with him, Mom. I don’t need him. In _any_ sort of way. Took me a moment to realize that.” He tried to smile. “But… what about Kai? Why do you think they’re going to take him away?”

“Your Dad says some stuff. Like the ALS-AIs are too advanced and the world is not ready for such an abomination. It all started because of a random anonymous comment on their homepage on ALS-AIs about what if they learn how to hate and people just burst into strings of discussions following that thread about the danger they could pose to humankind. But I don’t think it’ll actually happen. Don’t worry,” she patted on Jongin’s shoulder and picked their plates up. That instant, Jongin felt like a breathing corpse. “You’re done with that?”

“Yeah,” he fell silent for a moment before asking, “Where’s Kai?”

“He’s been busy with his kitten all day. He moved the basket to his room to get more time with the kitten. I’m scared the cat is going to get traumatized by him.”

“I’m going to sleep.”

“Oh, all right, honey. Good night.”

Steering his hoverchair towards Kai’s room, he could not ignore the strange swirl in his stomach. This was not happening. This could not happen. How could he have been so fucking stupid to let this happen?! No. Maybe his mother got it wrong and maybe it was not Jongin’s comment that had roused this tribulation.

_If they know how to love, what happens when they found out how to hate?_

Jongin felt sick with his throat burning in something like acid. His head spun so hard that he wanted to throw up. No. Nothing like that would ever happen. He needed to stop thinking too much.

He stopped before Kai’s room and raised a fist to knock on the door, but froze when his heart clenched painfully. He splayed his fingers open onto the door and pressed his forehead to the door as his lips went dry. The door then slid open on its own. Jongin gawked at Kai who stood tall before him with the kitten in his arms. It was so calm that Jongin wondered for a second if it had died from the excessive _love_ Kai was pouring onto it. But it moved and pressed its crooked front leg onto Kai’s chest.

“I knew it was you.” Kai smiled, making way for Jongin to enter.

Jongin cleared his throat as he hovered into the room and Kai closed the door again. He released the kitten to the floor and it wildly crawled around with the diaper hanging on its butt. “What… are you calling it?” Jongin asked, pointing at the hyperactive kitten.

“Bella. Because she’s beautiful,” Kai lowered to his knees beside Jongin’s hoverchair with a funny grin etched on his face and clung onto the armrest of the hoverchair. “Just like you.”

“But I’m not Bella.”

“Oh,” Kai frowned. “Should I call you Bella?”

“Please don’t,” Jongin grunted, shoving Kai’s hands off his armrest. Kai rose to his feet and dropped to sit on the floor before Jongin. The kitten eagerly looked in Kai’s way before it crawled over to him, dragging its limp hind legs. It was gliding to be more exact since it could not even stand on its front legs. It stopped near Kai’s knee, unable to reach up. Kai smiled and picked it up before settling it in his lap. “You know it’s only interested in you ‘cause you have milk.”

Kai scowled. “That’s not true. Some people actually love you for who you _are_ and not for what you _have._ That is unconditional and reciprocal. _”_

“Jeez, okay, Swami Kai 6621,” Jongin rolled his eyes, although he wanted to laugh. Kai’s jaw fell slacking as he looked genuinely surprised. “What?”

“You remembered 6621.”

Jongin heaved in a deep breath. “Don’t you… want to talk about the… kiss?”

Kai bit his lip, glancing down to the kitten while stroking its head. The cat looked like it was about to fall asleep with its droopy eyes and all. “I thought you don’t like talking about our kisses.”

_Our kisses._

“Kai, we should talk about this one. Don’t you want to… know why I did… it?”

“I do,” he frowned. “I want to know what you meant by… _Sehun does not make you happy_. Sehun came over. You _should_ be… happy.”

“Sehun came over because you begged him. Did I ask you to do that? You think I wouldn’t have done it if I wanted him back in my life?!”

Kai swallowed and settled the half-asleep kitten in its basket right next to his bed before he knelt at Jongin’s feet. “You were miserable, Jongin. How long do you plan to be miserable? I can’t watch you like that. If I can’t do anything to make you happy, I wanted anyone… anything that can.”

Jongin ran his fingers through Kai’s hair and bowed his head to plant a soft kiss on Kai’s forehead before he stared into Kai’s eyes. “I’m trying, Kai… I’m trying to… get used to all of this. And I can… change. Slowly. I need you to… give me some time. I will get used to it.”

“I don’t want you to _get used_ to me, Jongin,” Kai frowned deeper, clinging onto Jongin’s hand cupping his face. “Why did you kiss me?”

“Because I wanted to,” Jongin said firmly, but in a gentle tone and with a subtle smile. “And I want to… now.”

Kai looked flabbergasted. “I want to, too… But Sehun…”

“I’m going to end things with him tomorrow. Everything that I ever had with him. I’m going to give every memorabilia that I have of him. The photos, the shirts, the gifts. I am starting over with my life. This… _new_ life. With Mom, Dad and…” he paused for a second, gently caressing Kai’s cheek. “You. I’m given a second chance to make the right decisions this time. I’m not going to fuck anything up anymore.”

Kai was not smiling. Instead, he looked even more confused. “Why… suddenly?”

“I needed that push with Sehun today,” Jongin sighed and looked to Kai’s bed. “Can I… sleep here tonight?”

“Yes!” Kai exclaimed so loud that Jongin jumped in his seat. He jolted up to his feet at once and cleared the bed although there was nothing on it. “I want to believe this is all real. But I suppose this is what _surreal_ feels like.” Kai grinned, flashing all of his perfect teeth, looking like a 5-year-old with candy.

“This is real, Kai.”

“I don’t know how to believe this, Jongin.”

“Well, you have to believe it. How about you come with me tomorrow to see Sehun? I need someone to drive me anyway.”

“Really?!”

“Yes.”

“Sure. Sure! Of course!” He rushed over to Jongin and collected him into his arms.

Jongin groaned at the sudden attack and clung onto Kai’s neck as Kai carried him to the bed. “You didn’t have to.”

“It’s okay. I love holding you like this.”

“Why? Because I look like a damsel in distress and you’re my heroic saviour?” Jongin glowered at him and Kai came to a stop. He didn’t put Jongin down on the bed. Instead, he turned around and took his seat on the bed before settling Jongin on his lap. “What the hell are you doing?! Mom could walk in!” he yapped with his back supported by one of Kai’s arm while the other was curled under Jongin’s knees. Kai shifted and took his seat with his back leaned to the headboard before he settled Jongin between his legs with Jongin’s back pressed to his chest. All of Jongin froze. He was sitting in such an awkward position, his skinny, bony legs were too exposed by the shorts he was wearing, he could feel Kai’s heart beating against his back, Kai had his knees pulled up as if to block Jongin’s sides and worst of all Jongin could feel Kai’s crotch on the small of his back. He wanted to cover his legs with something. On the hoverchair, they didn’t look this creepily thin. But now, he wanted to just hide them. Especially from Kai.

When he reached for the bed covers, Kai caught his hand and pulled it back to rest it on Jongin’s lap. He held the back of Jongin’s hand and laced their fingers together. Jongin let out a shaky breath, trying to calm himself when Kai brushed his lips on the back of his neck. “Do you like… this kind of… things?”

Jongin cringed as blood rushed to his cheeks. This was too embarrassing, but he did not want to move away. Especially not when it was Kai who was the one who was initiating it. “I should go sleep in my own room.” He muttered with the hairs on his arms sticking up.

“No, please,” Kai snuggled his head in the crook of Jongin’s neck, locking his arms around Jongin’s waist. “Stay here.”

Letting out a sigh, Jongin rested his head back on Kai’s shoulder. They remained in that position for minutes. Just when Jongin’s eyelids began to feel heavy, Kai raised his head and while Jongin’s was still lying on his shoulder, he stole the moment to kiss Jongin on the lips. Jongin grabbed onto Kai’s hands that were locked by his stomach and kissed Kai back in that messy position. When Kai pulled away, Jongin smirked. “You’re getting good at this so fast.”

“I learn from the best.” Kai pecked on his lips again.

“You can’t tell anyone about us, okay?”

“I know, Jongin. I know.” He pressed his lips to Jongin’s temple and they silently sat there until Jongin let the sleep claim his consciousness.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jongin could not exactly read Sehun’s reaction, but it went along the lines of shocked, disbelief, anger, unanticipated and off-guard. Oh, how much Jongin would have been willing to pay to see that reaction...

“What?” Sehun spat, grinding his teeth. “What did you say?”

“I asked you to get lost, Sehun,” Jongin said calmly, eyeing the two boxes of _everything-Sehun_ on the chairs beside them. Jongin was glad the café they decided to meet up at, which was only across the apartment building, was almost empty. “I’m done with you.”

Sehun side-eyed Kai who was sitting on his right and glared hard. “Can we talk without him here?”

“No, we can’t.”

“Jongin, this isn’t fair.”

Jongin shot up to his feet and clenched his fists. “Not fair?!” he shouted. Kai rose to his full height and took Jongin’s side as the waitstaff stared at them. “You fucking left me to die in my coma after promising me so many bullshit! You don’t get to fucking talk about what’s fair, do you understand?!”

Sehun closed his eyes and slowly nodded his head. “Okay… Maybe I deserve this. For abandoning you. But, why can’t you see I’m trying to make things right now?”

“You’re just a little two years late, Sehun.”

“For how long are you going to punish me for a mistake _you_ made, Jongin.” Sehun stood up.

“The only mistake I ever made was believing all of your goddamn lies, Sehun. I was ready to give my life for you. That’s how much I loved you. I was even willing to forgive you for what you did, but the moment you walked into my house yesterday and claimed that you’re trying to ease your guilt, I just decided it’s way easier to just hate you.”

“This is cruel, Jongin.”

“I don’t fucking care, Sehun. You left me to rot. You were my friend for years. You were my brother. I loved you more than I ever cared to love myself. And that blinded me. I’m not gonna let you walk back into my life just so that you can have a good night sleep.”

“Jesus Christ!” Sehun slammed his palm on the table and reached for Jongin’s collars. Jongin tried to not to flinch as Sehun clutched his shirt. “You’re a pathetic fool, do you know that? Who do you think would even want to be with you anymore, huh?! Have you looked at yourself recently in the mirror?! You’re a fucking _lame_ ,” he hissed right into Jongin’s face. “I’m doing you a huge ass favour here! Yes, it’s to clear my guilty conscience. But between the both of us, I’ll be the one at loss here, stuck with a legless moron,” Jongin silently listened to every word that he said. “I don’t want to be the bad guy, okay?! You keep fucking telling everyone that it’s my fault! Whose fault is it really, huh? _You’re_ the one who was driving. _You’re_ the one who came after me relentlessly just because you can’t take a bloody hint! I never loved you! And _you’re_ the one who killed Dae! Why do you keep looking for people to blame when you’re the problem here, Jongin?! And _you_ are rejecting _me?_ What a—”

He didn’t get to finish. The next thing Jongin saw was the blood oozing out of Sehun’s nose before he tumbled to the floor and a waitress screamed as Kai climbed onto Sehun. His fist repeatedly bludgeoned Sehun’s face in a brutal pace. “Kai!” Jongin cried and although he tried to yank Kai off Sehun, Kai kept punching Sehun’s face until a puddle of blood surrounded Sehun’s head on the floor. “What are you doing?! Stop! Stop! Please!” A couple of waiters pulled Kai off Sehun with Jongin. When he dropped to the floor, he got back on his knees and started back towards Sehun before he gave Sehun’s wrecked face one last jab and fell to the floor, panting hard.

“We’ve called the cops!” one of the waiters howled, but Jongin’s entire attention was on Kai. _What had just happened…_

Kai looked up at Jongin with his fist and knuckles stained in Sehun’s blood. Jongin glanced to Sehun. He had passed out. He was not moving, but he was still breathing. Jongin dropped to his knees beside Kai with tears brewing in his eyes. “What did you just do, Kai?” he whispered, curling his hand around Kai’s shirt and dropped his face onto Kai’s shoulder. “What did you just do…”

“He deserved that.” Kai whispered back and pressed his own face onto Jongin’s shoulder.


	19. Time's Up (Second Last Chapter)

Everything hinged on their luck now. There was no way out, no way to make amendments, no way to turn things around. Jongin sat still, stomach all knotted up and hands unflaggingly trembling even when he had them tightened into fists. He wanted to comfort Kai, but he could barely keep himself steady. Shaking like a leaf, he was perched on the bench in the police station next to Kai and he could not even look in Kai’s way. The metallic stench of blood stung his nose and made him sick, but to think it was Sehun’s blood only made it worse. Nonetheless, Jongin would not deny the mild satisfaction that a dark part of him enjoyed seeing Sehun’s face broken and teeth punched in. He never could have done what Kai had. He never would have been able to hurt Sehun the way Kai had. No matter what, Jongin still cared for Sehun. But that did not mean he did not want to see Sehun hurt at least once. Except that now, Kai was the one who was going to pay for something Jongin had caused. Everything had happened so fast. Within minutes, the police and the ambulance had arrived. While Sehun was brought into the ambulance in a gurney, Jongin and Kai were forced into the police car. Only difference was that Kai was treated as the assaulter and Jongin was a mere witness along with the other staffs of the café. The instant the cops cuffed Kai’s hands, Jongin knew they were dire straits. The tumultuous pounding of Jongin’s heart never abated. How could he have done that? Was Kai angry? Was he vindictive? Did he wanted Sehun to pay for what he said? How could Kai go against all protocol? He was supposed to protect his family, yes. But Kai was not supposed to harm another human being. For all that anybody cared, Sehun will be perceived as innocent in this issue and he was assaulted by an Artificial Intelligence that was not programmed ever to be engaged in violence or any form of aggression that can inflict pain on civilians. Even Jongin knew how much trouble Kai could get into for this.

The calm announcement on the PA system averted Jongin’s attention momentarily. He swallowed the sick lump in his throat and slowly turned his head around to glance to Kai who silently sat there as he was ordered to do by the policemen. The knuckles on his right fist were caked with Sehun’s blood and he was still handcuffed. A sharp shudder passed down Jongin’s spine as he slowly looked up to Kai’s sombre face. _It’ll be okay,_ Jongin wanted to lie, but he could not open his mouth and he could make a promise he will not able to keep.

The doors slid open with a chime and Jongin’s eyes darted to the entrance through which his father burst in with another well-suited man with an e-File pad in his hand. “Oh, my god, Jongin!” his father gasped and Jongin pulled himself up to accept his father’s rugged embrace. He smelled like some sort of chemical and he still had his lab goggles around his neck. “Kai.” He turned to Kai who stood up.

“Sir, stay away from the apprehended.” The woman at the reception called out in a strict tone.

“Dad, it wasn’t his fault.” Jongin blurted out, panting.

“I know, son. We’re going to fix this,” his father patted on Jongin’s arms before glancing to Kai disappointedly and wove his way to the reception. “I need to speak with the officer in charge.”

“I’ve already called him. He’ll be here shortly. Ah, there he is.” The policewoman pointed to the officer who showed up through the door in the hallway.

“Officer Fischer,” the man held his hand out to Jongin’s father. “It’s Mr Kim, right?”

“Yes, officer. This is my lawyer.”

The officer nodded to the lawyer who stepped forward. “Do you know what your son and your,” the officer paused, looking over to Kai. “Mr Kim, we can release your son. But the other one has physically assaulted a man due to some miscommunication. We’re gonna have to file him under ABH and physical misconduct.”

“You cannot do that, officer,” said their lawyer with a strong tone. “You are not authorized to administer Artificial Intelligences with the same statute and regulations as civilians. They are not _your_ or any civil jurisdiction.”

“I’m aware of your science ukase, okay,” the officer scoffed. “But this is the first ever case of an AI boxing someone’s ears! The man is in the hospital right now for god’s sake and his parents are going to want to bring a suit against you and indict the assaulter, which is not possible because we know well enough AIs cannot be prosecuted as one of our own can be. We’re all a little stumped over here as well. I’ve made some phone calls. Officials from the ministry will be here shortly and we’ll figure out what to do with that,” he pointed to Kai. “For now, all that you can do is bring your son home. I’m sorry I can’t do anything more and anything else that you want to bring to the table will be futile and pointless, so I suggest you have your lawyer and son sign some forms and then go home, Mr Kim.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” Jongin rasped and the officer scowled in his way.

“Look here, kid. You can stay here all night if you want to for all that I care.”

“How about we all just wait for the officials, huh?” the lawyer suggested. “We cannot leave Kai here because Mr Kim holds responsible for him.”

“Fine by me,” he shrugged. “But this is bad, Mr Kim. If news gets out, you and your labbies are gonna be in a lotta hot water.”

“Can you make sure it doesn’t, then?” Jongin’s father said.

“It’s the victim’s parents who’s going to throw a tantrum, Mr Kim. But at this stage,” he glanced to Kai again. “I think it’s safe for us all to throw a tantrum. According to the witnesses, three full-grown men had to pull him away. I can’t throw him in jail without proper paperwork. If I were you, I’d keep myself and my family far away from him.”

Jongin turned to look to Kai who was frowning like he had been kicked. “Kai,” Jongin whispered and Kai faced him. “It’ll be okay.” he lied.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When Jongin roused to the faint call of his name, black curtains of the night had descended outside. “Get up, Jongin.” Jongin blinked his heavy eyes and sat up straight on the bench. He had no idea when he had fallen asleep. He frantically looked around him, but Kai was nowhere to be found and the time was thirteen past midnight. He had been sitting there idly for so many hours that his back was sore.

“Where’s Kai, Dad?” he gasped, jolting up to his feet.

“He’s home. I had him taken home.”

Jongin stared at his tired father for a moment. “They… th-they let him go?”

“Yes,” he sighed. “Come on. I had some things to do and I figured I’d take you home with me.”

“Who took Kai home, then?”

“The officers.” He ushered Jongin out of the police station.

“Why did the officers take him?”

“He’s allowed to go on probation.”

“And you don’t seem so happy about that?”

“Get in.” he waved to the car and Jongin, frowning, climbed into the automobile.

“Dad, why do you look so sullen? He’s not being prosecuted, is he?”

His father heavily slumped back against the seat and exhaled an exasperated breath. “Jongin, they cannot conduct a trial for as they should for everyone else. This is the first time an AI has been arrested for a felony.”

“Yes, I get that. But they allowed him to walk.”

“With conditions obviously,” he spat through his grit teeth. “The officials were looking for the right reason to pin on it LifeReal. Now, they got their goddamn card. I have no more inducement to back anything up! It’s over!” he slammed his hands onto the steering handle.

“What are you talking about, Dad?” Jongin frowned in a shortage of breath.

He sucked in a deep breath before continuing. “ALS-AIs are too advanced for this world. And Kai had just demonstrated that they can also be dangerous, which was exactly what the authority was looking for.”

“I… don’t understand.”

“Jongin, they’re… shutting the ALS-AI programme down. They argued that Kai is broken.”

“ _Broken?_ He’s not some machine, Dad!”

“Well, you said he was one when you first met him, Jongin.”

“I… I… didn’t… know him before. Dad, he has real feelings. And emotions.” Jongin gulped the sob that rose in his throat.

“Including anger apparently. This is out of my hand. We spent hours in there, trying to come up with a solution and they want to bury this to keep this from the public. They will freak out. So… they’re burying this and…” he trailed off, clenching his eyes shut.

“D-Dad?” Jongin’s lips began to quiver.

“We have to shut it down before the word gets out. We’re… we’re dissolving all issued ALS-AI models thus far.”

“No. No, no, Dad—”

“Starting with… Kai. I have to take him back to the lab tomorrow.”

“Dad! It wasn’t his fault! It was _my_ fault!” Jongin’s hands trembled like he had just killed a man. “It was all my fault! Everything! From the beginning till the end!”

“Jongin, I can’t do this right now. Whether it’s your fault or not, he’s the one who… disfigured Sehun’s face. It’s too late. He’s only allowed home because I begged them so that… we can take him to the lab together and… give him a proper goodbye. Maybe at least that way, your mother wouldn’t be so heartbroken.”

She was not the only one who was going to be heartbroken.

Jongin buried his face in his palms and sobbed for air, unable to breath. With tears clumping his eyelashes together, he faced his father. “This isn’t fair, Dad. Please, don’t take him away.”

His father stared at him silently for a moment. “Jongin… You care for him… that much?”

“Dad, Sehun was verbally abusing me! Kai was supposed to protect us—that’s on his protocol! It’s not fair to do this to him!”

“Hey, hey, hey,” his father cupped Jongin’s face. “Calm down. I need you to breathe slowly. Calm down.”

Jongin closed his eyes and took in deep shaky breaths. “You can’t let this happen to him,” he exhaled. “He doesn’t deserve this.” This was not happening. Jongin was expecting Kai to be put behind bars or something, but not this. Not this. He could not let that happen to Kai.

“I can’t do anything, Jongin. Trust me, I want to. If I don’t take him in myself, authority will come for him.”

“Dad! I will never forgive myself if…” he stopped himself and tried to breathe again. It was only after a moment did he realize that his cheeks were wet with his salty tears. “No.” he breathed out and threw his head back on the headrest. “When… tomorrow?”

“They’ll come to review at five.”

Jongin lidded his eyes, shutting the entire world out.

This was it. His brief happiness was over. It was sealed.

 

 

* * *

 

 

When they silently entered the house, Jongin found his mother on the couch in the living room with her chin propped in her hand as she vacantly stared into nothing. Her husband loosened his necktie and heaved a loud sigh. “I’ll talk to her. And, Jongin. Kai doesn’t have to know about this, okay,” he told Jongin, looking devastatingly exhausted. As the man approached her, Jongin’s mother sat still as if she were alone. “Honey?” he dropped to his knees before her and took her hand into his. “I’m so sorry I let this happen.” That was when his wife broke into furious tears and dropped her face onto her husband’s shoulder, loudly sobbing into the shoulder.

Jongin choked down on the rising bile and dragged his feet to Kai’s room. He was already dead for all that it mattered. Jongin was no longer alive and he doubted he will ever be. All of this will be so much easier if he just shut his emotions off and that was precisely what he planned to do. They needed a miracle now. They can’t run. They can’t hide. He knocked on the door.

It took the door for a moment to slide aside and Jongin found Kai perched on the other edge of the bed, back facing Jongin. “I’m sorry,” Kai muttered. The kitten was fast asleep on the bed, burrowed between the pillows. “I did not think of the consequences when I hit Sehun. I let you down. I disappointed mother and father.”

That was not the problem now, though. Jongin sighed. He did not have any more tears left to shed. “Come to my room when Mom and Dad go to bed.” He said just that and did not wait for Kai’s response as he walked away.

 

 

* * *

 

 

How did one remember happiness? Happiness had no scars to remind people. Pain did. And the scar that was the hardest to fade was the one left on one’s heart. Everyone needed an anchor to keep them sane, to keep them happy. Everyone needed something to hope for, something to fight for. What hope was left for Jongin? What happiness? It was one thing to make a mistake and it was another thing to keep making it. He should have died in that accident. At least then he would not be around to bring more and more misery to the ones he loved and loved him.

3:04 a.m.

Jongin could not tear his eyes off the clock. He laid recumbent on the bed, waiting for a miracle to give him his happiness back. He was not going to let himself drown into the same depths of depression again. He cannot afford that. Not now.

3:06 a.m.

The unlocked door slid open and Jongin did not raise his head from the pillow, but only silently watched Kai step into the room before he closed the door. “Jongin?” he called in a very low voice.

“Come here, Kai. Lie down.” Jongin pressed his hand to the mattress beside him and Kai obliged. He stretched beside Jongin with a wide gap between them. “Come closer.”

Kai hesitantly slid closer and Jongin brought his hand to Kai’s chest. “I made a mistake, Jongin.” he murmured.

“Shh.” Jongin drew his hand along the curve of Kai’s neck and closed the distance between their lips. Brushing their lips together, Kai slid his arm around Jongin’s waist and held him close.

“I need you to take care of Bella for me.” Kai mumbled against Jongin’s lips before softly kissing them.

“What?” Jongin exhaled, withdrawing from the painfully gentle kiss. He stared at Kai’s stale smile. “Why… must I?”

“I know what they are going to do to me, Jongin.” Kai muttered painfully behind that smile.

“Kai—”

“I know. I know, Jongin. I’m not an idiot. They told me I was broken. I’m not,” his smile faded all at once and his eyes turned red before the tears began to roll down the corners of his eyes. “I’m not broken. I’m finally human. I finally know what it feels like to love someone so much that it hurts and kills me. Just like in the movies,” he blinked his watery eyes and Jongin broke down into unchecked tears again. “Would you believe me if I said that I love you, Jongin?”

Jongin nodded his head rapidly, pursing his lips so hard that his teeth were piercing into the flesh inside his lips. “I love you, Kai,” he rasped desperately. “I love you.”

“Promise me you will keep fighting. Promise me you will be happy.” Kai smiled through the tears and misery.

Jongin was not going to keep that promise. But at this point, nothing mattered anymore. “I promise.” He crashed his lips into Kai’s and kissed him with every bit of strength that he had left. Along with the softness of Kai’s lips, Jongin tasted the salt of their tears as they kissed, silently weeping, feeling sorry for every mistake they had made and every minute they had wasted. Kai pulled his hand to Jongin’s front and gently palmed him.

“Can I?” he asked in a trembling breath upon Jongin’s lips.

“Yes, yes.” Jongin whispered back, encouraging Kai to slid his hand between his thighs before he undid the button and fly on Jongin’s pants. Jongin propped himself up a little to pull his t-shirt off before he dropped back to the bed. He really did not want to know where Kai had learnt this. Right now, he just wanted to etch as much of Kai as he could on his body, heart, mind and soul. Kai easily gave in and let Jongin unbutton his shirt, but Jongin did not take it off his arms. With the unbuttoned shirt hanging on his shoulders, Kai slowly pushed Jongin to lie down on his back before he pressed his chest atop Jongin’s while sliding his leg between Jongin’s thighs. His mouth covered Jongin’s as Jongin clutched onto Kai’s hair. Kai gradually dragged his lips down Jongin’s neck before glancing up to Jongin who reassured him with a smile. “You’re doing it right.” he convinced Kai even though at this stage he barely cared about what was right or wrong. Kai lowered his hip to Jongin’s erecting shaft as he kissed Jongin’s collarbones.

Jongin pulled Kai’s face back up to kiss him full on mouth as Kai’s hand glided into his pants. “I love you as you are, Jongin. You are so… so beautiful. Inside and… out,” when a tear betrayed Jongin’s eye, Kai kissed the corner of his eyes and kissed Jongin’s lips with the tear laced on his lips. “Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because it happened.” He breathed on Jongin’s lips before kissing them again.

“Dr Seuss. I know that one. Stop stealing what other people said.” Jongin miserably laughed and Kai chuckled with him. Their laughter quickly died when Kai wrapped his warm hand around Jongin’s pulsating and swelling member. “Kai…” he panted and ferociously kissed Kai as the latter slowly pumped his erection.

“Then, can I tell you this?” Kai’s words began to ring in Jongin’s ears as he fisted his length. He outstanding and grief-stricken at the same time.

“What?”

“Maybe you are the only purpose of my existence. Maybe I was created to see you smile again. Maybe this is not so bad because I have done what I was supposed to do. Make you smile again. Will you be with me when they dissolve me?”

Jongin’s fingers easily found their way into Kai’s hair and he pulled Kai down for a heart-breaking deep kiss that neither one of them would ever forget. This was not the end. It does not end here. Jongin was going to say his goodbye to Kai because Kai deserved at least that.


	20. END: THE ESCHATON

How could one cope with a whole new grief and insufferable bereavement with no time to recover from the previous desolation? Was there a way—an _easier_ way—to get to grips with this unbearable heartbreak? A way to subsist, to keep his head above water, to just continue with life. Maybe it was easier to just give up. A plain sailing solution, a painless way to cope. Only that giving up was not really considered as coping, was it? How would one scrape by after simply just giving up with everything? There would be nothing left.

It was slowly creeping back to him. The black sea of nothingness was yanking him down slowly and Jongin let himself drown without fighting it. He had no fight left within him. All of his willpower had died in that accident along with his friend and his hopes. But then he let himself be happy again. He let himself be filled with the joy and brightness Kai brought with him. The innocence, the curiosity and the whole package. Jongin had let himself be _filled._ He was not sure what that really meant, but it must mean there had been a void within him, a ghastly emptiness that scared the wits out of him. This void had made him miserable and although for a short while, he was full again every second he was with Kai.

But that morning, he was edging withdrawal and he knew it all too well. By the end of the day, he was certain he would have surrendered altogether to the sinister, nightmarish void. He was already sinking into the depths of hopelessness. He did not know what hope he could still cling onto anymore. This was it. This was the end to one thing that made him happy.

He had woken up to an empty bed beside him where Kai had laid on for most of the night. Was last night magical? Or was it miserable? Jongin could not decide. But it definitely had been beautiful. They kissed. A lot. And cried. A lot. Kai’s hands constantly fumbled as they found their way around Jongin’s body to give him pleasure. Jongin wished there was more. He wished there was more _everything._ More time, more touches, more kisses, more fairness. More Kai. But he could not believe he had fallen asleep. Kai wanted him asleep. _“I want to watch you sleep,”_ he had said. And Jongin did sleep after giving Kai everything that he wanted. If God existed at all, Jongin had a brawl in store with Him. He also had a couple of obscene words for Him.

Jongin tried to remain calm as he exited his room after taking a brief shower and pulling the walking aid on. Maybe Kai was in his room. He could hear his mother’s quiet weeping in the kitchen while her husband muttered something, probably to calm her, and Jongin avoided the kitchen altogether. He could not afford to lose his composure right now. He wanted to remain strong for Kai even if Kai did not seem like he needed any moral support. He was calmer than Jongin was last night. After all, it was Jongin who was relentlessly sobbing into Kai’s chest last night—not the other way around.

Jongin was breathing, he was walking, he was seeing. But he was not _there._ All of him had perhaps shut down that he no longer had the strength to keep fighting off the emotions. He wanted to just get through the day. The room’s door was opened and Kai was sitting on the floor at the foot of the bed with his arms hugging his legs to his chest. The balcony’s doors were wide open and the wind that surged into the room played a little with Kai’s hair. Kai was not even flinching as he stared into out the balcony. Jongin wanted to turn around and walk away. He cannot do this. He cannot break into a mess all over again. But he did.

Kai’s lips parted when Jongin dragged his feet into the room, but he did not tear his gaze from the balcony or the bright blue sky. “I don’t want to leave, Jongin,” the words which rushed out of Kai’s mouth in a raspy whisper shocked Jongin and he froze. That was when crystal beads of tears began to roll down Kai’s cheeks and hung on his jaw. He still didn’t look up to Jongin. “I don’t want to leave you,” he muttered, blinking his glistening eyes and his eyelashes clumped together. “I want to be with you. I want to live. I want to _live._ ”

Jongin broke into a mess all over again. He dropped to the floor beside Kai without paying much heed to his walking aid although it did prick his calves. Tears stung his eyes as he clutched Kai’s arm that was tightened around his legs. Kai finally turned his head and met Jongin’s red eyes. “I want you to live, too.” Jongin whispered and he knew it did not help much. It was cruel. Life had just started for them and it cannot end so soon.

“I want to see more of this world,” Kai exhaled, pressing their foreheads together with his eyes closed. Jongin clenched his, too and curled a fist around Kai’s shirt collar, trying hard to swallow back the sob that rose. “I want to… love. I want to live.”

Jongin curled against Kai, as close as he could, and hesitated for a moment before he let their trembling lips touch. These were their last moments together. There was no other way than to give up. Jongin’s lips still lingered on Kai’s when he broke the kiss and wiped Kai’s wet cheeks with his thumbs. “You probably would outlive me, you know.”

“What? Why?”

“Have you seen the disgusting, unhealthy food I eat?”

“Yeah, very greasy. You should eat some fruits and vegetables, too.” Jongin could not believe Kai was advising him on a healthy diet at this moment. That too with the face of crying baby.

“Not just that. I also have so many high school nemeses. One of them is bound to send a hitman to kill me one day.” Jongin smiled a little, shrugging, but Kai was frowning.

“What did you do that they’d hate you so much?”

“I was born handsome. Repeatedly sabotaged their lockers and snatched their lunch. Plus, I also snogged their girlfriends.”

“Did it feel good?”

“What? Snogging their girlfriends? I… guess?”

“No. Being a bully.”

“That’s exaggeration,” he rested his head on Kai’s shoulder and gazed out the balcony. The sky was really blue, almost cloudless. “I wasn’t a bully. They’d pick on me first, then I’ll pay back.”

“Must be nice to have gone to schools and have lots of friends.”

“It was… okay,” he nestled his head in the crook of Kai’s head and steadied his breathing. “Having lots of friends brought me nowhere to be honest.”

Kai was silent for a moment as he draped an arm around Jongin to hold him close. This really did feel like their last moments together. Just staring into the sky, talking about unnecessary and stupid stuff that did not matter in any kind of way while holding onto each other. “I wish you would have a beautiful, happy life, Jongin.”

“Yeah. With Bella?”

Kai sniggered. “She doesn’t like you.”

“You don’t know that.” Jongin did bother to find out where the cat was, but it probably was sleeping in its basket. Kittens slept a lot. And pooped a lot. Why was he thinking about more things that made no sense? He was tired.

“Take care of her for me, will you?”

“You know, I don’t like cats.”

“What?! Why?”

“Because since I was a kid, I always found them scary. With their sharp teeth and claws and the creepy eyes. Like a demon. I always ran away from them. Funnily enough they ran away from me, too.”

“They must have been more scared of you than you were of them,” Kai nuzzled his nose into Jongin’s hair and kissed the top of his head. Jongin tried not to wince when Kai ran a hand along Jongin’s thigh, all the way down to his knee as if he were caressing the crippled leg. “I love you, Jongin. All of you. I want you to always remember that.” he muttered and Jongin blinked away the tears that welled up in his eyes. The doorbell startled them both and their heads shot up. Jongin faced Kai who looked like he had seen a ghost. He stared at Jongin with wide eyes before he grabbed Jongin’s hand and held onto it so tight that Jongin squirmed a little. “No, no. I don’t want to leave.”

“Kai?” Jongin’s father called, standing in the doorway. He frowned when he saw the fright in Kai’s face. Kai looked traumatized for a moment. “We’re going to go to the lab for a moment. You have to come with me.”

Kai could not and _would not_ disobey him. With bloodshot eyes and panic, he rose to his feet, still holding onto Jongin’s hand. Jongin did not let go either although he did not stand up. “Where is mother, father?”

“She… Why don’t you come with me first?”

Jongin gripped Kai’s hand harder, unwilling to let go and Kai squeezed his hand back before he looked down to Jongin with miserable eyes. Then he slowly pulled his hand away. “Dad, can I come along?” Jongin blurted out, struggling to get back on his feet. “Please. Please let me come.”

His father frowned deeper. “Your mother isn’t going, Jongin. I don’t think you should either.”

“I want to!” Jongin rasped, already crossing the room and he took Kai’s hand again. It was not moral support, but whatever that Kai was going through, Jongin was not going to leave him alone. Behind his father, three tall men stood. They looked like guards who worked at LifeReal. Humanoids.

“Are you… sure, Jongin?”

Kai gripped his hand. Jongin nodded his head once, smiling at Kai as if to reassure him everything will be all right it clearly will not and Kai knew that, too.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Jongin recalled some parts of the LifeReal laboratories. His father used to bring him around here in hope to spark the scientist within Jongin. But that was years ago. So many years ago. Now, the place looked so different. So much whiter and shinier, and emptier. Kai and Jongin walked in, still hand-in-hand. He could not care less about what people thought. All that mattered right now was surviving this. There was absolutely no way out. Neither of them had let go of the other’s hand even in the car. Kai’s hand was trembling or maybe it Jongin’s. Probably both. Jongin wanted to turn around and run away from there with Kai. But there were two problems with that. One, he can’t run. Two, they were already surrounded by a bunch of guards and some other scientists who probably worked for or with his father. Kai was not crying anymore. If anything, he looked ready. Ready for what? To be dissolved?

“Kai,” his father said, pulling on the lab coat that was given to him by some intern. “Come with me. Jongin, I need you to wait outside.”

“No!” both of them cried in unison. The guards surrounded them at once and Kai’s hand tightened around Jongin’s. He could not let go. He just can’t!

“This is unethical! He has feelings, he has emotions, he can think!” Jongin started to scream out of the sudden and his father gaped at him along with the others. Jongin’s voice was echoing in the huge white hallway. “He wants to live, Dad! You gave him _life!_ You can’t just take it away!” he did not even realize that he was crying.

His father pursed his lips and glowered a little. “Bring him in.” he ordered and walked into the room.

“No! Please don’t!” Jongin cried right when the guards began to pull Kai away from him. “Wait, wait! Please! Dad! I will never forgive you for this!” Jongin should not forgive himself for this! He caused this. He caused all of this! “Kai!”

“Jongin… Let go.” Kai muttered with a tear trickling down his cheek. His eyes were so red that Jongin could hardly see any white.

“What?” Jongin panted through the sobs as the guards began to yank him back by the shoulders. He could not even shake them off. “Kai…?” he still held onto Kai’s hand.

“Let go, Jongin.” he whispered as he silently let his tears fall. Jongin released his hand a little.

The guards began to haul Kai away and Jongin felt the tips of Kai’s fingers slid off his. He stood there with a heaving chest, still uncontrollably crying as he watched Kai being dragged into the room. The guards were still gripping Jongin’s shoulders as they shoved him to walk the other way. Jongin tried his best to plant his useless feet to the ground, but had zero strength to even keep standing. His knees buckled and he fell to the floor, pressing his palms to the ground and wept, screamed. Loud enough for the entire lab to boom in. No one came to help them.

 

 

* * *

 

 

What would the end feel like? Would there be light or just darkness? They said there will always be light at the end of the tunnel, that every cloud had a silver lining. They were wrong. Some stories just did not have happy endings. They just did not have light at the end of the tunnel or a silver lining. There was just unbearable misery. So unbearable that he could not breathe. He was not sure he was even breathing anymore.

He sat there. For hours. On the same bench he used to sit on when his father was working until evening. He had no tears left in him. No matter how much he cried or screamed, no one was coming to help him. For the time being, he found solace in the darkness and the silence. He kept his face burrowed between his knees as he hugged his paralysed legs. His mother had not come to say goodbye because she could not. She just could not. Sometimes people just could not. It was okay. Because there was nothing that people could do sometimes, but just give up. Jongin gave up. He could not fight for happiness anymore. His happiness died today right here. Because of him.

There was a soft touch on his shoulder and Jongin did not bother to raise his head. “Jongin,” his father muttered, stroking Jongin’s back. He could not speak. He did not if he could ever speak again. He felt unbelievably dead. “Do you… want to see him? For one last time?”

Jongin’s head jolted up at once and he blinked at his father in horror. His father smiled a painful smile.

“Come.” He helped Jongin lower his legs from the bench before he ushered Jongin down the hall. They were not walking towards the room he had brought Kai into earlier. Jongin’s heart hammered against his chest, but that was just it. He could not think of anything else. His mind was a complete blank slate. A couple of interns bowed their heads to his father as they passed him when the man held the door open for Jongin to enter. Jongin squinted a little at the bright white lights and clear white walls. Men and women in lab coats were scattered all over the room. Jongin’s throat felt like a saw. “This way.” his father led him through the crowd in the room. Just at the end of the room, a huge tube, tank, cryo tank—Jongin did not really know, he could not tell—was erected from the ground. It stood straight and tall, filled to the brim with aqueous green solution that bubbled. Silver wires and tubes were connected to the back of the tank, but the front had a clear glass.

How would it feel to have his heart ripped out while he was still breathing and smiling? That was how it felt when he discerned Kai in the tank, drowning, floating in the green liquid. He was bare, unclothed and alive. Still _alive_. There was a mask over his mouth that was linked to a tube that went to the top of the tank. Oxygen. Every remaining bit of Jongin’s soul was crushed when he realized Kai was looking at him, right into his eyes.

“Initiate.” Jongin heard his father mutter in the back of his head. “Jongin,” he took hold of Jongin’s arm. “All right. You need to leave,” he whispered, but Jongin ignored him and pulled his arm free before stepping forward. The void was full now, full of nothing. He felt nothing. Kai was still looking at him as the mask automatically released his face and was withdrawn out of the tank. Kai coughed out, his last breath and pressed his hand to the glass. Jongin kept their gazes locked as he brought his palm to the glass to press it against Kai’s. Their hands were a perfect fit, identical. Jongin could not feel the warmth of Kai’s hand. He mouthed, ‘ _You’re my happiness_ ,’ staring into Kai’s eyes and pressing their palms together as a black ink-like liquid swirled and curled into the green liquid, contaminating it with its blackness and toxic. Kai pulled his hand back and he just disappeared in the thick, black liquid. He just… disappeared. Like he had dissolved. Jongin stepped back, still staring into the tank. He wanted to hope that Kai was still there. But he could not. There was no hope for him.

 

 

* * *

 

 

Was there a meaning for life?

He stepped into the house. It was empty. Emptier than it usually was. Jongin closed the door behind him and sucked in a shaky breath. His father had stayed back in the lab and Jongin was sent home by one of his colleagues. His father even asked him if he was going to be all right. Jongin smiled and told him he’ll be fine. He _was_ going to be fine. He really was. Things were going to be all right.

He silently made his way to his parents’ bedroom. The door was unlatched and he found his mother fast asleep in her bed. Her eyes fluttered a little and her eyebrows furrowed together, but she did not wake up. She looked tired. Maybe she will make Jongin’s favourite potato pie and carrot cake for dinner tonight when she woke up. Very quietly, he closed her room’s door. He had to apologize to his mother. But not now.

He tried to not to focus on his throbbing eyes and throat as he wove his way to Kai’s bedroom. He was not sure if his mother had fed the kitten. It was sitting on the white rug in the middle of the room and immediately crawled to Jongin when he walked in. He bent down and scratched the kitten on its head. He smiled. “Told you you don’t know whether she liked me or not,” he murmured to himself, stroking the kitten which started to purr against his fingers. Then straightening back up, Jongin sauntered over to the desk and picked up the paper tablet. It was turned on. The last time Jongin had seen this, Kai was bragging about his bucket list. Jongin scrolled down the list. It was empty. Kai had deleted them all and on the last page, he had written: _Make Jongin Smile_ in a huge font and had crossed it out with a tick on the side.

Jongin hugged the paper tablet to his chest and clenched his eyes shut for a moment, drawing in a breath. He settled the tablet back down on the desk before slowly wending his way out of the room. He never got the answers to his questions. But one answer he needed to know was that he was the reason. _He_ was the cause. _He_ was the course. _He_ was the consequence. The consequence he had caused because of the choice of course he made. He could not blame anyone else. This was all on him.

He was the genesis.

He was the eschaton.

He tried to not to make any noise as he slipped into the bathroom beside the kitchen. He could barely lift a limb, but he kept going. _This pain will end._ He pulled the cabinet over the sink open. His mother still kept all the meds and pills here. Jongin rummaged through the bottles and syringes. The bottles containing the sleeping pills were stashed at the back. His mother must have taken them to just get through the nights when Jongin was not here. Jongin grabbed both bottles and filled the mug on the sink with some tap water. He will not get through the day.

He took his time as he slowly swallowed every last pill in the bottles until they were empty. He probably did not need that much. He probably had over 200 pills, he did not care right now. He grabbed a full bottle of aspirin and emptied it, too. He swallowed them all. His stomach felt bloated from the water and he gripped onto the edge of the sink and dropped his head, breathing a little harder. Then he looked up at his reflection in the mirror. There was no life left within him. Just a beating heart. Which will stop soon.

Carefully placing the empty bottles back on the shelf, he closed the cabinet quietly and exited the bathroom. He glanced to the swimming pool. The evening sunrays were beautifully dancing over the subtle ripples on the water. Jongin smiled at that.

_“Are you still scared, Jongin?”_

_“I’m not scared.”_

_“Why is your heart beating so fast, then?”_

He recalled the day Kai was enjoying himself so much in the pool by bullying Jongin. He surely was one to give Jongin the piss about bullies. Jongin scoffed and slid the door open before stepping out. After locking the door from the outside, he went to the edge of the pool and sat down. He looked up at the sky for a brief moment before letting out a sigh. His entire system was going to be shut down in a while. He felt tired like a part of his brain had already shut down.

With his eyes falling half droopy, Jongin stood back up and dragged his entire weight to the edge of the building. He gripped onto the railing and looked down. The penthouse was the highest apartment and beneath him, pedestrians looked like ants and vehicles looked like beetles. Jongin smiled again. Kai would have liked that simile. He found have found it fascinating. He found everything fascinating.

Jongin pulled himself up onto the concrete hedge and swung his legs over to the other side. He sat there for a moment, looking down at the city below him. His head spun in a funny way. It was so far down below. So far. So below. He took his walking aid off his legs and settled it beside him on the concrete hedge. His legs felt limp again. His entire body felt limp. The cold wind caressed his cheeks with its bitterness and Jongin glanced up at the sky again. Then, his hands let go of the railing the same way they had let go of Kai’s hands.

He fell forward. It won’t hurt. What hurt the most was his heart. His broken, shattered heart.

 

 

**“End? No, the journey doesn't end here. Death is just another path. One that we all must take.”  
― J.R.R. Tolkien**


	21. Alternate Ending

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Because I couldn't live with myself after that original ending... This is what would have happened if things went a little different.

“Kai,” his father said, pulling on the lab coat that was given to him by some intern. “Come with me. Jongin, I need you to wait outside.”

“No!” both of them cried in unison. The guards surrounded them at once and Kai’s hand tightened around Jongin’s. He could not let go. He just can’t!

“This is unethical! He has feelings, he has emotions, he can think!” Jongin started to scream out of the sudden and his father gaped at him along with the others. Jongin’s voice was echoing in the huge white hallway. “He wants to live, Dad! You gave him _life!_ You can’t just take it away!” he did not even realize that he was crying.

His father pursed his lips and glowered a little. “Bring him in.” he ordered and walked into the room.

“No! Please don’t!” Jongin cried right when the guards began to pull Kai away from him. “Wait, wait! Please! Dad! I will never forgive you for this!” Jongin should not forgive himself for this! He caused this. He caused all of this! “Kai!”

“Jongin… Let go.” Kai muttered with a tear trickling down his cheek. His eyes were so red that Jongin could hardly see any white.

“What?” Jongin panted through the sobs as the guards began to yank him back by the shoulders. He could not even shake them off. “Kai…?” he still held onto Kai’s hand.

“Let go, Jongin.” he whispered as he silently let his tears fall. Jongin released his hand a little.

The guards began to haul Kai away and Jongin felt the tips of Kai’s fingers slid off his. He stood there with a heaving chest, still uncontrollably crying as he watched Kai being dragged into the room. The guards were still gripping Jongin’s shoulders as they shoved him to walk the other way. Jongin tried his best to plant his useless feet to the ground, but had zero strength to even keep standing. His knees buckled and he fell to the floor, pressing his palms to the ground and wept, screamed. Loud enough for the entire lab to boom in. No one came to help them.

 

 

 

What would the end feel like? Would there be light or just darkness? They said there will always be light at the end of the tunnel, that every cloud had a silver lining. They were wrong. Some stories just did not have happy endings. They just did not have light at the end of the tunnel or a silver lining. There was just unbearable misery. So unbearable that he could not breathe. He was not sure he was even breathing anymore.

He sat there. For hours. On the same bench he used to sit on when his father was working until evening. He had no tears left in him. No matter how much he cried or screamed, no one was coming to help him. For the time being, he found solace in the darkness and the silence. He kept his face burrowed between his knees as he hugged his paralysed legs. His mother had not come to say goodbye because she could not. She just could not. Sometimes people just could not. It was okay. Because there was nothing that people could do sometimes, but just give up. Jongin gave up. He could not fight for happiness anymore. His happiness died today right here. Because of him.

There was a soft touch on his shoulder and Jongin did not bother to raise his head. “Jongin,” his father muttered, stroking Jongin’s back. He could not speak. He did not if he could ever speak again. He felt unbelievably dead. “You should go home, son.”

Jongin shuddered and it took him a great amount of strength to shake his head. “I… I will die, Dad,” he breathed out, clenching his trembling hands. “I already feel like I _am_ dying.”

His father sank to sit on the bench beside Jongin and draped an arm over his son’s shoulders. “Everything will get better, Jongin. I never… knew you care so much for him.”

“He is the only reason I can smile these days, Dad,” his voice died with a sob choking his throat. When he finally broke into tears, his father held him close and Jongin burrowed his face in the crook of the man’s neck. “He wants to live, Dad,” he rasped, weeping breathlessly. “I’d rather die than let him die. It wasn’t his fault, Dad. Please, please, do something,” he raised his head and begged with painful tears blearing his eyes. “His life isn’t any less worth than mine! Please, Dad.”

“Jongin,” his father sighed. “I’m sorry, son. I’ve tried—” he was cut short when his lab assistant came rushing to his side.

“You have to come now.”

Jongin pulled away from his father as the man rose to his feet. “Jongin, I need you to go home. I promise, everything will be all right.”

Jongin was not sure how anything could be all right now.

 

 

 

Was there a meaning for life?

He stepped into the house. It was empty. Emptier than it usually was. Jongin closed the door behind him and sucked in a shaky breath. His father had stayed back in the lab and Jongin was sent home by one of his colleagues. His father even asked him if he was going to be all right. Jongin smiled and told him he’ll be fine. He _was_ going to be fine. He really was. Things were going to be all right.

He silently made his way to his parents’ bedroom. The door was unlatched and he found his mother fast asleep in her bed. Her eyes fluttered a little and her eyebrows furrowed together, but she did not wake up. She looked tired. Maybe she will make Jongin’s favourite potato pie and carrot cake for dinner tonight when she woke up. Very quietly, he closed her room’s door. He had to apologize to his mother. But not now.

He tried to not to focus on his throbbing eyes and throat as he wove his way to Kai’s bedroom. He was not sure if his mother had fed the kitten. It was sitting on the white rug in the middle of the room and immediately crawled to Jongin when he walked in. He bent down and scratched the kitten on its head. He smiled. “Told you you don’t know whether she liked me or not,” he murmured to himself, stroking the kitten which started to purr against his fingers. Then straightening back up, Jongin sauntered over to the desk and picked up the paper tablet. It was turned on. The last time Jongin had seen this, Kai was bragging about his bucket list. Jongin scrolled down the list. It was empty. Kai had deleted them all and on the last page, he had written: _Make Jongin Smile_ in a huge font and had crossed it out with a tick on the side.

Jongin hugged the paper tablet to his chest and clenched his eyes shut for a moment, drawing in a breath. He settled the tablet back down on the desk before slowly dragging his feet to Kai’s bed. He collapsed on it. It smelled like Kai. Forever pleasant, forever perfect.

Burying his face in Kai’s pillow, he let the tears seep into it. He never got the answers to his questions. But all the answer he needed to know was that _he_ was the reason. _He_ was the cause. _He_ was the course. _He_ was the consequence. The consequence he had caused because of the choice of course he made. He could not blame anyone else. This was all on him.

He was the genesis.

He was the eschaton.

A squealy cheep gathered his attention and he wiped the tear-stained cheeks with the back of his hand before he peaked over the bed. The kitten was looking up at him, as though she was waiting for him to help her up onto the bed. Jongin picked her up and settled her on the mattress. Bella wandered around for a moment before she dragged her limp hind legs to Jongin and curled into a ball against his body as her eyes slowly fell droopy.

Jongin clenched his own eyes shut, hugging his knees to his chest as the pain and sorrow spread all over his chest. Every second that passed was like a knife stabbing his heart again and again. When will this pain stop? When will this agony end? When will this loneliness go away? Was it so wrong to have fallen in love with Kai? Was it so wrong to have sought comfort in Kai? Was it so wrong to want to be happy with Kai? Why was he being punished this way?

 

 

 

He roused in the morning and found Bella sleeping in her basket. Rubbing his eyes to the hilt of his palms, Jongin winced, shifting his idle legs. It hurt where the walking aid had been clutching the legs all night long. But it was not that a great of a distraction to smother the pain in his heart. He got out of bed and wended his way out of the room. His mother wasn’t home when he looked for her and he wasn’t surprised that his mother had not woken him to have dinner.

Jongin slipped into the bathroom. He could barely lift a limb, but he kept going. _This pain will never end._ He pulled the cabinet over the sink open. His mother still kept all the meds and pills here. Jongin rummaged through the bottles and syringes. The bottles containing the sleeping pills were stashed at the back. His mother must have taken them to just get through the nights when Jongin was not here. Jongin grabbed the bottle of aspirin and filled the mug on the sink with some tap water.

Swallowing a couple of aspirins to stop the pounding in his head, he gripped onto the edge of the sink and dropped his head, breathing a little harder. Then he looked up at his reflection in the mirror. There was no life left within him. Just a beating heart.

Carefully placing the bottle back on the shelf, he closed the cabinet quietly and exited the bathroom. He glanced to the swimming pool. The evening sunrays were beautifully dancing over the subtle ripples on the water. Jongin smiled at that.

_“Are you still scared, Jongin?”_

_“I’m not scared.”_

_“Why is your heart beating so fast, then?”_

He recalled the day Kai was enjoying himself so much in the pool by bullying Jongin. He surely was one to give Jongin the piss about bullies. Jongin scoffed and slid the door open before stepping out. After locking the door from the outside, he went to the edge of the pool and sat down. He looked up at the sky for a brief moment before letting out a sigh. He felt tired like a part of his brain had already shut down.

Jongin stood back up and dragged his entire weight to the edge of the building. He gripped onto the railing and looked down. The penthouse was the highest apartment and beneath him, pedestrians looked like ants and vehicles looked like beetles. Jongin smiled again. Kai would have liked that simile. He found have found it fascinating. He found everything fascinating.

Jongin pulled himself up onto the concrete hedge and swung his legs over to the other side. He sat there for a moment, looking down at the city below him. His head spun in a funny way. It was so far down below. So far. So below. He took his walking aid off his legs and settled it beside him on the concrete hedge. His legs felt limp again. His entire body felt limp. The cold wind caressed his cheeks with its bitterness and Jongin glanced up at the sky again.

He heard the door slide open, followed by a gasp.

Jongin wanted to let go of the railing and fall forward. But he couldn’t when a firm hand gripped his arm.

“Jongin,” a voice, which was not his mother’s, said. “Jongin.”

His eyes flung open. He turned his head and before he could take it in, Kai slipped his arms under his legs and around his back. He lifted Jongin off the hedge and into his arms.

“K-Kai?” Jongin let out, mouth agape and heart hammering against his chest. He pressed a hand to a side of Kai’s face to make sure this was real, _he_ was real. “Oh, my god, Kai?!” his fingers grabbed Kai’s hair and with a fierce gasp, he smashed their lips together. Kai did not fight any of it. He let Jongin kiss him, licking the salty tears from Jongin’s lips. When their mouths parted, Jongin wrapped his arms around Kai’s neck and hugged him, sobbing feverously into his shoulder.

“What were you doing?” Kai asked, carrying Jongin back into the house.

“Jongin,” his father rasped when Kai settled Jongin on the couch. His mother is standing with a huge smile plastered to her face. Jongin doubted she would smiling that wide if she knew what he was about to do.

“I don’t understand, Dad. What’s going on?” he didn’t let go of Kai’s neck even when he was perched on the couch.

“My assistant found a loophole. We had to reprogram his neural schema and networks to readjust his emotional intelligence. The board allowed him another trial,” said his father, yanking his necktie off. “Are you happy now?”

Jongin couldn’t possibly express his feelings. He looked to Kai, who was standing there as though nothing had happened. He was smiling, hand holding Jongin’s.

“I’m starving. Hadn’t eaten or slept.”

“I’ll make you something,” his mother ruffled Jongin’s hair as she made her way into the kitchen.

Left alone with Kai, Jongin still couldn’t stop gaping at Kai with his eyes ballooned. Kai lowered to flump on the couch. “Were you scared?” he asked in a low voice, cupping Jongin’s cheek, wiping the tear off with his thumb.

“So scared,” Jongin whispered. “I wanted to die.”

“Don’t say that,” Kai muttered as his eyes travelled down to Jongin’s lips. “I want to live this and a hundred more lives with you. I love you, Jongin.”

Jongin grabbed Kai’s shirt collar and hauled him close. This still felt like a dream. One that Jongin never wanted to wake up from. Their lips touched in the sincerest kiss. Few more years, few more minutes, Jongin would take whatever that he got with Kai. His every breath he’ll breathe for Kai. _You are my happiness, Kai._

 

End.


	22. Epitome of Hiraeth

_Funny story. I was listening to Yiruma and just wrote this oneshot:_

**→[Epitome of Hiraeth](http://docs.wixstatic.com/ugd/c5f03d_43f5510275674cfc98fcd2b34fc7be89.pdf) ** **←**

 _I would recommend for you to listen to_ **[this](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VslLZcV9ZcU) __**_or just "River Flows In You"_ _while you're reading. Come back here to leave your comments or go to my_ **[ask.fm](https://ask.fm/EXOversal) **_:)_

Jongkai is a beautiful ship. Don't let it sink.


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